Life. Death. Youth. Cars & Stars.

So this entry is going to entail alot of life lessons I guess. If everything I'm about to say is common sense to you, or just completely useless in pointing out I apologize. But if you havent realized, the things I write about all seem to be life lessons. Things that everyone knows, but you dont really feel the whole effective of until you experience it, or witness it... So anyways, here it goes... I was watching that new Brad Pitt movie, the curious something or other of Benjamin Button. And at one point, throughout the strange tale of this young old man, watching death and life take a toll on him, I realized that without life or death, there wouldn't be love or appreciation... Or maybe even if there is, its not as strong as it should be. I mean think about it. When someone is born, or taken away from you, or even the threat is made of them being taken away from you, all of a sudden a sadness sweeps over you... If family and friends lived forever, do you really feel like you would value and appreciate them as strongly as you do in fear of losing them? Its sad that, but its true. I mean yeah I do fear death of loved ones on a daily basis, and it does make me appreciate them more, but I appreciate them in every waking moment. I don't just appreciate them as they are first brought into my life, and as they start to leave it. I know that fate can give and take whenever it pleases, so theres no time to wait for the right moment to appreciate the people in my life, I realize that I must do it every chance I get, because I love them with every moment that I have. So I've kind of come to learn to appreciate life and death, without it I'm not sure I could love as strongly as I do, and really appreciate the people in my life the way I've been able to. And while were on the topic of appreciation, I've kind of also learned to appreciate youth, and time. It was last night, when I was in the car with my sister and her two friends that youth kind of dawned on me, and how quickly it passes. We were driving down a long winding road, with the stars shining into the car, and Daughtry's "Home" playing through the speakers, when I just all of a sudden felt youth itself. My sister is 16, as was her friend who was driving, and it was just one of those average typical teenage moments. Driving in your first car, with the girls, late night, after a movie, acting silly, just being girls. Small town, big dreams cars & stars. Music & love. Friendship & laughter. Nothing beats youth, except for time of course. Which is why we have to love it, appreciate it, embrace it. For god sakes, I'm going to be twenty in 6 months... I know twenty is still young, but if you think about it twenty is just one of those age bricks that smack you right in the face and leave you dumfounded. Youre not old enough to drink, but youre old enough to not be a teenager anymore... Once you leave your teens it just feels like the world stops, then goes into hyper mode... and the rest of your life is just keeping up. Bills. Family. Finance. Jobs. Cars. Wellness. Kids?! Pets?! .... This is exactly why I appreciate my youth, and moments in cars, with the girls, singing along with the radio, and just being as young as we can. Because in the blink of an eye, it can all be gone... Aprreciate it. Embrace it. Life & Death. Old & Young. Cars & Stars.

A spark of self esteem?

So last night, I found myself discussing my insecurities with Ben. They always seem to find a way into my relationships. I often find myself doubting my worth, causing fear in myself throughout the relationships. It has become a problem lately, apparently an unbearable problem. It's been something I try to work on but never quite find it in me to be able to completely fix. Up until last night... I was praying to my grandmother, (I'm not really religious but if theres one person I believe would be "up there" its her) I was talking to her about alot of things actually. And at one point I said to her, "If there is a god, Mema, I bet you're right up there with him, because youre an amazing person. And you know how I know that... Because my grandfather (who is practically my life) is a great guy, and great guys don't fall in love with just any kind of woman, they usually fall for someone amazing as well..." And then it dawned on me... Yes finally. That little spark I have been looking for. I am loved by an amazing guy. A handsome, intelligent, sophisticated, fun, good-hearted, and loving gentleman. And to be loved by such a person, must mean that I afterall do have something to offer...Maybe I'm not the way I've been seeing myself all this time. It doesn't make sense for a Knight in shining armor to fall in love with a terrible witch now does it? I know some of you are reading this and thinking well DUH I've been trying to tell you this all along. And I appreciate that, but this isn't something I could have learned through someone telling me, this is a feeling I would have to gain all by myself through my own experiences, and that has begun. This is the start of me being okay with me, this is me not letting my insecurities ruin the good thing I have, because I wouldn't have it if I didn't deserve it. So I guess what I'm getting at is Fuck you, to everyone who has made me feel otherwise for the past 19 years of my life. Pardon me if that wasn't the eloquence you expected out of this epiphany, but I'm frusterated. So many of you have tried to bring me down, belittle me, make me feel worthless. Through words. Through actions. Through mistreating me. Cheating. Lying. Degrading. And where has that gotten you today? I'd just like to know. For all these years you've made me fear relationships, are you happy where you are? And has what you made me feel gotten you farther? Well I hope so because you no longer have me as a success to your mind games. I'm rising against what you made me feel. All because of love. I'm amazing somehow. I've got to be. And today I feel it, just a little bit more. So if you see me with my head a little higher, and my smile a little broader, let it be. Anything otherwise probably wont get you far.

Lesson Learned

So thick headed Ms. Sunshine finally got a point. Ben always tells me that relationships arent supposed to be perfect. Its not normal to be perfect. There should be conflict at times, otherwise things aren't right. I never really understood that until last night when talking with one of my friends, Cinnamon (yes that is her name). We were discussing our current situations and love lifes, and the issue of intimacy in relationships fading came up. Cinnamon said to me somethin among the lines of "Don't they realize that the honeymoon doesn't have to end?" And I responded with something like "Well we don't want the honeymoon to end, but sometime it has to. Its not a one way ticket to paradise all the time. You have to fly back to work, because every relationship requires work." ... Then all of a sudden DING, light dawns on marble head. This is what Ben has been saying to me all along. Relationships are not effortless, we can't just let our emotions blow in the wind, put everything on the back burner. We have to let it simmer and stir it. Give it a little bit of love, communication, effort. I often find myself getting upset because love hasn't been easy, its been an up and down battle. And it's so naive of me to think that I could just let it flow, without a fight, and have a successful relationship. So I guess this goes hand in hand with my new and improved "optimism", if I just keep a stiff upper lip and a light hearted smile through the battle, its just a matter of whether or not love lets me make it through the battle, and if fate has plans for me in that certain relationship. I can no longer allow myself to get upset by the fact that I need to try to maintain a successful relationship, because thats how it should be. I mean I'm not saying I need to constantly fight to keep a relationship from falling off the deep end, but I can't just let it float off to sea. So from now on it's smooth sailing on a rough sea, through the calm of the storm and the thrashing of the waves. Because love is worth the effort, as well as it needs it.

Quickie

I woke up the other morning with the sun shining on my face.... and all I could take of the situation was "What a freakin' headache."... Another lesson learned; Optimisim is easier said than done. But hey I'm trying.

Optimism & Wisdom

When browsing the web today, I stumbled across a quote by Charles Dickens. It read "A loving heart is the truest wisdom." This provoked alot of stirring within my head. It made me think of a few different people that I know. I know someone who loves with everything they have, they love life, the people in their life, they love culture, they love everything in moderation... and they are one of the most wise, and smart people I know. The other person who came into my mind. This person does not love as much as they should, they criticize, they pick apart, they judge, they find the flaws in everything rather than embrace things and love the good in things, in life, in their friends/family, in our culture, our world. Although this person is not unintelligent, they are not wise. I think that this is what Mr. Dickens meant when he said those words. If you love, appreciate, and see the good in things, you let yourself be wiser and more knowledgeable about how things really are. But if you refuse to love and appreciate, you're closing your eyes to the world, and robbing yourself of wisdom, clarity, and knowledge. I guess I could go as far as thinking that this applies to optimism and pessimism. If you are optimistic you open your eyes to possibilities, these possibilities leading to opportunities, these opportunities leaving room for improvement, this improvement building onto your wisdom. But if you are pessimistic, you close your eyes to these possibilities, blocking off all paths of the roads you could take in life, leaving you with nothing but ignorance. So what I'm getting at is, maybe we should start trying to find the good in every situation, not only to ease our minds, and keep light in the situations, but to better ourselves. I guess this is just one of those life lessons I needed to come across. It's long overdue but better later than never.

Remembering an Absence.

Hello, hello
my dear friend
How strange it is
that we meet again
Its as if we've already lived this time
Deja Vu, rembembering a dream divine.
Connected by fate
Reunited not soon, nor late
It's strange, I swear, we've met at a sooner date.
I can't tell you when
Can't recall why
But I feel as if
this is not the first time I lay by your side.
I breathe as you speak
As you speak, my knees bend weak
Over and over, your being captures me
raptures me,
and leaves me.
Leaving me remembering a dream divine
A relived time
I swear we've met somewhere back through the vine
How strange it is
my dear friend.
Hello, hello,
in time we'll meet again.

True Life

Let it fall over you
Stop dead in your tracks
Let it flow through your veins
Let it echo through the thump of your heartbeat
Let it vibrate through the soles of your shoes
as you take that one last step
Do you feel it as you inhale through your nose
and exhale through your chest?
Do you know what it's called?
I call it redemption.
I call it clarity.
I call it truth.

I see it, feel it, breathe it.
It's seeing the eye of the storm,
but not the silver lining
It's feeling the wind circle you,
but not move you
It's tasting the rain drops
but not drenching yourself
It's what you want to know
but not what you want to hear
I call it life.
I call it death.
I call it truth.

I recognize it, forget it, embrace it
It's that place where time freezes
but you don't
It's that hand you cling to
but can't really feel
It's that love you let go
but still long for
I call it home.
I call it paradise.
I call it truth.
True Life.

