There's a point in your life where you realise who really matters to you. I've reached that point. Love is captivating, friends are fun, but family is permanent. Once you've been captivated you can be set free. When the fun begins, the room for drama expands. You can fuck up over and over again--- as I have plenty of times and no matter what, family will be there. I mean don't get me wrong, I don't intend on fucking up every chance I get just because I know that my family wont go anywhere, all I'm saying is family is all that is certain in life. They are all that really matters. And hey yeah theres friends like that, but isn't there some kind of saying among the lines of theres a point where you stop being best friends and start being family. I feel that you even can create and build onto your family without reproduction or matrimony. For example I have a best friend- of eight years or so- who I feel is a sister to me, I call her mom "mom" and her dad "dad" because thats how close we are.
Anyways, I've spent the past week or so with my family. I went camping with my sister and cousins, aunts, uncle's etc. I realized how much my sister has grown into a beautiful, funny, crazy and free spirited young woman, and it hurt me because I know how much she cares about me and how much time I've missed out on with her, especially since I went off to school. After my sister and I had returned from camping we went to stay at my mothers house. My mother tries so hard to please us and make us happy, you can tell just from the smile on her face when she sees us how much she loves us and misses us. It kills me to see that smile because I feel as though I've let her down by not calling enough or visiting enough since I started college, and I know you're thinking "So call more! Visit more!"... It's easier said than done. I just feel awful, I love her so much and wish I could give her everything she deserves. After spending time with mom it made me think about how long its been since I've actually spent time with dad. Dad is frusterating to be around, he's angry, negative, and a huge ball of stress. I can't say or do anything around him unless I'm uber cautious. But I love him he would do anything for me, which is why I feel bad that I can barely recall the last time I spent more than two hours with him. I really do appreciate him, and I'd like to apologize to him for showing it in a shitty way-- but if I tried he'd yell at me for saying "shitty". And oh jeez here it goes- my grandfather. I live with him because of family complications. He pays for college, he puts a roof over my head, and puts his entire life into his family. He is the most honorable respectable man I've ever met... and I've let him down so many times. I just recently fucked up and I felt bad because he's given his life for me, and has asked very little from me but I fucked up the first chance I got. I do appreciate him and I need to start showing it more. I love him, he's less of a grandparent to me and more like a third parent.
So here's what it comes down to. I've gotten to the point where I see a change that needs to be made and I'm going to make it. My family is all that is certain to me, and I intend on making it certain to them that I will be there- always. Promise.
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