The Good- Part Two

Okay so the summer is nearing an end, thank god, and I am going back to school in about a week. This summer was nothing compared to last years in ways of entertainment, it was actually quite dull. But I must admit, it was a fullfilling season.
In my life, I regret to say, that I have burnt many bridges. Not necissarily all on my own, some bridges bigger than others as well, but either way, whats done was over with. This summer I have rebuilt those bridges. I have become reunited with old friends, and even started speaking to people I never even dreamed of speaking to again. I feel as if I've grown from re-building these bridges, and gained a little speck of hope, that people can change, including myself as well as others. I've learned not to hold grudges and to most importantly forgive but never forget. Because if I forget what's the point of learning from my mistake if I have no background or experience behind my knowledge. It's like becoming President, you don't just wake up one morning, quit your post office job, and run for President. You build up your experience, and work from that, you have credibility and a story to pitch about what makes YOU so knowlegable about your ability. My ability to see change and give chances, did not come overnight. It took a year, if not more, to rebuild a friendship that had come tumbling down.
Don't get me wrong, I do not have 100% faith that things can be fixed all the time. Some people are unable to grow, unable to look back and grow from what happened, or forgive. I know someone who says they forgive me for a wrong I have made towards them, yet trashes on me every chance they get. It's sad to me, that people cannot forgive me, and accept that I have grown. It's even more sad to me that people leave no room in their lives to change, to better themselves, to grow. But theres not much I can do about that, all I can do is appreciate that I've grown. I can appreciate the person I am becoming. I am proud of the lessons I've learned this past year or so, I am proud that I allow myself to learn and that I am developing a more respectable character for myself. I've made mistakes, I've burnt bridges, but I have become an expert carpenter of relationships. If I have wronged you, give me time. I may have many faults, but I am only human, as are you. Keep that in mind.
So even though I sat around most of the summer. Hung out with basically same 5 people every night, overall, I wouldn't change a thing about it, because in all the time I was given to think, I discovered myself a little bit more.

Figuring Out The Mystery

You know what I've recently discovered, people HATE being figured out. They hate when you point things out about them and they can't argue it, oddly enough, whether its good or bad. It seems as though you've manipulated them by how defensive they get, it seems as though they are angry like you hacked into their thought process. I don't understand why it makes people put up their defenses so easily, it's like they want to remain a mystery, they want you to keep guessing. I can tell alot about a person by many different things, I will not reveal my ways because I like being able to do what others cant. I feel its more strong with people that enjoy a good chase. They feel if theres no mystery, no chase, they have no interest, and feel that others think the same. That's my theory at least. Personally, I would love to be figured out and understood. No one seems to understand the way I am, or why I am the way I am. No one really seems to get my thought process, or understand my outlooks and views on things. I want someone to get me, but I want to get that person as well. It might sound crazy, but I don't want to be a mystery. I enjoy the chase and all, but I don't want to be running forever...

The Bitchy - Part 2 (The Ice Queen)

Okay so here's watsup. Guys need to learn a few things about me, because today I was very offended by someone's misunderstanding of the way I am. I was called an ice-queen. Hm. I find it to be very interesting as to how quick a guy jumps to insulting a girl when they are shut down. If you are a regular reader of mine, you must have by now learned that I am a very opinionated person. I do not fake how I feel about a situation or a person. When someone comes on strongly, in any way possible, it is my cue to back down as fast and hard as possible. If you are coming on strongly sexually, my take on it is that all you want from me is a sexual experience, and I'm not diggin that SORRY. If you come on too strongly emotionally, I see that as a point of weakness. Emotional attatchment is lovellyyy after a certain amount of time, but honestly think about it, that takes months to build up to. If you can fall for someone that fast, you can fall out from someone just as rapidly.
ANYWAYS. Sitting here, telling me that you don't like my attitude, and basically implying that I'm cold hearted, makes me lose respect for you. Because I get that way for only two reasons
One---> I'm most likely joking around; and it's obvious when I'm joking, I make it clear no questions asked, I have a wide sense of humor.
or
Two---->Because I don't like you or find you to be a respectable person. I have plenty of friends and family and care for them with all my heart. I have no room for people I do not appreciate and will not act as if I do.

Also do not take my attitude as a joke when it is not meant to be. I have been mistaken for playing hard to get. I don't play games. People who play games are the kind of people who often need reassurance that the object of interest is going to stay interested. This is a huge sign of insecurity. Which is a bit of a turn off from time to time. I admit I tend to be insecure as well about things, but I don't test people's affection for me, I don't play emotional games. I'm too straight forward for that. I don't push people away to see if they will come back. If you push me away for that reason, I will go away, I won't fight to come back, sorry.

I apologize if my attitude towards you is offending, but I'm not fake. Most of you seem to mistake honesty for military type attitude. This is why I do not let people get to know me, because you all make it seem as if I am impossible to understand. Just because I'm not like every other easy to get boxed bimbo in the north shore area, does not mean I'm impossible; I'm simply different darling. "In order to be irreplaceable; one must be different." If you hate me for this, don't act like you like me, and don't insult me. I highly advise that you don't play games, with a girl who can play them better.

