Smoke & Mirrors

A kiss can say a thousand words, but those thousand words could be a million lies. A kiss is in hopes to turn a frog into a prince, but sometimes the book is as clear as the cover. Its like finding a diamond in the rough. You can dig through a states length of mountains, and kiss a thousand frogs, only to find that the rock you've been incessantly chiseling at, and the amphibean you've been locking lips with, are exactly what they seemed to be. What it all comes down to is you can't look for the good in everyone, because if they are good, a prince, or a diamond... they will ride in on their white horse, or incandescently gleam among the dulled lumps of rock and coal. I guess you're just not supposed to look for that speachless and genuine kiss, or that person it's supposed to be with. You will be drawn to it, as it will be to you. Fate darlings, it's all about fate, and if you don't have faith in fate, you'll spend your life wandering through smoke, walking into mirrors... tripping over frogs and rocks.

Solitude

Albert Einstein once said "Solitude is painful when one is young, but delightful when one is more mature." And I could not agree with this statement more than a fat kid could agree to an all expense paid trip to Krispy Kreme for their birthday. I feel as if I can really relate to this quote, and as if these expressed stages of maturity are one hundred percent accurate. When I was younger, I hated being alone; the feeling of being lonely, not always having friends around, not having a boyfriend, was the worst of all feelings. I felt as if in order to be happy I needed to surround myself with the presence of other individuals. It's like most social cliques in high-school. People migrate in big packs, sit at a lunch table made for 5 with an actual amount of 14 kids, and go to the bathroom in groups. You don't want to be "that kid". You don't want to be a loner. And maybe this is exactly why people say it takes years to truly discover and become happy with yourself. I recently (as in over the past year and a half up til this point) have greatly started to appreciate solitude & my alone time. Don't get me wrong, I love being social, having a good time, being with my dearest friends and such, but being alone is so calming. It's the one time you can sit there and think about what you want, and yourself without feeling selfish. You don't need to worry about everyone else and what they are discussing and you can focus on other things that you can't express in front of others. It's not that I don't care about discussions that I have with my peers it's just nice to be able to clear my head. Just the other night when my friends went out, I decided to stay in, then go for a long walk. It gave me time to think, and even not to think, just to observe things you don't observe when with others. I observed the sky for the first time in ages. I love the night sky, and observing it alone, gave me a greater appreciation for it. I also observed this couple walking in front of me for a while. They seemed young (mid-twenties) and they seemed to be at the beginning stages of their relationship where you are completely infatuated with one another. They held hands while walking, an occasional giggle, side glance and timid smile with a side order of a rosie-pink-cheeked-blush. It was young love at its best, something I also learned to greatly appreciate. Being alone gives you the time to really sit and apprecaite things in life that you can't appreciate when your'e in a large crowd. It really gives you time to find what makes you happy. I know this probably all sounds so corny and maybe even cliche. I just thought I'd put all this out there to see if anyone feels the same... =]


Serene & Smiling
-Sammi Sunshine-

Old & Sexual --- Growing Up

It was yesterday, I believe, me and my two best friends here at school were sitting around having a conversation like something out of a college based "Sex & The City" type of scene when I stopped and noted on top of the conclusion of our conversation that "We are getting old... & sexual" It was then of course shattered with an outburst of laughter like us girls usually do, but then we discussed that, goddamn I'm right.
It's gotten to the point in my life where I realize I'm growing up, and find myself in more adult situations. For example when Kayla, Ashley and I were discussing certain romantic situations (non sexual) it wasn't like our last years conversations about "Oh my god he's so hot" or "Eh I don't know I'd rather just party". Our standards of which we judge whether or not things will work with a guy have raised to more mature levels. I.E. whether their jealous tendencies are dealable, or intolerable. (thats not directed specifically to anyone so stop it.) But basically it's finally hit me, in order to have a decent and fully functional relationship several things must happen. First, one must identify those little things that you dont like about a person, and decide if its something you can learn to love. You cannot be with someone until you learn to love their flaws. Second of all, you have got to establish a common ground, like make sure that the strong important points like trust, jealousy, and interests are somewhat aligned with one anothers ideas about each. And third off, establish ON YOUR OWN, not by asking a friend what they think, if there is a/ or chance of a legitimate sexual AND emotional connection. As shallow as it may sound, sex is what keeps a relationship healthy, but too much can distract from building an emotional connection keep in mind.
Unfortunatley its things like these that came to me through trial and error. I've hurt people, and been hurt by people in the process. But after learning all of this, and growing from it, I've become what me and my friends like to call old & sexual.