Rant- Ignorance & Opinions

Okay so for the first time in a long time I'd like to rant. I'm not really angry, or in a particularly bad mood. Theres just something that been popping up quite frequently in my encounters with people, especially since it has been election time. I've decided that people ( for the most part ) are closed minded, naive, and disrespectful. People get so caught up in their own opinions that it appears to them that their opinion is the ONLY opinion. FOR EXAMPLE, (i apologize if youre reading this part and its about you but it is a perfect examply...) I changed my facebook status the other day to something about me supporting Obama, and a friend of mine wrote on my wall expressing his disgust with my choice. I followed up that post by saying something among the lines of everyones entitled to their own opinion I respect that you have your own opinion could you show me the same understanding... The response I got in return was something to the effect of I do not respect your opinion. WELL HELLLOOO I know you don't respect MY opinion, I don't expect you to, I expect you to understand the fact that I have a right to my own opinion and that it's common courtesy not to insult it. Debating your opinion and views with mine is one thing, I can handle that, maybe even enjoy it. I freaking love to argue. But going as far as insulting it... thats just downright disrespectful. Then after again expressing my support for Obama some girl, and I use the term girl because a woman would be a bit more adult about it, went to the extent of calling Obama a communist. Weak arguement, and insulting arguement. I don't call McCain a fascist when I see someone supporting him. I think that if you are educated enough to establish your own opinion and not just "go with the flow" even if your opinion is the retaliation of mine, then you are respectable and mature. But if you are so closed minded as to not respect the fact that I am educated enough to establish my own views, then you are just pompous in my book. This does not just go for the election, not just because the elections over either, it goes for everything anyone has opinions about. Ragging on someones views is cowardly. It just goes to show that you have nothing to back up your own views. This can go for religion, life lessons, topics such as abortion and gay rights. Anything like that. So next time someones voice angers you, try not to go off on them, maybe you can educate them, or likewise. Maybe you can just debate about it. But please don't be so ignorant as to think youre voice is the only voice.


Alright... that's all I needed to rant about. Thanks =]

The Good - Part Four

So, I'm laying on a park bench on my back, it's this little park that overlooks the city, quite lovely, and I'm watching the clouds, and the rest of the world pass me by, when I all of a sudden experience the single most amazing moment of my life. Have you ever felt an emotion so strongly that you feel it not only in your heart, but it sweeps over your entire body? Well when I usually feel this, its a moment of sadness, or anger, but today for the first time I felt pure joy. I felt frozen, just laying there in the cold autumn weather, brushing its way across my flushed face. I felt as if I had stopped and the whole world kept moving silently around me. As I layed there unable to move, breathe, or even glance around I took the time to really think. And in the five minutes I thought here is what I discovered; My life is everything I hoped for at this moment in time, I am blessed. As strange as this may sound, if I were to have died right at that moment, I would be happy with the state of mind I had passed in, and I would be happy with where my life had taken me. I am grateful for everything I have gone through in my life, because it has made me into the person I am right now. I am grateful for what my parents have taught me, and what I have learned from them. I am grateful for my grandfather saving me, and giving me what others could not. I am so proud to have such a great sister, who is more like a best friend to me. The friends that have come and gone in my life, shaped me into the person I am now, and taught me so much about what friendship really means. My best friends have showed me the true meaning of family, which to me isn't blood, its a feeling. My longest relationship taught me what not to, and to base all my relationships off, it made me so much stronger than I had ever thought I was. My mistakes have made me wiser and more intelligent than I had ever dreamed of giving myself credit for. And right now, I have found someone that filled that empty part inside of me. I found someone who understands me, and lifts me up when I cannot lift myself. I have found someone I have been dreaming of for as long as I can remember. As I thought about all of this, and analyzed it breifly this feeling swept over me, as if I had lost my breathe, and for a breif moment I smiled and cried all at once. I cried not because of these memories, but because I was overcome with joy. I felt as if every bad feeling I've ever had was sucked from my body and released from my mind. I felt as if everything bad I had ever experienced was worth the outcome, which is the person I am now. I cannot recall the last time I cried of joy, but I doubt it even compares to the way this felt. I've never experienced this feeling in my life before. So I collected myself, and got up to leave before this moment slipped from my mind. As I waltzed my way out of the park not looking back afraid to ruin the beauty of the moment, it dawned on me. Two of four my most memorable moments happened to me on that park bench, one being the moment I just described, and the second being a kiss with someone who makes me feel like life is worth living. So if you have a place like this, whether it be a park bench or just a little spot on the side of the road, just sit there or lay there. Watch the world pass you by, you may be surprised to find that everything is going to be okay. Because when I took the time to do this, I accomplished what I never thought I would... self actualization. I found who I am. And now I am free. I am blessed. Thank you to everyone who has made my life what it is.

Home

"A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams."

Home is no longer a place, it is a state of mind. This struck me, as I was listening to "Home" by Katharine McPhee blasting through my pink headphones. It not only was the lyrics of the song that made me realize this, but the point I've come to in my life. The place I've always called "home" has never felt quite right to me, there was always something missing, always that feeling of belonging that just never made its way into my life. I never had moments where I felt like everything was okay, and that I was truly 100% happy, then I came to Providence. Boston, baby, don't get me wrong, I love you, and of course the few good friends I have left with you, but it just wasn't right. Yes Boston, thats right, I'm breaking up with you. Providence has so much more to offer. Providence holds (temporarily) two of my dearest friends, one of the few people who really seems to understand me, an escape, a foundation in which to build my life on, and a new beginning, a new me. These are all factors that I need to feel at home. These all build onto the state of mind that I'm talking about. In the song I had mentioned breifly at the beginning of this blog, the chorus goes a little something like this:
Does anybody know what it's like
To feel larger than life
To look deep in your soul
And know you're not alone
Does anybody know how it feels
To find something that's real
And make it your own
That's when you know that you found home
<--- This is the state of mind. This is the feeling I was missing all those years. I've never been able to put into words what home should feel like, so thanks Katharine McPhee, for doing what I could not. When I was in Mass, I always had that feeling that no one quite understood, and that I was surrounded by people who loved me, but I was still so alone. Now that I'm here, at college, for another year. I've finally found that sense of home. I do miss certain things back where I came from, that I cannot deny, but I do not desire to return for good. Right now, I feel understood, I feel like no matter what happens, I won't be alone. I do have a few people, who have made this feeling possible, and who have made their way into my heart unexpectedly, to thank for this. They know who they are though so I won't go on with names. I just needed to get this off my chest. It may not have been insightful, or fun to read, or even well written. But this isn't for you, I'm writing this for me...



=]

Puzzles.

An ice skater, shy and reserved to everyone else, but a total trip around her friends, the friends she dedicates her whole golden heart to. A diligent young woman, undoubtedly beyond her time and age, timid and mature by looks, but outrageous in mind and soul, unique in ways you cannot weave into yourself. A vermonter, suprisingly not wearing a lumberjack coat instead stylishly assembled on the outside and in, with a boisterous laugh and incredible sense of friendship. And a boy whom captures your attention for reasons you cannot explain, the kind of man who asks for a cute kiss, rather than being flashed at a college mardi-gras fraternity party...
It's individuals like these that make my life. As I listened to a song last night the words "Some say that time changes, best friends can become strangers." flew through my mind over and over. My head and heart fluttered furiously at the thought that maybe these words are true. Or maybe you just become closer to people whom you are opposite with. Those first impressions... they mean nothing. Because in this sick twisted world of cliques and pricks... everybody can get along. You can dwindle on the almost decade-long friendships as they wither in your hands because of factors beyond your control. Or you can embrace the ones that ,although may have completely different lifestyles, minds, and appearances, are as close to you as family. Honestly who ever thought that a loud-mouthed italian extrovert, a family-friend oriented introvert, a crazy hanson-loving "redneck" (jk i love you), a sophisticated future entrepenuer of america, and a shoe-less frisbee playing carefree mystery could ever clash into eachothers lives becoming closer than peanut butter and jelly. Its time to stop focusing on the friends who've grown away, the friends you've lost, or the friends you fought off... and start to treasure the strange bits and peices of your puzzle... your life... your friends. We may all be different calamities of colors, but all of our peices fit together, so before you set down the peices, glue them. You dont want to be one peice short, or you'll never be complete.

My symphony...