The Good- Part One

Stars form into shapes in the sky, constellations, pictures, like dreams and ideas form in our minds. We start off with one thing, that very first star, because in the back of your mind its always stood out to you, so you grab it, and dwell upon the beauty of it for a significant amount of time. Then after the beauty of that one little distant flame seems to flicker a dimmer shade, you notice the one near it, and the ones near that one are even more peices to this puzzle, and you slowly begin to gather them like a child gathers a seashell collection at the shore. And as you collect you start to arrange all these stars in the palm of your hand, holding them for dear life, until you have compiled a beautiful and unique blueprint representing it's and your individuality. That one bit that you have in your hand, is finally mapped out, finally perfect, brilliant. So you let it go, in hopes that it will all stay as mapped, and in hopes that it will lift you higher. And that blueprint you let back into the atmosphere illuminates the black velvet night sky in that one little patch, but lasts a lifetime. For some reason it warms your heart, because you know you made it, you know you accomplished something. So don't let your dreams and ideas flicker out, build on to them, because someday you could illuminate the darkest part of the sky, and it can be the most rewarding feeling in the world.

Your mind is a beautiful thing; don't waste it.

The Bad - Part One

Okay so here's more to "the Good, the Bad && the Bitchy" part... This is the bad... and let me get straight to the point. America, you disgust me. I know, not very patriotic of me, deal with it. Today, I was informed that a child who means a great deal to me, has been molested. This makes my stomach turn like a fucking merry go round. It is disgusting, that someone could honestly get pleasure out of manipulating such an innocent life form. The domestic abuse rates in this country are sickening. Aproximately 896,000 cases are studied each year when it comes to child neglect/abuse/assualt. and an average of (rounded down) 2 thousand children per DAY. I don't mean to bore you, but about 60 percent of these cases are neglect, 25 percent are sexual abuse, and the rest are emotional abuse. On a daily average 4 children die EVERY SINGLE DAY. Four may not seem like alot to you, but to me, one is too many. One third of children who are sexually assualted are assaulted under the age of twelve, by that age they are just figuring out the birds and the bee's and these perverted fucks are forcing it upon them? Within a single year, 4 thousand of these sexual offenders were released and about 5% of them were re-arrested for committing the same crime. The fact that our justice system so easily releases these predators just because overcrowding is such an issue is awful. What other kind of criminals are being released into our society? Here's another example, my mothers friend was a victim of attempted vehicular homocide. The guy nearly took this innocent womans life, and within months he was already in the public works program, already roaming the streets with what appears to me to be minimal supervision. Call me cold hearted and bitter, but I am a supporter of the death penalty. I mean yeah, people who make others suffer should suffer and not get off that easily as well, but what about the mentally ill. They wont suffer from being in jail, they'll sit there and laugh about it. Serial killers, re-offending rapists,terrorists, they're the type of people I would support getting the death penalty. Not drug abusers, dealers, theives, etc. They have a chance to change, they can be fixed, let them overcrowd us. I'd rather have small time offenders over crowd the jails and have the big time offenders being cut off completely, than slowly letting people leak back into our already struggling society. Think about it

Losing Faith

Okay, so this post, is about losing faith. It's probably just summing up alot that I have said in past blogs and I don't know if it's going to sound repetative(uhh sp. check?!) but if I am repeating myself oh well. It just goes to show how strongly i feel about this topic.
So here I go. I've lost faith in many things, despite what people usually mean by losing faith, I do not mean religiously speaking, I'm not religious. I've lost faith in people, humanity, individuality, love, marraige, and of course future generations. People have become so monotonous (sp check again.) and not just vocally. Look around you next time your at the mall or something. Yeahhh theres lots of varieties of people. But look at the groups themselves. They all wear the same things, in different colors and sizes, they all do their hair in similar variations, and they all have the same motives. Today I was asked what my style was, not a dumb question just very hard to answer. I don't have one. I wear Hollister one day, the next day I'll wear all black, the day after that I will wear my (not joking) highliter-yellow colored pants with a retro tee. I wear what I want when I want, as long as it makes me feel good about myself, or even just comfortable. I'm sick of seeing the same thing everywhere. I always find it funny when I'm walking somewhere and two girls walk by and GLARE at eachother because they're wearing the same thing. It's quite entertaining. But anyways, I get so frusterated with people, who are afraid to dress differently, or act differently, or show different or "weird" interest according to their friends. I've been called outrageous because I dont care what people think. Darling I'm not outrageous I just don't give a fuck, do what makes you happy, I find myself giving this advice to people time after time. And all I get is "ehhh I dont know Sammi" Well fucking, stop asking me then because if you're not willing to be happy, you're setting me up for dissapointment. I'm dissapointed that people are so concerned with what others think that it gets to the point, where they refuse to be happy. That is why I've lost faith in individuality and humanity (theres more to the humanity part im not sure whether or not I will get into it.)
I've lost faith in love for so many fucking reasons. It seems to me, that it is impossible for one person to be happy with just one other person. They always go for that forbidden fruit. The truth is, everybody cheats, everybody lies and sooner or later everybody says I love you and doesn't mean it. They may in that moment think they mean it but later on in some other chapter of their lives they'll go "Damn what was I thinking. " And here's what you were thinking ladies and gentlemen... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. You weren't thinking; not about what you just started, what you really meant, how this could effect you or your significant other, your brain took a leave of absence. Its awful how people don't think before they speak. It's even worse how people think it's okay to fake feelings just to hold onto something until they find something better. Love is not what it used to be. I'm starting to believe that nothing lasts forever, and there isn't a happy ending for everyone. I remember recently telling someone who was down on luck in love that everyone has someone and to keep their head up because in the end that someone will find you. I'm starting to regret that, because I may have been wrong (I'm sorry!!) Is it really impossible for two people to be happy with just eachother, no bullshit, no games, no tests, just straight up Romeo and Juliet love (minus the suicidal parts.) I've just about lost faith in love... Yeah I said it. Sue me.
As far as future generations go ohh my do I have something to tell you, they're fucked. Sorry if that offends you or you disagree, but as you may have noticed I'm straight to the point. It seems to me, that slowly, the drop out rate is increasing all over the country. I went to a very competetive high school, typical all american dream shit. My entire class graduated. This year, at least 12 people dropped out or didn't graduate from what I've heard. I've also found out that one of the less admirable cities in Mass seems to be spreading into other cities and bringing them down with. I will not mention the name of the city to avoid arguements. Ignorance, and lack of ambition is a growing disease in this country. It's awful. It is NOT fucking cool to fail, it is not cool to live off of your looks, and it certainly isn't cool to waste your life away. It seems to be a new trend, the skirts get shorter, the books get burned, and the self respect dissipates. Maybe it's just because these people are young I don't know. But I'm losing faith in our future generations because they're losing faith in themselves, bottom line.


