8.04.2008
Relationships
im 19 years old, and im starting to realise ive wasted so much time in pointless relationships. fuck; i spent 2 and a half years of nothing but cheating, lying, and mistrust all because I'm affectionate. Whats the point of being in a relationship when youre this young if you know you're not going to marry the person. I'm not getting married anytime soon, and what other need would a relationship fulfill. Romantic relationships are supposed to be permanent bonds supposedly; they're not supposed to end, thats why they call it heartbreak and not life. Heartbreak is only a part of life because we seem to buy into society's/ Hollywood's picture perfect "The Notebook" type romance. And if you think about it do we really NEED to get married, does every single one of us really honestly have someone they belong to? Can we as individuals not have a happy and well lived life without living it with someone by our side? Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle, sex is great, romance is cool if you let yourself get caught in the moment etc. but I just don't get the point, or the need for a relationship. Yeah I know I'll sometime within the next year get sucked back into a relationship and I don't know why, but seriously what the fuck, why try if I'm not getting married.
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i'm sorry i really am.... theres not a day that goes by that i dont see your picture on my bulletin board and i eat myself up inside. I fucked up what was the best thing in my life. I know i can never fix that. But its like i said you were a huge part of my life and i'll always want you in it as a friend.
Tonight I realized I'm 27, alone, and regardless of what happens now I will have missed so much of her life that some sorrow is inevitable.
I sought love in high school, but it didn't work out. She was in a group home and they decided to transfer her. Broke my heart when she ended it.
So I gave up on love and wound up enjoying my solitude. I got into mmos and other games and stayed home.
Now for some reason I find this choice to be unacceptable. I'm willing to love unconditionally and all I want in return is a willingness to to love, grow, improve, and stay with the one I'm with.
What happened to the child I was whose heart only longed for a single love, first and forever and blessed of God? I asked him for a love that even the stars could not take away, but in return I lost both my parents, went through HS without any emotional support and found that the true meaning of freedom is solitude.
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