Have you ever closed your eyes and listened to a symphony? Have you ever imagined what sort of images and stories are woven into the sounds and flow of the symphony? Everyone has a different interpretation and concept of what emotions each composer trys to entail in their work. It could be chaos, serenity, confusion, grace, or even destruction. Everyone also has their own symphony... Listen to mine.
It starts with the slow induction of the low pitched, sorrowed violin. Imagine an aged by look but not by years type of woman, with a sullen expression and closed eyes playing this segment, representing the slow, uphill battle of the early years. Those years where you struggle to find who you are, and reach out for things that are not within arms reach. Then all of a sudden chimes in a slightly rosy-cheeked, luminous young woman, close eyed as well, but with a slight smile behind her expression, playing that high pitched fluttery flute noise you often hear when a bird chimes in or when an infant flutters its eyes open for the first time. This segment is the beginning of my epiphany, that little spark in my life that ignited all the rest, the spark that set me free, building upon my determination to reach further. The conducter, who wears her age within her wrinkled expressions, along with her experience, gracefully and steadily raises one hand, while beckoning more instruments with the other into this chaotic mix of sounds, turning the entire stage into an abundance of excitement and stress, then suddenly and sharply strikes both hands up yelling "Forte!" without even moving her mouth. This is my climax, this is when the deep sounding drums subtly thump into through the distance. When the drum roll quickens in pace. When the trumpet erupts through all of the surrounding sounds and the quitest of tunes climbs to the loudest of octaves. This is when the musicians faces are most concentrated, fierce, and determined. It's as strong and powerful as a double-neck guitar solo in a rock ballad, but as graceful as a light-footed ballerina prancing across a rose-petal-covered stage. It's that part in your life where you are on the edge of your seat, where that first bead of anticipating sweat tumbles down the creases of your face. You know you're going out dramatic, taking a chance, and risking it all, but you know it's right. As the cymbals crash and break your concentration, sending your heart into a tizzy, making you feel disoriented like a lost child, you feel like running, but you don't because you want to hear, see, and feel what is next. You're expecting a loud crash, an epic fall, or a horrifying ending, because you took a chance, you brought in the trumpets, the drums, the cymbals, and tuned out the slow soft sorrow of the violin... but to your surprise, the chaos stops. The hall goes silent, the symphony motionless... and the last few notes are chirped from a combination of the flute, and a higher pitch from the violin, showing you that all is well...showing you that you've grabbed what you were reaching for... and that there is calm after the storm. The lights dim on the musicians, with only one light left, the light on the conducter, full of experience, and knowledge. The light is only on you. You are the conducter, your life is the symphony. That is my symphony... my life. Make yours beautiful.

Becoming my future PART II

Okay so as I predicted the blog I wrote about... hmm... a half hour ago started a debate. I copied and pasted the conversation so you can read it and get a better outlook on things I didn't think to type, and opinions I did not exaggerate to you. My apologies for being so vague but read below before debating with me... If at the end of reading this you still have "beef" with my point of view lets debate it out. If you want to read the first part of this segment, read the blogpost directly below this one.




"Andrew": not that im opposed to the death penalty...
"Andrew": but
"Andrew": you realize its more expensive for society to have someone on death row than in prison for life, right?
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: well yeah and it may cause over crowding by having individuals wait to die in prison and it may cost us money but theres ways of avoiding that im sure if our high and mighty gov realllyy put their minds to it they could adapt a new system. for example if we stop wasting money on rehab which is where the majority of our funds go, then that money can be focused on the people in prison for life or on death row
"Andrew": the most expensive cost is actually litigation
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: sorry that took so long im tryna pick out an outfit for tomorrow
"Andrew": it costs hundreds of thousands of dollars to put someone to death
"Andrew": due to the appeals process and our wonderful legal system
"Andrew": i wish it wasnt the case
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: well yeah thats why i siad if our gov put their minds to it we could adapt to a new system
"Andrew": yeah
"Andrew": thats where human rights come in though
"Andrew": technically we have to give equal rights and due process to prisoners
"Andrew": so it sucks up money
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: but i feel like in order to interchange this system we need to stop funding rehab. and yeah i know everyone gives me the human rights spew but then again why should prisoners get rights when in order to maintain your rights as a society member youve got to be a productive and not disruptive member of society
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: and by being dispruptive and disobeying our laws, they are giving up their rights by default
"Andrew": right, i agree on that aspect
"Andrew": but then where do you draw the line for due process and human rights?
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: example?
"Andrew": youre saying a manslaughterer, a white collar criminal, and a serial killer all do or do not deserve these rights
"Andrew": thats the tough part, where do you draw the lines for who gets those rights
"Andrew": what types of crimes, etc
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: okay, well manslaughter, rape, child molesters, and big time criminals--- nuke em. white collar crime, honestly we waste so much on them just lock em up with the drug dealers and such because ive seen minimum security prisons with no bars barely any security and not even so much as a fence around the facility for white collar crimes. im not saying nuke em. but im saying they get too many privelages
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: but violent and sexual crimes. are unnaceptable
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: also, habitual re-offenders
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: i say 4 or 5 times and your done.
"Andrew": haha
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: im harsh.
"Andrew": i dont think that ideology would ever work
"Andrew": sorry lol
"Andrew": you cant get enough people to agree with that
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: haha oh i know it wouldnt which is why im not going into the criminal justice system. i would get angry with the lack of harshness in my feild. thats why im going into juvenile justice. where my efforts are not wasted and there is hope
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: thats was the main point of the blog

Becoming my future.

So, I've reached a point in my life, where I've finally become happy with the point I am at, and I know where I want life to take me. I no longer want to be a probation officer because I realize that it represents everything I disagree with. I, as a criminal justice student, am a Classicalist. Meaning that I believe in punishment rather than rehabilitation. Rehabilitation is a waste of time. Once a criminal, always a criminal I say. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. You may disagree with that, but if you're really looking to disagree with me, then I also must state I am a supporter of the death penalty. Lock em up and throw away the key, or even better just nuke em. The recidivism rate in this country is way too high. We waste millions of dollars and so much time on trying to rehabilitate criminals and sociopaths, when all they are doing is wasting our time and tax dollars. But this is getting way off topic, what I am getting at is that recently I discovered what my career choice, and passion (well one of my passions) is; Juvenile Justice. See you may say that Juvenile Justice is based off of rehabilitation as well, and yes you are right. The purpose after all is to set the juvenile back on the right path. But that is not time wasted. Juveniles are a different case, their brains are still developing, and there IS a chance to turn them around, unless of course they have a chemical imbalance or are classified as sociopaths. I see potential in our generations, if only we focused on them, more than the adults who have already gone off the deep end and continue to drag our society down the drain. I see cities around my hometown starting to urbanize and lose their class because we fail to focus on our youth. Which I find to be ironic because sooner or later, thats who will be running our country. So that about all I wanted to get off my chest. I guess you could say I've had an epiphany of some sort, and everyday I feel like I am getting closer to what my Psych professor likes to call "Self Actualization" and I couldn't be happier...

Smoke & Mirrors

A kiss can say a thousand words, but those thousand words could be a million lies. A kiss is in hopes to turn a frog into a prince, but sometimes the book is as clear as the cover. Its like finding a diamond in the rough. You can dig through a states length of mountains, and kiss a thousand frogs, only to find that the rock you've been incessantly chiseling at, and the amphibean you've been locking lips with, are exactly what they seemed to be. What it all comes down to is you can't look for the good in everyone, because if they are good, a prince, or a diamond... they will ride in on their white horse, or incandescently gleam among the dulled lumps of rock and coal. I guess you're just not supposed to look for that speachless and genuine kiss, or that person it's supposed to be with. You will be drawn to it, as it will be to you. Fate darlings, it's all about fate, and if you don't have faith in fate, you'll spend your life wandering through smoke, walking into mirrors... tripping over frogs and rocks.

Solitude

Albert Einstein once said "Solitude is painful when one is young, but delightful when one is more mature." And I could not agree with this statement more than a fat kid could agree to an all expense paid trip to Krispy Kreme for their birthday. I feel as if I can really relate to this quote, and as if these expressed stages of maturity are one hundred percent accurate. When I was younger, I hated being alone; the feeling of being lonely, not always having friends around, not having a boyfriend, was the worst of all feelings. I felt as if in order to be happy I needed to surround myself with the presence of other individuals. It's like most social cliques in high-school. People migrate in big packs, sit at a lunch table made for 5 with an actual amount of 14 kids, and go to the bathroom in groups. You don't want to be "that kid". You don't want to be a loner. And maybe this is exactly why people say it takes years to truly discover and become happy with yourself. I recently (as in over the past year and a half up til this point) have greatly started to appreciate solitude & my alone time. Don't get me wrong, I love being social, having a good time, being with my dearest friends and such, but being alone is so calming. It's the one time you can sit there and think about what you want, and yourself without feeling selfish. You don't need to worry about everyone else and what they are discussing and you can focus on other things that you can't express in front of others. It's not that I don't care about discussions that I have with my peers it's just nice to be able to clear my head. Just the other night when my friends went out, I decided to stay in, then go for a long walk. It gave me time to think, and even not to think, just to observe things you don't observe when with others. I observed the sky for the first time in ages. I love the night sky, and observing it alone, gave me a greater appreciation for it. I also observed this couple walking in front of me for a while. They seemed young (mid-twenties) and they seemed to be at the beginning stages of their relationship where you are completely infatuated with one another. They held hands while walking, an occasional giggle, side glance and timid smile with a side order of a rosie-pink-cheeked-blush. It was young love at its best, something I also learned to greatly appreciate. Being alone gives you the time to really sit and apprecaite things in life that you can't appreciate when your'e in a large crowd. It really gives you time to find what makes you happy. I know this probably all sounds so corny and maybe even cliche. I just thought I'd put all this out there to see if anyone feels the same... =]


Serene & Smiling
-Sammi Sunshine-

Old & Sexual --- Growing Up

It was yesterday, I believe, me and my two best friends here at school were sitting around having a conversation like something out of a college based "Sex & The City" type of scene when I stopped and noted on top of the conclusion of our conversation that "We are getting old... & sexual" It was then of course shattered with an outburst of laughter like us girls usually do, but then we discussed that, goddamn I'm right.
It's gotten to the point in my life where I realize I'm growing up, and find myself in more adult situations. For example when Kayla, Ashley and I were discussing certain romantic situations (non sexual) it wasn't like our last years conversations about "Oh my god he's so hot" or "Eh I don't know I'd rather just party". Our standards of which we judge whether or not things will work with a guy have raised to more mature levels. I.E. whether their jealous tendencies are dealable, or intolerable. (thats not directed specifically to anyone so stop it.) But basically it's finally hit me, in order to have a decent and fully functional relationship several things must happen. First, one must identify those little things that you dont like about a person, and decide if its something you can learn to love. You cannot be with someone until you learn to love their flaws. Second of all, you have got to establish a common ground, like make sure that the strong important points like trust, jealousy, and interests are somewhat aligned with one anothers ideas about each. And third off, establish ON YOUR OWN, not by asking a friend what they think, if there is a/ or chance of a legitimate sexual AND emotional connection. As shallow as it may sound, sex is what keeps a relationship healthy, but too much can distract from building an emotional connection keep in mind.
Unfortunatley its things like these that came to me through trial and error. I've hurt people, and been hurt by people in the process. But after learning all of this, and growing from it, I've become what me and my friends like to call old & sexual.