So I hope this dosen't get you too down, or make you lose any faith you had as well. I hope this intruiged you, made you think a little bit. It's just something I needed to get off my chest. I'm sure I have more to say, more detail to throw in, but I've been writing for a hella long time, not to mention my butts numb and I need icecream. =]

"The Bitchy" - Part One

You know, I haven't really gotten to writing about the actual title of my blog, its because I'm new to this give me a break. But "The Good, The Bad, && The Bitchy" is basically about the good things ive learned, the bad things i've learned the hard way, and the bitchy moments I have where I just need to rant.
Well! Todays your lucky day, we're going to explore the bitchy in this post, because thats exactly the kind of mood I am in, and oh do I have so much to rant about. This is NOT going to be one of my usual deep and meaningful blog posts, this is pure ventalation bitches. So if you usually read my stuff to get some sort of insite or something to think about, my suggestion, read an old one, or go watch Oprah, because nothing insiteful will come out of reading this.
Okay to start off, I'd like to say how incredibly rediculous people back home are. They take life, and facebook hah, way too seriously. Listen life is too short to take it seriously, no one gets out alive anyways! And one thing that really makes me mad about people here is, that they NEVER are going to change. Theyre going to be stuck here in these small and quaint little towns for the rest of their lives, hung up on the fact that so and so fucked so and so's boyfriend in 9th grade. OMG NO WAY. Not to mention I know so many people who are going to end up doing nothing with their lives, not just by staying around here, but by throwing their futures out the window. I mean hey it doesn't bother me because I'm doing something with my life, but I hate being around people like that, its sucha let down. Just so were clear by the way, this past section was not about one particular person, it was about several people. So if you read this, and knew one part was said about you, so you assumed the rest of it was too. Think again. If I really wanted to rant about you, your name would be the title darling.
Now for the second part, I'd like to discuss how disgusting the younger generations are, and progressively end up being over the years. I know I've had some dishonorable moments, but so many people are once again, STUCK, in these times. Girls THROW themselves at guys, willing to give guys anything they want just for that half hour (or two minutes if your some people i know!) of love and affection aka: sex. All I hear is complaining constantly about how hard it is to find a guy who wants a legitimate connection with a girl, a long last bond. Well ladies, hate to break it to you, but its our own faults. Guys see that all these girls throw themselves at them and think "Oh stellar! Who needs a relationship when theres a bunch of bimbos ready to drop their panties for me!" Get angry at me for admitting that its our own faults, I don't care, I'm a chick too and it doesn't offend me. It just disgusts me that theres so many people willing to spread eagle for a connection. Real fucking attractive. I mean yeah it's not cool that guys think just because a dozen girls will open their legs that the others will too, it really sucks, and it's an assumption that shouldn't be made, but why else would they think that. They don't pull these assumptions out of mid air. Go ahead, dress like a slut! Flirt a little! But please... stop being so goddamned easy your'e making it difficult for the rest of us.
And just for the sake of ranting and bitching; Today when I was eating my sandwich. I put it down for two seconds and my cat jumped on my bed, took it and ran. What a bitch.


Thats about all. Kthanksbye!

Seize the Day - A7X

This is the one music video and song I could never get sick of. Everything about it is absolutely unbelieveable. At about 3 minutes and 38 seconds (right after the guitar solo) until about 4 minutes and 3 seconds, is the best segment of the entire video. M Shadows absolutely rocks out and puts so much emotion into that part it's rediculous. In order to feel what that song is really all about I feel you need to watch the video. The one line in the song that sums it up would have to be "Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost" Because thats what the video shows. Its pretty obvious that two of M Shadows biggest regrets in the video were getting in that fight with the girl who dies, as well as getting arrested and spending time in jail that could have been spent with her. Bottom line is, life is too short to be upset with someone, because someday you could really regret it. And think about it, you never know when someone could take your life, or a loved ones life. Why be angry at them or upset, when you could enjoy what little time you have with them. So basically I just wanna give props to Avenged Sevenfold for that song and video because it's truely amazing.

Flaws and All - Love

Today I read a quote that really spoke to me, it said "The greatest challenge in lifei s trying to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences & mistakes yet still loves everything about you." I feel like this is one of societies greatest faults today. Some big "important" people out there, set these rediculously high standards, that we all naturally buy into, that make it unrealistically difficult for anyone to be happy with themselves, or better yet happy with someone else the way they are. People strive to perfect the way they look, not to make themselves happy, but to satisfy a person of romantic interest. We spend so much time, effort, and money on making ourselves pretty, and even more time and effort on hiding our flaws so we can be loved. We idealize stars and idols and try to immitate everything from the way they act and the way they live to the way they look, all for love. Is it so farfetched to think that the only person you need to look good for is yourself? Is it even more out of whack that I don't want to hide my flaws to get someone to love me and care about me? It's upsetting that this in fact is one of the greatest challenges to face. I want someone to fall in love with me, when I'm not wearing makeup, when I'm acting like my goofy dorky self, and when I'm even at my weakest moment. I want someone to fall in love with me flaws and all. I dream of the day when someone finds my faults and quirky qualities cute, someone who can call me beautiful after a day of screaming crying or even a horrible cold. Someday... I just want to overcome lifes biggest challenge, because I refuse to lose faith that someone out there will actually love me for me.