The Good - Part Three

I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.
-Martha Washington


This quote is going to be my new lifestyle from here on out. I've decided I've wasted too much time being upset about everything, and letting things get to me. I've wasted too much time being miserable because of my disposition on the situation. Everytime theres a problem, I either dwell too much, or I run. I've been considering transferring (gasp I know I haven't mentioned it to many people) and I've decided to stay. I can't just run away from people and situations, because no matter where I go there will be a new and possibly even more dangerous obstacle for me to overcome. I'm sticking it out and I'm staying. And throughout all this, I'm going to stick it out with a huge smile on my face and of course my usual "Fuck you" attitude. I have GOT to stop being so concerned about everyone else, and what they think, and letting them bring me down. Honestly I don't know why I've let people get to me so well. Half the world is drunk, coked out, or baked anyways. I can't blame people for being so fucked, it's just the thing to be now. There are very few good people amongst us these days, and I've got to embrace those very few, and get rid of the bad in my life. So from this day out, I'm going to have a different disposition. I am from here on leaving no room for assholes, liars, cheaters, and manipulating pricks in my life. I have too many good friends and family in my life to waste my energy on people who only do me wrong. I have only been upset because I have let myself be upset. So if you see me, and I'm down, smack me once or twice. Maybe three times if you get really into it haha. Because this isn't going to be easy. But I'm turning my life around. I know I'm strong enough to do it, it's just going to take some time. In the words of Leona Lewis "It'll all get better in time" && "I'm gonna smile cuz I deserve to"


Peace. Love. Sunshine

The City is a Cold Lonely Place

You know what I miss about home? I miss being able to walk down the street without someone doing so much as even looking at me. I miss people not checking me out, and being disgusted by me rather than attracted to me. I miss being a nobody rather than an object of lust. I've been taken advantage of before, I have only told one person about these TWO instances where it has happened. And last night, what happened to me was the last straw. I had too close of an encounter to feel even the slightest bit safe. I feel violated with out having been touched by another person. Someone had the nerve to drug my drink -- roofie / date rape drug if you prefer. Thats about when I decided I want to go home. I hate home, I hate the suburbs, the slow lane if you please. I hate it, I like thrills, but that about ruined it for me. I feel so taken advantage of. Oh and what is even better is when I went to safety and security about the matter and one of the officers responses were "I bet you learned your lesson then". That came off to me as "Oh you did it to yourself." That is so not the attitude you need to have in that type of feild, you are not there to judge the victim, you are there to provide every bit of support you can offer. This is yet another reason I am so motivated to stay in Criminal Justice for my major. I don't want people to have to turn to dickheads like this when in times of need. This morning I broke down in tears because of how dissapointed I am in our society. Have we really given up on emotional connections to the point where you will drug someone for sex. Why not just get a fucking prostitute. I garuntee it will get you in less trouble. And you know whats worse. I was informed that when my drugged body was being tredged back to the dorms by my best friend guys were still yelling things and hitting on me. Its disgusting how people take advantage of others in their moments of weakness.You know you're in a lonely place, when peoples deepest connections are literally & physically inside you. The city is a cold and lonely place. I just want to find people who will make me feel less alone, and more connected. I'm a little lost for words because I'm so disgusted, so I apologize if this comes off as vague or hard to comprehend. I wrote this more to get things off my chest than for your reading pleasure... Sorry.