The Good - Part Three

I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.
-Martha Washington


This quote is going to be my new lifestyle from here on out. I've decided I've wasted too much time being upset about everything, and letting things get to me. I've wasted too much time being miserable because of my disposition on the situation. Everytime theres a problem, I either dwell too much, or I run. I've been considering transferring (gasp I know I haven't mentioned it to many people) and I've decided to stay. I can't just run away from people and situations, because no matter where I go there will be a new and possibly even more dangerous obstacle for me to overcome. I'm sticking it out and I'm staying. And throughout all this, I'm going to stick it out with a huge smile on my face and of course my usual "Fuck you" attitude. I have GOT to stop being so concerned about everyone else, and what they think, and letting them bring me down. Honestly I don't know why I've let people get to me so well. Half the world is drunk, coked out, or baked anyways. I can't blame people for being so fucked, it's just the thing to be now. There are very few good people amongst us these days, and I've got to embrace those very few, and get rid of the bad in my life. So from this day out, I'm going to have a different disposition. I am from here on leaving no room for assholes, liars, cheaters, and manipulating pricks in my life. I have too many good friends and family in my life to waste my energy on people who only do me wrong. I have only been upset because I have let myself be upset. So if you see me, and I'm down, smack me once or twice. Maybe three times if you get really into it haha. Because this isn't going to be easy. But I'm turning my life around. I know I'm strong enough to do it, it's just going to take some time. In the words of Leona Lewis "It'll all get better in time" && "I'm gonna smile cuz I deserve to"


Peace. Love. Sunshine

The City is a Cold Lonely Place

You know what I miss about home? I miss being able to walk down the street without someone doing so much as even looking at me. I miss people not checking me out, and being disgusted by me rather than attracted to me. I miss being a nobody rather than an object of lust. I've been taken advantage of before, I have only told one person about these TWO instances where it has happened. And last night, what happened to me was the last straw. I had too close of an encounter to feel even the slightest bit safe. I feel violated with out having been touched by another person. Someone had the nerve to drug my drink -- roofie / date rape drug if you prefer. Thats about when I decided I want to go home. I hate home, I hate the suburbs, the slow lane if you please. I hate it, I like thrills, but that about ruined it for me. I feel so taken advantage of. Oh and what is even better is when I went to safety and security about the matter and one of the officers responses were "I bet you learned your lesson then". That came off to me as "Oh you did it to yourself." That is so not the attitude you need to have in that type of feild, you are not there to judge the victim, you are there to provide every bit of support you can offer. This is yet another reason I am so motivated to stay in Criminal Justice for my major. I don't want people to have to turn to dickheads like this when in times of need. This morning I broke down in tears because of how dissapointed I am in our society. Have we really given up on emotional connections to the point where you will drug someone for sex. Why not just get a fucking prostitute. I garuntee it will get you in less trouble. And you know whats worse. I was informed that when my drugged body was being tredged back to the dorms by my best friend guys were still yelling things and hitting on me. Its disgusting how people take advantage of others in their moments of weakness.You know you're in a lonely place, when peoples deepest connections are literally & physically inside you. The city is a cold and lonely place. I just want to find people who will make me feel less alone, and more connected. I'm a little lost for words because I'm so disgusted, so I apologize if this comes off as vague or hard to comprehend. I wrote this more to get things off my chest than for your reading pleasure... Sorry.

A Name-- Not A Number

So today in my Sociology class, my professor was rambling on and on about how he went from being somewhere where everyone knew eachother to being at a huge college where no one really knew eachother. He expressed his relief to be a number in a crowd rather than a name; I feel the complete opposite about that statement. Now I also came from a town where everyone knew eachother; with the exception of a few people... like me. I wasn't well known, being known at my school was a giant drama competition. And I was out for the count from day one. Now that I am here at school, I've become slightly recognized, which can be good or bad. All depending on who you ask, you'll hear different things about me. But most of the bad is from people who've barely spoken with me so it doesn't phase me. But what I'm getting at here is, I don't want to be a number, ever. I want to make a change, I want to leave an impact and impression on people who meet me. Another professor said to us yesterday that we need to stop texting, instant messaging, and talking on the phone, because we'll never find ourselves via email & such. She also said that once you find yourself, you will be happy, and people will gravitate toward you, because they see that difference and happiness in you. I feel like that is the first step to making yourself a name instead of a number. I feel like I have already gotten dangerously close to this step. I feel as if I've found myself and know who I am and who I want to be, but maybe theres just a little more to explore. I'm happy, happier than ever. I love it. And I can't wait to make that impact, and impression, I can't wait to make that difference I've been dying to make and get to that last step. I met someone recently who has obviously reached that final step. I was drawn to him the way that my professor had described. I remember bumping into him last year and it just occured to be that hes the same guy. The first encounter I had, I ran into him at one of the food places for the university and he was sitting there looking content as ever, almost unrealistically happy, just reading the dictionary. It was the strangest but most calming vision ever. This year, this mystery boy, is in two of my classes. In one of them he was sitting there spinning his book on his hand not even dropping it, getting ridiculed by these superficial guido boys in the back, but it didn't even phase him, he still kept doing it and didn't care. Then after speaking with him breifly in line to get food, I was sitting there watching him carry his tray to his seat and he dropped all his food on the ground. I figured he'd get all flushed, embarassed or annoyed by the mistake like most people, but he just looked at me made a joke about it cleaned it up and walked away. That boy, (I'm sorry young man?)has definatley discovered himself and acheived total happiness. I idolize him and can't wait to get to that point in my life.I'm going to be a name, not a number, although I do not know the boys name of who I idolize... he isn't a number to me. He's a nameless name. I'd even die to be that. So I'm going to stop typing, get up, and find myself, or find that little part I feel like I'm missing, because I'm so close, and today even more motivated to get even closer.

So predictable.

The other day, I experienced Dejavu (sp check.) and I've decided I don't like it. Like I felt like I had that same conversation, standing in that same place, about to go do the same thing. It was the strangest feeling in the entire world, and I think I don't like it because it made me feel like my life is so predictable. I want excitement, change, thrills, adrenyline rushes. I don't want to know what each day will bring. I don't want to have a routine, a schedule, a lifestyle. I want to seize the day as cliche as that might sound. I want my life to be a thrill. I want to have intruiging conversations that either make no sense or have such deep meaning, and I never want to repeat a conversation. I wan't to wake up someday, and just drive, and don't stop until I've either a.) done something fulfilling or b.) discovered something , whether it be something no one else has or something about myself. I don't care I want change. I want to start over, just so I don't have any repeated moments. I hate dejavu. I hate repitition.

RANT.

FUCKING UGH. This is most likely going to sound super repetitive, and it's probably going to be a totaly bitch session. You most likely wont even enjoy reading this, I'm writing this for myself. I am SO sick of being treated like a peice of ass. One of the worst things you can do to a person, is treat them like they are nothing but an object of lust. Its degrading, it's the worst feeling in the entire world. To know that people are so shallow as to look past what they are making the other person emotionally feel in order to "get off" breaks my fucking heart. It's even worse when someone tries to tell you they are interested in you more than sexually and you want to believe them but all they seem to focus their attention on is your sex life. Like honestly, I wish I was a virgin and I wish I could have stayed that way until marraige. Guys do not respect me and I am so sick of it. It honestly makes me feel worthless. I've worked so hard to build up some bit of self esteem, and this is not helping at all. Call me weak for letting something like this bring me down, but how would you feel. I feel used. I feel worthless. I feel like an object of lust. I do not feel human. I'm so angry right now I can't even explain it. The one thing I've always been proud of is my personality, and who I am inside. And the fact that no one else seems to appreciate it or see it really hurts me. This is the first time in a while that I can truly say I'm sincerely hurt. And not by one event or action that has hurt me, by a lifetime of things done to me that I just cant take anymore. Is it really so hard to see someone for who they are?


By the way if you are offended by this, that honestly sucks for you. Because I mean every word and it is how I really feel. If you'd like to confront me and prove me wrong, be my guest because I'm ready for a good fight, I have plenty of ammo.