Powerless to The Product of Society-- A Dream

Okay so, basically this first half is going to be one big descriptive mess because I'm just trying to summarize and remember the dream I had last night. So bare with me because after I summarize I'm going to analyze and maybe it's something you can relate to? Me and some friends checked into a hotel, and it was all very strange right from the start. Within the first hour of being there these strange girls had it out for us, and seemed nearly unbeatable. It was a really dark place and it seemed no matter what we did we couldnt fight these girls. Have you ever had one of those dreams where you hit someone and you feel powerless? Thats what it was like. But anyways I vaguely recall that in the long run these girls turned out to be undead or something but they werent exactly human. There were things that made us a target in this hotel, like we couldnt wear rubber on the soles of our shoes because thats what attracted these awful people I guess. I know it sounds fucked up but I can't help what I dream. You know how it goes in a scary movie, if theres a group of people who are bad, one of them is the worst. After a while it seemed like every other girl started to fade out as that one girl seemed more determined to be after us, more like after me because in time it seemed like I was the only person I knew in my dream. But back to the things I couldn't do that were strange; for some reason I couldn't step on rocks in the water. At one point in the dream as I was trying to get away we were on a beach I think, and I slipped and as i was pulling myself out of the water the girl in her "true form" was coming straight at me, and she was one of the scariest things I've ever seen, but as I was pulling myself out of the water when me and her were head to head it was like she ran right through me... It was strange, like the adrenyline and fear pumped through me had been all for nothing. This is about the part where things started getting more fucked up and even more vague. At a later point, everyone who was staying in that hotel had been gathered all into one area. Some people were normal, and scared as I was, but then there were others like the girl, that made that girl that I had spent my whole dream running from look like a lost fucking puppy. They were terrifying. But in this gathering what the strange people did was they seperated the people who they had managed to make like them, and the people who hadnt made it, and killed the people who werent like them. I don't know why they kept me, because I hadnt changed to my knowledge. Next thing you know, that night I was at some sort of "acceptance" party into this fucked up society the hotel had created, but I was in disguise, I somehow managed to get a costume of some sort that made me look like them and was doing as instructed by the others. At one point I was talking to someone who was one of them... but they were willing to help me. And at another point I had seen someone who was in disguise like me. Neither of them ended up being any help, it was odd. I had escaped the party, and hid in the woods then heard someone coming and forced myself to wake up.


It was the scariest dream I've had in a while, and I wish I could describe it in better detail or remember more about it or describe one of the scenes better but it was truely indescribeable. It was one of those dreams where you have to try multiple times to wake yourself up and sometimes when you think you do you fall back asleep and keep dreaming that same one.



Heres my take on this dream my analyzation... A group of people go into what is supposed to be a normal situation; i.e. suburbia?. They start realizing that the situation isn't normal the people are basically brain washed, fucked up, strange. (i.e. soccer moms, preps, jocks, sluts hahah) They don't put up with it or fall in line, so they are singled out. Then one really bad group, kind of like a group of you and your friends if you looked at them, but if you knew them you'd think different, tries to break you down. We all look alike, but underneath the surface it's a brand new story. But one of them sticks out more than the other, one of them is deeper into the situation than their friends (hence the girl and her friends) one of them is THE product of their environment that they've been taught to be. But you never realize that it's not just that group of friends that is like that, theres an entire society of them. And you feel that if you keep fighting eventually the trend will all go away. Like that feeling I got during the dream where I kept fighting, but I felt powerless. It's the scariest thing in the world to be hitting someone and seeing that all it does is make them feel like youre brushing their face with the palm of your hand, when youre really putting your all into it. This dream did something that no other has ever done; it made me realize my worst fear; lack of strenght and power. Anyways so as the situation continues as my dream did, you realize more and more that you're somehow alone, you wonder if your friends that you came with faded into society and blended or if they got away. Then it gets to the climax, where you are either seperated from the social norm, or you are brought into it and expected to conform with their fucked up ways. And if it's the first one... you're shunned (well in my dream killed but with the way people are these days who knows) So as it come to the end of this social journey you never know if you can become an imposter and escape or if you are dragged back in... all because I opened my eyes and wouldn't finish my scary dream... Go figure. I'm a coward.

Fairy Tales and Divorces.

"Storybook endings, fairy tales coming true
Deep down inside we want to believe they still do
And a secret is taught, it’s our favorite part of the story
Let’s just admit we all want to make it too" - Carrie Underwood.