The Good- Part Two

Okay so the summer is nearing an end, thank god, and I am going back to school in about a week. This summer was nothing compared to last years in ways of entertainment, it was actually quite dull. But I must admit, it was a fullfilling season.
In my life, I regret to say, that I have burnt many bridges. Not necissarily all on my own, some bridges bigger than others as well, but either way, whats done was over with. This summer I have rebuilt those bridges. I have become reunited with old friends, and even started speaking to people I never even dreamed of speaking to again. I feel as if I've grown from re-building these bridges, and gained a little speck of hope, that people can change, including myself as well as others. I've learned not to hold grudges and to most importantly forgive but never forget. Because if I forget what's the point of learning from my mistake if I have no background or experience behind my knowledge. It's like becoming President, you don't just wake up one morning, quit your post office job, and run for President. You build up your experience, and work from that, you have credibility and a story to pitch about what makes YOU so knowlegable about your ability. My ability to see change and give chances, did not come overnight. It took a year, if not more, to rebuild a friendship that had come tumbling down.
Don't get me wrong, I do not have 100% faith that things can be fixed all the time. Some people are unable to grow, unable to look back and grow from what happened, or forgive. I know someone who says they forgive me for a wrong I have made towards them, yet trashes on me every chance they get. It's sad to me, that people cannot forgive me, and accept that I have grown. It's even more sad to me that people leave no room in their lives to change, to better themselves, to grow. But theres not much I can do about that, all I can do is appreciate that I've grown. I can appreciate the person I am becoming. I am proud of the lessons I've learned this past year or so, I am proud that I allow myself to learn and that I am developing a more respectable character for myself. I've made mistakes, I've burnt bridges, but I have become an expert carpenter of relationships. If I have wronged you, give me time. I may have many faults, but I am only human, as are you. Keep that in mind.
So even though I sat around most of the summer. Hung out with basically same 5 people every night, overall, I wouldn't change a thing about it, because in all the time I was given to think, I discovered myself a little bit more.

Figuring Out The Mystery

You know what I've recently discovered, people HATE being figured out. They hate when you point things out about them and they can't argue it, oddly enough, whether its good or bad. It seems as though you've manipulated them by how defensive they get, it seems as though they are angry like you hacked into their thought process. I don't understand why it makes people put up their defenses so easily, it's like they want to remain a mystery, they want you to keep guessing. I can tell alot about a person by many different things, I will not reveal my ways because I like being able to do what others cant. I feel its more strong with people that enjoy a good chase. They feel if theres no mystery, no chase, they have no interest, and feel that others think the same. That's my theory at least. Personally, I would love to be figured out and understood. No one seems to understand the way I am, or why I am the way I am. No one really seems to get my thought process, or understand my outlooks and views on things. I want someone to get me, but I want to get that person as well. It might sound crazy, but I don't want to be a mystery. I enjoy the chase and all, but I don't want to be running forever...

The Bitchy - Part 2 (The Ice Queen)

Okay so here's watsup. Guys need to learn a few things about me, because today I was very offended by someone's misunderstanding of the way I am. I was called an ice-queen. Hm. I find it to be very interesting as to how quick a guy jumps to insulting a girl when they are shut down. If you are a regular reader of mine, you must have by now learned that I am a very opinionated person. I do not fake how I feel about a situation or a person. When someone comes on strongly, in any way possible, it is my cue to back down as fast and hard as possible. If you are coming on strongly sexually, my take on it is that all you want from me is a sexual experience, and I'm not diggin that SORRY. If you come on too strongly emotionally, I see that as a point of weakness. Emotional attatchment is lovellyyy after a certain amount of time, but honestly think about it, that takes months to build up to. If you can fall for someone that fast, you can fall out from someone just as rapidly.
ANYWAYS. Sitting here, telling me that you don't like my attitude, and basically implying that I'm cold hearted, makes me lose respect for you. Because I get that way for only two reasons
One---> I'm most likely joking around; and it's obvious when I'm joking, I make it clear no questions asked, I have a wide sense of humor.
or
Two---->Because I don't like you or find you to be a respectable person. I have plenty of friends and family and care for them with all my heart. I have no room for people I do not appreciate and will not act as if I do.

Also do not take my attitude as a joke when it is not meant to be. I have been mistaken for playing hard to get. I don't play games. People who play games are the kind of people who often need reassurance that the object of interest is going to stay interested. This is a huge sign of insecurity. Which is a bit of a turn off from time to time. I admit I tend to be insecure as well about things, but I don't test people's affection for me, I don't play emotional games. I'm too straight forward for that. I don't push people away to see if they will come back. If you push me away for that reason, I will go away, I won't fight to come back, sorry.

I apologize if my attitude towards you is offending, but I'm not fake. Most of you seem to mistake honesty for military type attitude. This is why I do not let people get to know me, because you all make it seem as if I am impossible to understand. Just because I'm not like every other easy to get boxed bimbo in the north shore area, does not mean I'm impossible; I'm simply different darling. "In order to be irreplaceable; one must be different." If you hate me for this, don't act like you like me, and don't insult me. I highly advise that you don't play games, with a girl who can play them better.

The Good- Part One

Stars form into shapes in the sky, constellations, pictures, like dreams and ideas form in our minds. We start off with one thing, that very first star, because in the back of your mind its always stood out to you, so you grab it, and dwell upon the beauty of it for a significant amount of time. Then after the beauty of that one little distant flame seems to flicker a dimmer shade, you notice the one near it, and the ones near that one are even more peices to this puzzle, and you slowly begin to gather them like a child gathers a seashell collection at the shore. And as you collect you start to arrange all these stars in the palm of your hand, holding them for dear life, until you have compiled a beautiful and unique blueprint representing it's and your individuality. That one bit that you have in your hand, is finally mapped out, finally perfect, brilliant. So you let it go, in hopes that it will all stay as mapped, and in hopes that it will lift you higher. And that blueprint you let back into the atmosphere illuminates the black velvet night sky in that one little patch, but lasts a lifetime. For some reason it warms your heart, because you know you made it, you know you accomplished something. So don't let your dreams and ideas flicker out, build on to them, because someday you could illuminate the darkest part of the sky, and it can be the most rewarding feeling in the world.

Your mind is a beautiful thing; don't waste it.

The Bad - Part One

Okay so here's more to "the Good, the Bad && the Bitchy" part... This is the bad... and let me get straight to the point. America, you disgust me. I know, not very patriotic of me, deal with it. Today, I was informed that a child who means a great deal to me, has been molested. This makes my stomach turn like a fucking merry go round. It is disgusting, that someone could honestly get pleasure out of manipulating such an innocent life form. The domestic abuse rates in this country are sickening. Aproximately 896,000 cases are studied each year when it comes to child neglect/abuse/assualt. and an average of (rounded down) 2 thousand children per DAY. I don't mean to bore you, but about 60 percent of these cases are neglect, 25 percent are sexual abuse, and the rest are emotional abuse. On a daily average 4 children die EVERY SINGLE DAY. Four may not seem like alot to you, but to me, one is too many. One third of children who are sexually assualted are assaulted under the age of twelve, by that age they are just figuring out the birds and the bee's and these perverted fucks are forcing it upon them? Within a single year, 4 thousand of these sexual offenders were released and about 5% of them were re-arrested for committing the same crime. The fact that our justice system so easily releases these predators just because overcrowding is such an issue is awful. What other kind of criminals are being released into our society? Here's another example, my mothers friend was a victim of attempted vehicular homocide. The guy nearly took this innocent womans life, and within months he was already in the public works program, already roaming the streets with what appears to me to be minimal supervision. Call me cold hearted and bitter, but I am a supporter of the death penalty. I mean yeah, people who make others suffer should suffer and not get off that easily as well, but what about the mentally ill. They wont suffer from being in jail, they'll sit there and laugh about it. Serial killers, re-offending rapists,terrorists, they're the type of people I would support getting the death penalty. Not drug abusers, dealers, theives, etc. They have a chance to change, they can be fixed, let them overcrowd us. I'd rather have small time offenders over crowd the jails and have the big time offenders being cut off completely, than slowly letting people leak back into our already struggling society. Think about it

Losing Faith

Okay, so this post, is about losing faith. It's probably just summing up alot that I have said in past blogs and I don't know if it's going to sound repetative(uhh sp. check?!) but if I am repeating myself oh well. It just goes to show how strongly i feel about this topic.
So here I go. I've lost faith in many things, despite what people usually mean by losing faith, I do not mean religiously speaking, I'm not religious. I've lost faith in people, humanity, individuality, love, marraige, and of course future generations. People have become so monotonous (sp check again.) and not just vocally. Look around you next time your at the mall or something. Yeahhh theres lots of varieties of people. But look at the groups themselves. They all wear the same things, in different colors and sizes, they all do their hair in similar variations, and they all have the same motives. Today I was asked what my style was, not a dumb question just very hard to answer. I don't have one. I wear Hollister one day, the next day I'll wear all black, the day after that I will wear my (not joking) highliter-yellow colored pants with a retro tee. I wear what I want when I want, as long as it makes me feel good about myself, or even just comfortable. I'm sick of seeing the same thing everywhere. I always find it funny when I'm walking somewhere and two girls walk by and GLARE at eachother because they're wearing the same thing. It's quite entertaining. But anyways, I get so frusterated with people, who are afraid to dress differently, or act differently, or show different or "weird" interest according to their friends. I've been called outrageous because I dont care what people think. Darling I'm not outrageous I just don't give a fuck, do what makes you happy, I find myself giving this advice to people time after time. And all I get is "ehhh I dont know Sammi" Well fucking, stop asking me then because if you're not willing to be happy, you're setting me up for dissapointment. I'm dissapointed that people are so concerned with what others think that it gets to the point, where they refuse to be happy. That is why I've lost faith in individuality and humanity (theres more to the humanity part im not sure whether or not I will get into it.)
I've lost faith in love for so many fucking reasons. It seems to me, that it is impossible for one person to be happy with just one other person. They always go for that forbidden fruit. The truth is, everybody cheats, everybody lies and sooner or later everybody says I love you and doesn't mean it. They may in that moment think they mean it but later on in some other chapter of their lives they'll go "Damn what was I thinking. " And here's what you were thinking ladies and gentlemen... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. You weren't thinking; not about what you just started, what you really meant, how this could effect you or your significant other, your brain took a leave of absence. Its awful how people don't think before they speak. It's even worse how people think it's okay to fake feelings just to hold onto something until they find something better. Love is not what it used to be. I'm starting to believe that nothing lasts forever, and there isn't a happy ending for everyone. I remember recently telling someone who was down on luck in love that everyone has someone and to keep their head up because in the end that someone will find you. I'm starting to regret that, because I may have been wrong (I'm sorry!!) Is it really impossible for two people to be happy with just eachother, no bullshit, no games, no tests, just straight up Romeo and Juliet love (minus the suicidal parts.) I've just about lost faith in love... Yeah I said it. Sue me.
As far as future generations go ohh my do I have something to tell you, they're fucked. Sorry if that offends you or you disagree, but as you may have noticed I'm straight to the point. It seems to me, that slowly, the drop out rate is increasing all over the country. I went to a very competetive high school, typical all american dream shit. My entire class graduated. This year, at least 12 people dropped out or didn't graduate from what I've heard. I've also found out that one of the less admirable cities in Mass seems to be spreading into other cities and bringing them down with. I will not mention the name of the city to avoid arguements. Ignorance, and lack of ambition is a growing disease in this country. It's awful. It is NOT fucking cool to fail, it is not cool to live off of your looks, and it certainly isn't cool to waste your life away. It seems to be a new trend, the skirts get shorter, the books get burned, and the self respect dissipates. Maybe it's just because these people are young I don't know. But I'm losing faith in our future generations because they're losing faith in themselves, bottom line.


So I hope this dosen't get you too down, or make you lose any faith you had as well. I hope this intruiged you, made you think a little bit. It's just something I needed to get off my chest. I'm sure I have more to say, more detail to throw in, but I've been writing for a hella long time, not to mention my butts numb and I need icecream. =]

"The Bitchy" - Part One

You know, I haven't really gotten to writing about the actual title of my blog, its because I'm new to this give me a break. But "The Good, The Bad, && The Bitchy" is basically about the good things ive learned, the bad things i've learned the hard way, and the bitchy moments I have where I just need to rant.
Well! Todays your lucky day, we're going to explore the bitchy in this post, because thats exactly the kind of mood I am in, and oh do I have so much to rant about. This is NOT going to be one of my usual deep and meaningful blog posts, this is pure ventalation bitches. So if you usually read my stuff to get some sort of insite or something to think about, my suggestion, read an old one, or go watch Oprah, because nothing insiteful will come out of reading this.
Okay to start off, I'd like to say how incredibly rediculous people back home are. They take life, and facebook hah, way too seriously. Listen life is too short to take it seriously, no one gets out alive anyways! And one thing that really makes me mad about people here is, that they NEVER are going to change. Theyre going to be stuck here in these small and quaint little towns for the rest of their lives, hung up on the fact that so and so fucked so and so's boyfriend in 9th grade. OMG NO WAY. Not to mention I know so many people who are going to end up doing nothing with their lives, not just by staying around here, but by throwing their futures out the window. I mean hey it doesn't bother me because I'm doing something with my life, but I hate being around people like that, its sucha let down. Just so were clear by the way, this past section was not about one particular person, it was about several people. So if you read this, and knew one part was said about you, so you assumed the rest of it was too. Think again. If I really wanted to rant about you, your name would be the title darling.
Now for the second part, I'd like to discuss how disgusting the younger generations are, and progressively end up being over the years. I know I've had some dishonorable moments, but so many people are once again, STUCK, in these times. Girls THROW themselves at guys, willing to give guys anything they want just for that half hour (or two minutes if your some people i know!) of love and affection aka: sex. All I hear is complaining constantly about how hard it is to find a guy who wants a legitimate connection with a girl, a long last bond. Well ladies, hate to break it to you, but its our own faults. Guys see that all these girls throw themselves at them and think "Oh stellar! Who needs a relationship when theres a bunch of bimbos ready to drop their panties for me!" Get angry at me for admitting that its our own faults, I don't care, I'm a chick too and it doesn't offend me. It just disgusts me that theres so many people willing to spread eagle for a connection. Real fucking attractive. I mean yeah it's not cool that guys think just because a dozen girls will open their legs that the others will too, it really sucks, and it's an assumption that shouldn't be made, but why else would they think that. They don't pull these assumptions out of mid air. Go ahead, dress like a slut! Flirt a little! But please... stop being so goddamned easy your'e making it difficult for the rest of us.
And just for the sake of ranting and bitching; Today when I was eating my sandwich. I put it down for two seconds and my cat jumped on my bed, took it and ran. What a bitch.


Thats about all. Kthanksbye!

Seize the Day - A7X

This is the one music video and song I could never get sick of. Everything about it is absolutely unbelieveable. At about 3 minutes and 38 seconds (right after the guitar solo) until about 4 minutes and 3 seconds, is the best segment of the entire video. M Shadows absolutely rocks out and puts so much emotion into that part it's rediculous. In order to feel what that song is really all about I feel you need to watch the video. The one line in the song that sums it up would have to be "Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost" Because thats what the video shows. Its pretty obvious that two of M Shadows biggest regrets in the video were getting in that fight with the girl who dies, as well as getting arrested and spending time in jail that could have been spent with her. Bottom line is, life is too short to be upset with someone, because someday you could really regret it. And think about it, you never know when someone could take your life, or a loved ones life. Why be angry at them or upset, when you could enjoy what little time you have with them. So basically I just wanna give props to Avenged Sevenfold for that song and video because it's truely amazing.

Flaws and All - Love

Today I read a quote that really spoke to me, it said "The greatest challenge in lifei s trying to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences & mistakes yet still loves everything about you." I feel like this is one of societies greatest faults today. Some big "important" people out there, set these rediculously high standards, that we all naturally buy into, that make it unrealistically difficult for anyone to be happy with themselves, or better yet happy with someone else the way they are. People strive to perfect the way they look, not to make themselves happy, but to satisfy a person of romantic interest. We spend so much time, effort, and money on making ourselves pretty, and even more time and effort on hiding our flaws so we can be loved. We idealize stars and idols and try to immitate everything from the way they act and the way they live to the way they look, all for love. Is it so farfetched to think that the only person you need to look good for is yourself? Is it even more out of whack that I don't want to hide my flaws to get someone to love me and care about me? It's upsetting that this in fact is one of the greatest challenges to face. I want someone to fall in love with me, when I'm not wearing makeup, when I'm acting like my goofy dorky self, and when I'm even at my weakest moment. I want someone to fall in love with me flaws and all. I dream of the day when someone finds my faults and quirky qualities cute, someone who can call me beautiful after a day of screaming crying or even a horrible cold. Someday... I just want to overcome lifes biggest challenge, because I refuse to lose faith that someone out there will actually love me for me.

Powerless to The Product of Society-- A Dream

Okay so, basically this first half is going to be one big descriptive mess because I'm just trying to summarize and remember the dream I had last night. So bare with me because after I summarize I'm going to analyze and maybe it's something you can relate to? Me and some friends checked into a hotel, and it was all very strange right from the start. Within the first hour of being there these strange girls had it out for us, and seemed nearly unbeatable. It was a really dark place and it seemed no matter what we did we couldnt fight these girls. Have you ever had one of those dreams where you hit someone and you feel powerless? Thats what it was like. But anyways I vaguely recall that in the long run these girls turned out to be undead or something but they werent exactly human. There were things that made us a target in this hotel, like we couldnt wear rubber on the soles of our shoes because thats what attracted these awful people I guess. I know it sounds fucked up but I can't help what I dream. You know how it goes in a scary movie, if theres a group of people who are bad, one of them is the worst. After a while it seemed like every other girl started to fade out as that one girl seemed more determined to be after us, more like after me because in time it seemed like I was the only person I knew in my dream. But back to the things I couldn't do that were strange; for some reason I couldn't step on rocks in the water. At one point in the dream as I was trying to get away we were on a beach I think, and I slipped and as i was pulling myself out of the water the girl in her "true form" was coming straight at me, and she was one of the scariest things I've ever seen, but as I was pulling myself out of the water when me and her were head to head it was like she ran right through me... It was strange, like the adrenyline and fear pumped through me had been all for nothing. This is about the part where things started getting more fucked up and even more vague. At a later point, everyone who was staying in that hotel had been gathered all into one area. Some people were normal, and scared as I was, but then there were others like the girl, that made that girl that I had spent my whole dream running from look like a lost fucking puppy. They were terrifying. But in this gathering what the strange people did was they seperated the people who they had managed to make like them, and the people who hadnt made it, and killed the people who werent like them. I don't know why they kept me, because I hadnt changed to my knowledge. Next thing you know, that night I was at some sort of "acceptance" party into this fucked up society the hotel had created, but I was in disguise, I somehow managed to get a costume of some sort that made me look like them and was doing as instructed by the others. At one point I was talking to someone who was one of them... but they were willing to help me. And at another point I had seen someone who was in disguise like me. Neither of them ended up being any help, it was odd. I had escaped the party, and hid in the woods then heard someone coming and forced myself to wake up.