In this song "Ever After" by Carrie Underwood, she sings to us about how we all want to believe in fairy tales. And one of my biggest secrets (gasp) is that I really do want ot believe in fairy tales... I want to believe that there's a happily ever after at the end of everyones lives. That prince charming will come and whisk me away into some rediculously decked out castle and that from then on, it will be just us. But today, it just doesnt seem possible. Do you remember in history class where your teachers told you about the 1950's when divorce was frowned upon, during the white picket fence days, leave it to beaver kinda shit? Whatever happened to it. The divorce rate in this country is out of fucking unreal. If anything, when I hear about a married couple being together still by age 40 it takes me back. Touches me, but takes me back.
What it comes down to, the point behind what I'm saying is, I'm scared. I don't want to have kids, and end up not having their father in their lives, or having a failed marriage. I want the happily ever after... And I want to fall in love with someone, and stay in love with them. I want to get married to the person I'm supposed to get married to, I want that white picket fenced house, with the kids in the yard with the dog. I wanna die old and happy with someone who still loves me, and still is crazy enough to think im beautiful. I want a fairy tale romance. Love me for it, hate me for it... Once again it's where I stand.

Love -Let It Go

They say if you love something, let it go... I say thats the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. It's one of those mindgame things people like to play in relationships when they're unsure about how true the love in the situation is, they test it by letting it go. If you love something you embrace it, hold onto it, don't smother it but appreciate it. Don't walk away in a rage and expect the person to yell back to you "Wait!" like some 1950's love movie then turn around run into their arms and kiss and be together forever. No. Thats not how it works. Sorry! For alot of people, when someone walks away, that's goodbye, the end, el fin. But then you have the people who like to play games, and are insecure about the way their lives are going, and they hurt you just to see if you'll stick around. It's manipulative, immature, and wrong. In my opinion I think were better off talking things out and letting things go when you have no place in your heart. Why push away someone whos already in your heart if youre just risking emptying that space.

A confession- love.

Have you ever had one of those days, where you just want to fucking cry because you see couples everywhere, or you see someone you wanted to be with and make happy, with someone else and happy with that new person? Well... today is definatley one of those days. Its not that I'm upset that this person has someone else, and that it's not me, I'm not big on the whole jealousy thing... it's more like I'm upset that I failed. I could not provide the connection and the happiness I had dreamed about exchanging with this person and that I could not be all they wanted/needed/ deserved (<-- thats more like it). Not to mention everywhere I turn is a romantic poster, an old cute couple that still holds hands and still has that twinkle in their eyes for eachother, a young new couple the kind that still goes on friday night movie dates and gets picked up by their parents, or even a fighting angry couple on the verge of going their seperate ways. It's all there right in front of me. Even though in a previous blog I had mentioned how I should not be concerned about my love life because I won't be getting "hitched" anytime soon, I regret that statement. I was bitter. I miss being young enough to catch a friday night movie and have a horrible make out session. I miss holding hands and dancing like a fucking foot apart. I miss the part of relationships where they progress into that stage where you just can't get enough of that other person. And fuck, I even miss the part of the relationship where you start noticing those little things that are a larger than life annoyance. All because in the end, its worth it... I can either cry and move on; Laugh at the experience and wonder what I was thinking; Or run back into that persons arms and kiss everything all better. Its a part of growing up, and it's a part of building your heart up for the future. And my god it's sucha rush. I want that rush, I don't want to be alone, I don't want to fail again. I want to make someone happy. So sue me.

Holly Golightly and I -- The End

As most movies do, Breakfast at Tiffany's has an end with a significant meaning. In the end, Holly Golightly finds herself up the creek without a paddle, literally standing in the rain at loss for her only friends - cat and Paul Varjak. All because she was stubborn and refused to admit she needs anyone else besides herself. It takes this cliche but captivating moment to make her realise she does after all need her friends. Thus leaving the films last clip as Holly and Paul kissing with cat safely between their intertwined arms.
I feel as though I've lived this moment over in my own life before. I've countless times convinced myself I can go my life by myself with no help and that showing otherwise would be weak, when in the end the people who truly care about me and love me are picking me off the ground. I need to stop being afraid to show any weakness, and let the people who care for me do just that-care for me.
I also feel as though everyone has one of these moments, almost like an epiphany. You go through a moment or even a phase where whatever you've been working to hide shows but in the end it turns out being the opposite of what you intended and you realize you never should have hid it... I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but something tells me I'm not the only one-- along with Holly too of course. =]

Inner Child Runaway

Buzzzzz. 9 a.m. Eye's wide open, no recollection of any dreams, sun shining too bring in my eyes, still can't stand that alarm. Dragging feet across the tan colored rug into the cold tiles of the bathroom. Morning ruitine checklist.
Toothbrush - check.
Toothpaste - check.
Facewash - check.
Hair brush - check.
"Alright sleepy, let's see what we have to work with this morning" I say to myself, then rub my eyes and slowly meet them at the reflection in the mirror. It is a reflection I do not recognize, but as my jaw drops so does the one opposite of me. Today is different, today I decide to really look in the mirror-- and I am only appauled with what I see. It is not so much the physical features that take me aback, but the features behind those that are obvious. I no longer see that sparkle in my blue eyes that show the child within myself. The dimples My ear to ear grin feels forced if it goes anywhere past my cheekbones. And that characteristic italian nose that used to crinkle when I giggled, lay flat and uncharacterized upon my no longer freckled face. "Could it be that I am no longer me? Have I really lost myself" I think aloud. I rub my dulled eyes one more time for reassurance that I am still dreaming, that I remain the child I used to be, but this seems to be a fog I cannot shake. Panick. Thump Thump. I feel it in my throat. Theres no way I grew out of the way I loved to be. Thump Thump. Can I not laugh at the innapropriate and run just to be thrilled anymore? Thump Thump. Have I really lost my truly constant, genuine smile and traded it in for a clenched jaw, gritting teeth smile? Thump Thump. Buzzzz.
9am. Eyes wide open. Heavy breathing. Recollection of something awful, sun shining in my eyes but not too bright, never too bright. This morning my feet dont drag, and the floor has never felt so homey. This time I rub my eyes, and see me. The me I want to keep forever, and I smile, from ear to ear.