It was the scariest dream I've had in a while, and I wish I could describe it in better detail or remember more about it or describe one of the scenes better but it was truely indescribeable. It was one of those dreams where you have to try multiple times to wake yourself up and sometimes when you think you do you fall back asleep and keep dreaming that same one.



Heres my take on this dream my analyzation... A group of people go into what is supposed to be a normal situation; i.e. suburbia?. They start realizing that the situation isn't normal the people are basically brain washed, fucked up, strange. (i.e. soccer moms, preps, jocks, sluts hahah) They don't put up with it or fall in line, so they are singled out. Then one really bad group, kind of like a group of you and your friends if you looked at them, but if you knew them you'd think different, tries to break you down. We all look alike, but underneath the surface it's a brand new story. But one of them sticks out more than the other, one of them is deeper into the situation than their friends (hence the girl and her friends) one of them is THE product of their environment that they've been taught to be. But you never realize that it's not just that group of friends that is like that, theres an entire society of them. And you feel that if you keep fighting eventually the trend will all go away. Like that feeling I got during the dream where I kept fighting, but I felt powerless. It's the scariest thing in the world to be hitting someone and seeing that all it does is make them feel like youre brushing their face with the palm of your hand, when youre really putting your all into it. This dream did something that no other has ever done; it made me realize my worst fear; lack of strenght and power. Anyways so as the situation continues as my dream did, you realize more and more that you're somehow alone, you wonder if your friends that you came with faded into society and blended or if they got away. Then it gets to the climax, where you are either seperated from the social norm, or you are brought into it and expected to conform with their fucked up ways. And if it's the first one... you're shunned (well in my dream killed but with the way people are these days who knows) So as it come to the end of this social journey you never know if you can become an imposter and escape or if you are dragged back in... all because I opened my eyes and wouldn't finish my scary dream... Go figure. I'm a coward.

Fairy Tales and Divorces.

"Storybook endings, fairy tales coming true
Deep down inside we want to believe they still do
And a secret is taught, it’s our favorite part of the story
Let’s just admit we all want to make it too" - Carrie Underwood.

In this song "Ever After" by Carrie Underwood, she sings to us about how we all want to believe in fairy tales. And one of my biggest secrets (gasp) is that I really do want ot believe in fairy tales... I want to believe that there's a happily ever after at the end of everyones lives. That prince charming will come and whisk me away into some rediculously decked out castle and that from then on, it will be just us. But today, it just doesnt seem possible. Do you remember in history class where your teachers told you about the 1950's when divorce was frowned upon, during the white picket fence days, leave it to beaver kinda shit? Whatever happened to it. The divorce rate in this country is out of fucking unreal. If anything, when I hear about a married couple being together still by age 40 it takes me back. Touches me, but takes me back.
What it comes down to, the point behind what I'm saying is, I'm scared. I don't want to have kids, and end up not having their father in their lives, or having a failed marriage. I want the happily ever after... And I want to fall in love with someone, and stay in love with them. I want to get married to the person I'm supposed to get married to, I want that white picket fenced house, with the kids in the yard with the dog. I wanna die old and happy with someone who still loves me, and still is crazy enough to think im beautiful. I want a fairy tale romance. Love me for it, hate me for it... Once again it's where I stand.

Love -Let It Go

They say if you love something, let it go... I say thats the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. It's one of those mindgame things people like to play in relationships when they're unsure about how true the love in the situation is, they test it by letting it go. If you love something you embrace it, hold onto it, don't smother it but appreciate it. Don't walk away in a rage and expect the person to yell back to you "Wait!" like some 1950's love movie then turn around run into their arms and kiss and be together forever. No. Thats not how it works. Sorry! For alot of people, when someone walks away, that's goodbye, the end, el fin. But then you have the people who like to play games, and are insecure about the way their lives are going, and they hurt you just to see if you'll stick around. It's manipulative, immature, and wrong. In my opinion I think were better off talking things out and letting things go when you have no place in your heart. Why push away someone whos already in your heart if youre just risking emptying that space.

A confession- love.

Have you ever had one of those days, where you just want to fucking cry because you see couples everywhere, or you see someone you wanted to be with and make happy, with someone else and happy with that new person? Well... today is definatley one of those days. Its not that I'm upset that this person has someone else, and that it's not me, I'm not big on the whole jealousy thing... it's more like I'm upset that I failed. I could not provide the connection and the happiness I had dreamed about exchanging with this person and that I could not be all they wanted/needed/ deserved (<-- thats more like it). Not to mention everywhere I turn is a romantic poster, an old cute couple that still holds hands and still has that twinkle in their eyes for eachother, a young new couple the kind that still goes on friday night movie dates and gets picked up by their parents, or even a fighting angry couple on the verge of going their seperate ways. It's all there right in front of me. Even though in a previous blog I had mentioned how I should not be concerned about my love life because I won't be getting "hitched" anytime soon, I regret that statement. I was bitter. I miss being young enough to catch a friday night movie and have a horrible make out session. I miss holding hands and dancing like a fucking foot apart. I miss the part of relationships where they progress into that stage where you just can't get enough of that other person. And fuck, I even miss the part of the relationship where you start noticing those little things that are a larger than life annoyance. All because in the end, its worth it... I can either cry and move on; Laugh at the experience and wonder what I was thinking; Or run back into that persons arms and kiss everything all better. Its a part of growing up, and it's a part of building your heart up for the future. And my god it's sucha rush. I want that rush, I don't want to be alone, I don't want to fail again. I want to make someone happy. So sue me.

Holly Golightly and I -- The End

As most movies do, Breakfast at Tiffany's has an end with a significant meaning. In the end, Holly Golightly finds herself up the creek without a paddle, literally standing in the rain at loss for her only friends - cat and Paul Varjak. All because she was stubborn and refused to admit she needs anyone else besides herself. It takes this cliche but captivating moment to make her realise she does after all need her friends. Thus leaving the films last clip as Holly and Paul kissing with cat safely between their intertwined arms.
I feel as though I've lived this moment over in my own life before. I've countless times convinced myself I can go my life by myself with no help and that showing otherwise would be weak, when in the end the people who truly care about me and love me are picking me off the ground. I need to stop being afraid to show any weakness, and let the people who care for me do just that-care for me.
I also feel as though everyone has one of these moments, almost like an epiphany. You go through a moment or even a phase where whatever you've been working to hide shows but in the end it turns out being the opposite of what you intended and you realize you never should have hid it... I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but something tells me I'm not the only one-- along with Holly too of course. =]

Inner Child Runaway

Buzzzzz. 9 a.m. Eye's wide open, no recollection of any dreams, sun shining too bring in my eyes, still can't stand that alarm. Dragging feet across the tan colored rug into the cold tiles of the bathroom. Morning ruitine checklist.
Toothbrush - check.
Toothpaste - check.
Facewash - check.
Hair brush - check.
"Alright sleepy, let's see what we have to work with this morning" I say to myself, then rub my eyes and slowly meet them at the reflection in the mirror. It is a reflection I do not recognize, but as my jaw drops so does the one opposite of me. Today is different, today I decide to really look in the mirror-- and I am only appauled with what I see. It is not so much the physical features that take me aback, but the features behind those that are obvious. I no longer see that sparkle in my blue eyes that show the child within myself. The dimples My ear to ear grin feels forced if it goes anywhere past my cheekbones. And that characteristic italian nose that used to crinkle when I giggled, lay flat and uncharacterized upon my no longer freckled face. "Could it be that I am no longer me? Have I really lost myself" I think aloud. I rub my dulled eyes one more time for reassurance that I am still dreaming, that I remain the child I used to be, but this seems to be a fog I cannot shake. Panick. Thump Thump. I feel it in my throat. Theres no way I grew out of the way I loved to be. Thump Thump. Can I not laugh at the innapropriate and run just to be thrilled anymore? Thump Thump. Have I really lost my truly constant, genuine smile and traded it in for a clenched jaw, gritting teeth smile? Thump Thump. Buzzzz.
9am. Eyes wide open. Heavy breathing. Recollection of something awful, sun shining in my eyes but not too bright, never too bright. This morning my feet dont drag, and the floor has never felt so homey. This time I rub my eyes, and see me. The me I want to keep forever, and I smile, from ear to ear.

Never lose your inner child.

Human Nature - Chances.

If there's one life lesson I could pass on to everyone it would be that people don't change. For about 19 years I've been convinced that everyone deserves another chance, and I say another chance rather than a second chance because I have made the mistake of giving countless chances to people. For some reason, just yesterday it dawned on me that chances are pointless. I am too forgiving. I give people chances in hopes that they will change their harmful habits and smarten up. People only change into what they are supposed to change into, people shouldn't put in the effort to change their habits when eventually they will just slip back into them, not because they are unintelligent, more that it's just the way they are supposed to be.
Okay so back to the whole chances thing. I've learned that giving people another chance, and hoping that they will not take advantage of it is just like putting a gazelle in front of a lion and hoping for the lion not to eat it. It's just nature for the lion to eat the gazelle, just as its nature for a person to repeat the past. I know by writing this I cannot change my nature-- which is to keep giving chances, I'm just hoping that realising this will make me think twice. Honestly, I'm just sick of getting taken advantage of and walked all over. Thats just human nature for you.

Holly Golightly and I --- not so strong?

Everybody puts on a show. Actors, actresses, characters, and even us "ordinary people." Everybody does it in different ways. This is another similarity between Holly Golightly and I that I've stumbled upon during one of the zillion times I've watched Breakfast at Tiffanys. Holly like to put on a show that she has everything figured out, she's sophisticated, well structured, inviolable and practically unbreakable. She makes it seem as thought her future is concrete and she needs no one but herself. But once she is comfortable with a person, she lets her gaurd down and slips into a "sweetly vulnerable bundle of neuroses" whether or not she intends to. I must admit, I am the same way. I try to lie to others, and myself, and come off as a well strung, unbreakable, and certain about everything... Honestly I'm more uncertain than a kid in a candy store with only a dollar left, I'm as breakable as the horizon, and I'm such a mess and bundle of confusion inside that I'm more loosely strung than a 5 year aged fishing net. I guess you could call this connection between me and Ms. Golightly more of a confession about who I really am. But everytime I watch this movie, I find more out about life, and myself. It's stellar. =]

Holly Golightly and I --- " the mean reds"

If theres one character from any movie of anytime I can relate to it would be Holly Golightly from the 1961 film Breakfast at Tiffany's. Holly Golightly [played by Audrey Hepburn] is a flighty and mysteriously charming young woman living a strange and questionable life.

At one point in the film Holly has this conversation with her neighbor Paul Varjak...

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
Paul Varjak: Sure.
Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!


I can relate to this quote/conversation more than I've ever been able to relate to anything in my life. For one-- I know exactly what she means by the "mean reds" and being afraid but for no reason. Theres been days where I've woken up scared, just scared that something awful might happen and I feel the need to run. Its such an awful feeling.
and for two-- having that place to run to, which happens to be Tiffany's for Ms. Golightly, is the best solution to the "mean reds". Its that one place you can go and just forget the world, it's the kind of place that you only bring people you really trust and care about, because you trust them enough not to ruin it, and care about them enough to share it with them.
Theres this one place I go when I'm at school and I'm breaking down, scared, trying to run. Its the one place in the city I can walk without getting too scared to get lost. I can just lay there and look at the stars. It's one of the few places in the city where you can actually see the stars and appreciate them, thats what makes it so good. It's my Tiffanys, it's my escape. I feel like everyone has one of those places, it could be a broken bridge with graffitti all over it, or it could be a certain bench in a certain park. Everyone has one place they can always feel at home and run to during the "mean reds", if Holly Golightly taught me anything, that would be it.

Entertainers not Representatives...

A commentary I wrote earlier this year....






Imagine you’re walking down the street after just rolling out of bed in your plaid pajama bottoms and a baggy torn sweatshirt. You figure you’re just walking to the coffee shop, who’s going to bother you? Then out of nowhere pops out a dozen paparazzi cameras, followed by tomorrows headline about a scrubbed out low-life walking around in public wearing everything mentioned in Baltimore Style’s “Fashion 101” don’t list. That sounds fair, right? After all that is what we do to celebrities in the media today. Sometimes I am brought to think, how far will the media go for a story, and do we judge our idols a little too closely?
Let’s take a look at today’s most notorious pop star Britney Spears. She has been in the spotlight since about age 16. When she first became famous, we all saw her as a sweet and innocent teenager, but somehow we expected her to stay that way. When we were informed that the once glowing blonde pop star had admitted herself to rehabilitation and shaved her head, the public went into shock and awe. Yes, it is a very dramatic and upsetting matter to deal with, but is it really our business? A concerned parent could argue that Britney had set a reckless and poor example for her younger audience, but does the youth of our nation really pay that close attention to the behavior of our celebrities or do they just listen to the music. Either way, that is something that can be controlled by the parents.
Essentially, my point is how would you like it if somebody wrote an article or reported on MTV about your psychological problems? For a parent or authoritative figure to use this type of information to shun their children from paying any attention to these celebrities, would just be like a friend of yours or a community member telling their children or relatives not to associate with you because you are emotionally or mentally unwell. I feel that we should sympathize rather than criticize our idols. As New York Times columnist Caryn James put it, it’s easy to feel sorry for the stars because of the “idealized old-Hollywood standard” they are expected to follow. It’s no wonder so many celebrities are emotionally unstable; anyone who has their every flaw pointed out to thousands if not millions of people on a regular basis has reason to feel a little under the weather.
When it comes to government officials and high stature figures in our society it is completely different. Take in consideration the Bill Clinton sex scandal. I’m sure there are many adulterers out there, but they are not leading our country and representing our society everyday of their lives. The president’s job is to represent American’s, celebrities jobs are to entertain. There is a huge difference between the two.
So when you hear about Jamie Lynn Spears or Lindsey Lohan getting “knocked up” at such a young age, I suggest looking at the statistics for our country and see how many other normal teens are in the same position. Maybe it’s not such a sin, and maybe it’s not so uncommon. Celebrities are normal people too. Nobody’s perfect. And if you think about it they are after all, entertainers.

Prompted by Professor

Okay so my preface to this...

At the beginning of my Composition class my professor who's name I cannot recall for the life of me would give us a writing prompt of some sort and direct us as to what he wanted to come from this object, phrase, etc. One day he came in and placed this atrocious hooker-type stiletto and told us to tell the story behind it. And this is what came out of it for me... I was told that it was well done and I should post it here. So here it goes...







Rita was a Las Vegas show girl. Probably one of the most beautiful girls the business has ever seen. She had emerald green eyes, chestnut brown hair that carelessly waved its way down to the middle of her back, and naturally bronze tanned skin just light enough to let the rosiness of her cheeks shine through. On stage she was beautiful from head to toe; graceful like a swan, stylish like something off a Paris Fashion runway, and captivating with every move she made. But on the streets and in the comfort of her own home it was as if she took on a completely new identity; Almost as if she was Clark Kent at home, and superman at work. Although she still had a beautiful face she wore the most unnatractive and unflattering clothing one could ever imagine. Tim Burton himself could not scheme up such a character in his most bewildered dreams. She wore a turqouise and gold laced long sweater that looked as heavy as a trench coat, along with some type of fire patterned satin pants. People would say that the most grotesque addition to her ensemble was her irredescent green high heels. But every single day she wore the same thing and held her head high past the laughter and snide remarks. One day a bold and intrigued man approached Rita at a local Cafe. Unintimidated by her green heel tapping, raised eyebrow, mysterious appeal the man asked her why she dressed as so when she had the potential to be a model. Her emerald green eyes locked into his as if she didn't even need to speak to make her point, and she softly said "Because I want people to see the beauty behind the beast." From that day on the man started to see what she wanted everyone to see, and then started to see things he didn't want to see. Over time he noticed that Rita was almost always alone, the only time she really "socialized" is when she was working. It pained him to see that not a single person could get past her appearence and give into the mystery of what lay beneath her attire. Years later Rita passed away, and of course as requested was burried in that same outfit. The man from the Cafe was the only person to attend her funeral. When the Preist asked the man why he was the only person at the service, he replied "I'm the only one who saw her beauty, I guess..."

Take Time To Realize

There's a point in your life where you realise who really matters to you. I've reached that point. Love is captivating, friends are fun, but family is permanent. Once you've been captivated you can be set free. When the fun begins, the room for drama expands. You can fuck up over and over again--- as I have plenty of times and no matter what, family will be there. I mean don't get me wrong, I don't intend on fucking up every chance I get just because I know that my family wont go anywhere, all I'm saying is family is all that is certain in life. They are all that really matters. And hey yeah theres friends like that, but isn't there some kind of saying among the lines of theres a point where you stop being best friends and start being family. I feel that you even can create and build onto your family without reproduction or matrimony. For example I have a best friend- of eight years or so- who I feel is a sister to me, I call her mom "mom" and her dad "dad" because thats how close we are.

Anyways, I've spent the past week or so with my family. I went camping with my sister and cousins, aunts, uncle's etc. I realized how much my sister has grown into a beautiful, funny, crazy and free spirited young woman, and it hurt me because I know how much she cares about me and how much time I've missed out on with her, especially since I went off to school. After my sister and I had returned from camping we went to stay at my mothers house. My mother tries so hard to please us and make us happy, you can tell just from the smile on her face when she sees us how much she loves us and misses us. It kills me to see that smile because I feel as though I've let her down by not calling enough or visiting enough since I started college, and I know you're thinking "So call more! Visit more!"... It's easier said than done. I just feel awful, I love her so much and wish I could give her everything she deserves. After spending time with mom it made me think about how long its been since I've actually spent time with dad. Dad is frusterating to be around, he's angry, negative, and a huge ball of stress. I can't say or do anything around him unless I'm uber cautious. But I love him he would do anything for me, which is why I feel bad that I can barely recall the last time I spent more than two hours with him. I really do appreciate him, and I'd like to apologize to him for showing it in a shitty way-- but if I tried he'd yell at me for saying "shitty". And oh jeez here it goes- my grandfather. I live with him because of family complications. He pays for college, he puts a roof over my head, and puts his entire life into his family. He is the most honorable respectable man I've ever met... and I've let him down so many times. I just recently fucked up and I felt bad because he's given his life for me, and has asked very little from me but I fucked up the first chance I got. I do appreciate him and I need to start showing it more. I love him, he's less of a grandparent to me and more like a third parent.


So here's what it comes down to. I've gotten to the point where I see a change that needs to be made and I'm going to make it. My family is all that is certain to me, and I intend on making it certain to them that I will be there- always. Promise.