Never lose your inner child.

Human Nature - Chances.

If there's one life lesson I could pass on to everyone it would be that people don't change. For about 19 years I've been convinced that everyone deserves another chance, and I say another chance rather than a second chance because I have made the mistake of giving countless chances to people. For some reason, just yesterday it dawned on me that chances are pointless. I am too forgiving. I give people chances in hopes that they will change their harmful habits and smarten up. People only change into what they are supposed to change into, people shouldn't put in the effort to change their habits when eventually they will just slip back into them, not because they are unintelligent, more that it's just the way they are supposed to be.
Okay so back to the whole chances thing. I've learned that giving people another chance, and hoping that they will not take advantage of it is just like putting a gazelle in front of a lion and hoping for the lion not to eat it. It's just nature for the lion to eat the gazelle, just as its nature for a person to repeat the past. I know by writing this I cannot change my nature-- which is to keep giving chances, I'm just hoping that realising this will make me think twice. Honestly, I'm just sick of getting taken advantage of and walked all over. Thats just human nature for you.

Holly Golightly and I --- not so strong?

Everybody puts on a show. Actors, actresses, characters, and even us "ordinary people." Everybody does it in different ways. This is another similarity between Holly Golightly and I that I've stumbled upon during one of the zillion times I've watched Breakfast at Tiffanys. Holly like to put on a show that she has everything figured out, she's sophisticated, well structured, inviolable and practically unbreakable. She makes it seem as thought her future is concrete and she needs no one but herself. But once she is comfortable with a person, she lets her gaurd down and slips into a "sweetly vulnerable bundle of neuroses" whether or not she intends to. I must admit, I am the same way. I try to lie to others, and myself, and come off as a well strung, unbreakable, and certain about everything... Honestly I'm more uncertain than a kid in a candy store with only a dollar left, I'm as breakable as the horizon, and I'm such a mess and bundle of confusion inside that I'm more loosely strung than a 5 year aged fishing net. I guess you could call this connection between me and Ms. Golightly more of a confession about who I really am. But everytime I watch this movie, I find more out about life, and myself. It's stellar. =]

Holly Golightly and I --- " the mean reds"

If theres one character from any movie of anytime I can relate to it would be Holly Golightly from the 1961 film Breakfast at Tiffany's. Holly Golightly [played by Audrey Hepburn] is a flighty and mysteriously charming young woman living a strange and questionable life.

At one point in the film Holly has this conversation with her neighbor Paul Varjak...

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
Paul Varjak: Sure.
Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!


I can relate to this quote/conversation more than I've ever been able to relate to anything in my life. For one-- I know exactly what she means by the "mean reds" and being afraid but for no reason. Theres been days where I've woken up scared, just scared that something awful might happen and I feel the need to run. Its such an awful feeling.
and for two-- having that place to run to, which happens to be Tiffany's for Ms. Golightly, is the best solution to the "mean reds". Its that one place you can go and just forget the world, it's the kind of place that you only bring people you really trust and care about, because you trust them enough not to ruin it, and care about them enough to share it with them.
Theres this one place I go when I'm at school and I'm breaking down, scared, trying to run. Its the one place in the city I can walk without getting too scared to get lost. I can just lay there and look at the stars. It's one of the few places in the city where you can actually see the stars and appreciate them, thats what makes it so good. It's my Tiffanys, it's my escape. I feel like everyone has one of those places, it could be a broken bridge with graffitti all over it, or it could be a certain bench in a certain park. Everyone has one place they can always feel at home and run to during the "mean reds", if Holly Golightly taught me anything, that would be it.

Entertainers not Representatives...

A commentary I wrote earlier this year....






Imagine you’re walking down the street after just rolling out of bed in your plaid pajama bottoms and a baggy torn sweatshirt. You figure you’re just walking to the coffee shop, who’s going to bother you? Then out of nowhere pops out a dozen paparazzi cameras, followed by tomorrows headline about a scrubbed out low-life walking around in public wearing everything mentioned in Baltimore Style’s “Fashion 101” don’t list. That sounds fair, right? After all that is what we do to celebrities in the media today. Sometimes I am brought to think, how far will the media go for a story, and do we judge our idols a little too closely?
Let’s take a look at today’s most notorious pop star Britney Spears. She has been in the spotlight since about age 16. When she first became famous, we all saw her as a sweet and innocent teenager, but somehow we expected her to stay that way. When we were informed that the once glowing blonde pop star had admitted herself to rehabilitation and shaved her head, the public went into shock and awe. Yes, it is a very dramatic and upsetting matter to deal with, but is it really our business? A concerned parent could argue that Britney had set a reckless and poor example for her younger audience, but does the youth of our nation really pay that close attention to the behavior of our celebrities or do they just listen to the music. Either way, that is something that can be controlled by the parents.
Essentially, my point is how would you like it if somebody wrote an article or reported on MTV about your psychological problems? For a parent or authoritative figure to use this type of information to shun their children from paying any attention to these celebrities, would just be like a friend of yours or a community member telling their children or relatives not to associate with you because you are emotionally or mentally unwell. I feel that we should sympathize rather than criticize our idols. As New York Times columnist Caryn James put it, it’s easy to feel sorry for the stars because of the “idealized old-Hollywood standard” they are expected to follow. It’s no wonder so many celebrities are emotionally unstable; anyone who has their every flaw pointed out to thousands if not millions of people on a regular basis has reason to feel a little under the weather.
When it comes to government officials and high stature figures in our society it is completely different. Take in consideration the Bill Clinton sex scandal. I’m sure there are many adulterers out there, but they are not leading our country and representing our society everyday of their lives. The president’s job is to represent American’s, celebrities jobs are to entertain. There is a huge difference between the two.
So when you hear about Jamie Lynn Spears or Lindsey Lohan getting “knocked up” at such a young age, I suggest looking at the statistics for our country and see how many other normal teens are in the same position. Maybe it’s not such a sin, and maybe it’s not so uncommon. Celebrities are normal people too. Nobody’s perfect. And if you think about it they are after all, entertainers.

Prompted by Professor

Okay so my preface to this...

At the beginning of my Composition class my professor who's name I cannot recall for the life of me would give us a writing prompt of some sort and direct us as to what he wanted to come from this object, phrase, etc. One day he came in and placed this atrocious hooker-type stiletto and told us to tell the story behind it. And this is what came out of it for me... I was told that it was well done and I should post it here. So here it goes...







Rita was a Las Vegas show girl. Probably one of the most beautiful girls the business has ever seen. She had emerald green eyes, chestnut brown hair that carelessly waved its way down to the middle of her back, and naturally bronze tanned skin just light enough to let the rosiness of her cheeks shine through. On stage she was beautiful from head to toe; graceful like a swan, stylish like something off a Paris Fashion runway, and captivating with every move she made. But on the streets and in the comfort of her own home it was as if she took on a completely new identity; Almost as if she was Clark Kent at home, and superman at work. Although she still had a beautiful face she wore the most unnatractive and unflattering clothing one could ever imagine. Tim Burton himself could not scheme up such a character in his most bewildered dreams. She wore a turqouise and gold laced long sweater that looked as heavy as a trench coat, along with some type of fire patterned satin pants. People would say that the most grotesque addition to her ensemble was her irredescent green high heels. But every single day she wore the same thing and held her head high past the laughter and snide remarks. One day a bold and intrigued man approached Rita at a local Cafe. Unintimidated by her green heel tapping, raised eyebrow, mysterious appeal the man asked her why she dressed as so when she had the potential to be a model. Her emerald green eyes locked into his as if she didn't even need to speak to make her point, and she softly said "Because I want people to see the beauty behind the beast." From that day on the man started to see what she wanted everyone to see, and then started to see things he didn't want to see. Over time he noticed that Rita was almost always alone, the only time she really "socialized" is when she was working. It pained him to see that not a single person could get past her appearence and give into the mystery of what lay beneath her attire. Years later Rita passed away, and of course as requested was burried in that same outfit. The man from the Cafe was the only person to attend her funeral. When the Preist asked the man why he was the only person at the service, he replied "I'm the only one who saw her beauty, I guess..."

Take Time To Realize

There's a point in your life where you realise who really matters to you. I've reached that point. Love is captivating, friends are fun, but family is permanent. Once you've been captivated you can be set free. When the fun begins, the room for drama expands. You can fuck up over and over again--- as I have plenty of times and no matter what, family will be there. I mean don't get me wrong, I don't intend on fucking up every chance I get just because I know that my family wont go anywhere, all I'm saying is family is all that is certain in life. They are all that really matters. And hey yeah theres friends like that, but isn't there some kind of saying among the lines of theres a point where you stop being best friends and start being family. I feel that you even can create and build onto your family without reproduction or matrimony. For example I have a best friend- of eight years or so- who I feel is a sister to me, I call her mom "mom" and her dad "dad" because thats how close we are.

Anyways, I've spent the past week or so with my family. I went camping with my sister and cousins, aunts, uncle's etc. I realized how much my sister has grown into a beautiful, funny, crazy and free spirited young woman, and it hurt me because I know how much she cares about me and how much time I've missed out on with her, especially since I went off to school. After my sister and I had returned from camping we went to stay at my mothers house. My mother tries so hard to please us and make us happy, you can tell just from the smile on her face when she sees us how much she loves us and misses us. It kills me to see that smile because I feel as though I've let her down by not calling enough or visiting enough since I started college, and I know you're thinking "So call more! Visit more!"... It's easier said than done. I just feel awful, I love her so much and wish I could give her everything she deserves. After spending time with mom it made me think about how long its been since I've actually spent time with dad. Dad is frusterating to be around, he's angry, negative, and a huge ball of stress. I can't say or do anything around him unless I'm uber cautious. But I love him he would do anything for me, which is why I feel bad that I can barely recall the last time I spent more than two hours with him. I really do appreciate him, and I'd like to apologize to him for showing it in a shitty way-- but if I tried he'd yell at me for saying "shitty". And oh jeez here it goes- my grandfather. I live with him because of family complications. He pays for college, he puts a roof over my head, and puts his entire life into his family. He is the most honorable respectable man I've ever met... and I've let him down so many times. I just recently fucked up and I felt bad because he's given his life for me, and has asked very little from me but I fucked up the first chance I got. I do appreciate him and I need to start showing it more. I love him, he's less of a grandparent to me and more like a third parent.


So here's what it comes down to. I've gotten to the point where I see a change that needs to be made and I'm going to make it. My family is all that is certain to me, and I intend on making it certain to them that I will be there- always. Promise.

Election 08

hate me for it
love me for it
[[or]]
remain undecided
i don't care
just be aware
this is where i stand.
.obama.oh.eight.

Dignity & Respect

To start things off I'd like to preface this blog with two quotes which I have found very meaningful lately.
The first... "I'm not concerned with your liking or disliking me...All I ask is that you respect me as a human being" - Jackie Robinson
&& The second... "Never take a persons dignity; it is worth everything to them, and nothing to you." -Frank Barron.
As far as respect goes, to me, it is the hardest thing to earn, and the easiest thing to manipulate. If you do not like me as a person, and do not respect me as a person I suggest and would greatly fucking appreciate it if you did not lead me on to think otherwise. The worst thing you can do to a person, and the best way to break someone down is by showing them such disrespect after leading them to believe they are of great significance to you. If you respect me you will not
a.) be unloyal to me or dishonest with me -whether it be as a friend, a lover, or a part of my family.
b.) use me
c.) treat me as if im barely human
If you don't like me don't fake it - bottom line. It's a waste of your energy as well as a waste of a place in my heart for you no matter who you are. Whatever you want from me tell me, no bullshit, no drama, no lies. If you're acting like my friend but your not because for some fucked up reason you need something I have- youre better off asking me I'm a pretty understanding person. If youre acting like you have some sort of romantic interest in me because you want anything less than a mutual connection- be straight up I've been fooled by too many people I'd rather just get your intentions out in the open immediatley. If youre in my family - you are the only exception - I can forgive and forget but remember that family is all you have in the end dont fuck up that bit of respect and trust that I have reserved for you.

As for the second quote and the final part to my rant is the issue of dignity-- which I guess could go hand in hand with respect but whatever. Don't break someone down because you don't like them, or because you feel shitty about yourself. It's just common fucking courtesy. Think about it; thats whats wrong with our generation. Girls learn early to be bitches, and boys learn just as early to belittle people. Life is a giant dick measuring contest. And if someone thinks theyre losing, they find a way to bring the next person in line down. Why do you think everyones so destined to be america's next top model or some half naked abercrombie representative? Because if you're not beautiful youre told. If you don't have a talent, you're unacknowledged. We have been taught to get ahead you need to step on people, even people you love. If someone comes off as cocky or conceited; let them fucking be. The only reason they are is because no one has ever told them otherwise, no one has tried to rob them of their dignity, pride, or confidence. So why attack them after they've made it this far?
So basically heres what it comes down to. Fake is fucked. I'm a good listener; I even give good advice sometimes, you'd be surprised. So when you feel like shit about your life-- don't fuck with mine. Ask me for help. Don't rob me of my dignity. Don't disrespect me. Because as of right now it's all I have left and as time passes some of you seem more determined to snatch it out of my grasp.

just consider it...

Trust & Reliability

trusting someone & relying on someone are two completely different things. when you rely on someone it's because you know they would do what you ask them to. when you trust someone you expect them to do what you dont think you need to ask them.
for exampleyou rely on someone to give you a ride somewhere... because you asked them.you trust someone not to break your heart or to go behind your back... because its expected.
Love allTrust fewDo wrong to no one-Shakespeare

Relationships

im 19 years old, and im starting to realise ive wasted so much time in pointless relationships. fuck; i spent 2 and a half years of nothing but cheating, lying, and mistrust all because I'm affectionate. Whats the point of being in a relationship when youre this young if you know you're not going to marry the person. I'm not getting married anytime soon, and what other need would a relationship fulfill. Romantic relationships are supposed to be permanent bonds supposedly; they're not supposed to end, thats why they call it heartbreak and not life. Heartbreak is only a part of life because we seem to buy into society's/ Hollywood's picture perfect "The Notebook" type romance. And if you think about it do we really NEED to get married, does every single one of us really honestly have someone they belong to? Can we as individuals not have a happy and well lived life without living it with someone by our side? Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle, sex is great, romance is cool if you let yourself get caught in the moment etc. but I just don't get the point, or the need for a relationship. Yeah I know I'll sometime within the next year get sucked back into a relationship and I don't know why, but seriously what the fuck, why try if I'm not getting married.

Live and Let Live

It was once said that if one will flow as life flows they will need no greater force. I think this is something my family should take into consideration, along with the rest of the nagging parents, teachers and leaders of today.
If something is meant to happen- chances are it will. I am a strong believer in fate. My father has openly admitted to me several times that since I was born he has been "training" me to go to college, become a doctor a lawyer or any of those stereotypically determined successful career paths. Frankly, it pisses me off. We shouldn't have to force our lives and shape them from the day were born to turn out to be something special. You're either born with talent, passion, brains, and such, or you're not. You shouldn't be 5 years old and worrying about your kindergarten grades because your parents tell you you'll never get into college-- at that age your biggest concern should have been what you wanted for desert. Fuck we've been robbed of our carefree spirits and our creativity because since the day we were born our parents set our dreams for us.

I just want to live my life the way it wants to be lived. Live and let live I say. Let me be wreckless- let me run with scissors! If I die it's because I was supposed to. We're too damn cautious, and half the time we fuck it up anyways. Think about it.

A Lame Attempt at Poetry

Inhale, exhale
Count to ten
Walk myself through these steps again.
In through the mouth
Out through the nose
Nothing beats memories like those.
They tell you to breathe
But they dont understand
It's not something you can fix
By holding my hand.
Just stay and confront
Thats how it should be done
But when they turn their backs
I turn to run.
Step by step my heart beats faster
My knees get weak
As my mind gets captured
I've been told that you can't rewind time
So why do I keep reliving the past in my mind?
It seems though no matter what I do
This solid steel web pulls me back
And suffocates me with yet another panic attack.
So once again
Inhale, exhale
Count to ten
Don't forget to breathe again.