A Name-- Not A Number

So today in my Sociology class, my professor was rambling on and on about how he went from being somewhere where everyone knew eachother to being at a huge college where no one really knew eachother. He expressed his relief to be a number in a crowd rather than a name; I feel the complete opposite about that statement. Now I also came from a town where everyone knew eachother; with the exception of a few people... like me. I wasn't well known, being known at my school was a giant drama competition. And I was out for the count from day one. Now that I am here at school, I've become slightly recognized, which can be good or bad. All depending on who you ask, you'll hear different things about me. But most of the bad is from people who've barely spoken with me so it doesn't phase me. But what I'm getting at here is, I don't want to be a number, ever. I want to make a change, I want to leave an impact and impression on people who meet me. Another professor said to us yesterday that we need to stop texting, instant messaging, and talking on the phone, because we'll never find ourselves via email & such. She also said that once you find yourself, you will be happy, and people will gravitate toward you, because they see that difference and happiness in you. I feel like that is the first step to making yourself a name instead of a number. I feel like I have already gotten dangerously close to this step. I feel as if I've found myself and know who I am and who I want to be, but maybe theres just a little more to explore. I'm happy, happier than ever. I love it. And I can't wait to make that impact, and impression, I can't wait to make that difference I've been dying to make and get to that last step. I met someone recently who has obviously reached that final step. I was drawn to him the way that my professor had described. I remember bumping into him last year and it just occured to be that hes the same guy. The first encounter I had, I ran into him at one of the food places for the university and he was sitting there looking content as ever, almost unrealistically happy, just reading the dictionary. It was the strangest but most calming vision ever. This year, this mystery boy, is in two of my classes. In one of them he was sitting there spinning his book on his hand not even dropping it, getting ridiculed by these superficial guido boys in the back, but it didn't even phase him, he still kept doing it and didn't care. Then after speaking with him breifly in line to get food, I was sitting there watching him carry his tray to his seat and he dropped all his food on the ground. I figured he'd get all flushed, embarassed or annoyed by the mistake like most people, but he just looked at me made a joke about it cleaned it up and walked away. That boy, (I'm sorry young man?)has definatley discovered himself and acheived total happiness. I idolize him and can't wait to get to that point in my life.I'm going to be a name, not a number, although I do not know the boys name of who I idolize... he isn't a number to me. He's a nameless name. I'd even die to be that. So I'm going to stop typing, get up, and find myself, or find that little part I feel like I'm missing, because I'm so close, and today even more motivated to get even closer.

So predictable.

The other day, I experienced Dejavu (sp check.) and I've decided I don't like it. Like I felt like I had that same conversation, standing in that same place, about to go do the same thing. It was the strangest feeling in the entire world, and I think I don't like it because it made me feel like my life is so predictable. I want excitement, change, thrills, adrenyline rushes. I don't want to know what each day will bring. I don't want to have a routine, a schedule, a lifestyle. I want to seize the day as cliche as that might sound. I want my life to be a thrill. I want to have intruiging conversations that either make no sense or have such deep meaning, and I never want to repeat a conversation. I wan't to wake up someday, and just drive, and don't stop until I've either a.) done something fulfilling or b.) discovered something , whether it be something no one else has or something about myself. I don't care I want change. I want to start over, just so I don't have any repeated moments. I hate dejavu. I hate repitition.

RANT.

FUCKING UGH. This is most likely going to sound super repetitive, and it's probably going to be a totaly bitch session. You most likely wont even enjoy reading this, I'm writing this for myself. I am SO sick of being treated like a peice of ass. One of the worst things you can do to a person, is treat them like they are nothing but an object of lust. Its degrading, it's the worst feeling in the entire world. To know that people are so shallow as to look past what they are making the other person emotionally feel in order to "get off" breaks my fucking heart. It's even worse when someone tries to tell you they are interested in you more than sexually and you want to believe them but all they seem to focus their attention on is your sex life. Like honestly, I wish I was a virgin and I wish I could have stayed that way until marraige. Guys do not respect me and I am so sick of it. It honestly makes me feel worthless. I've worked so hard to build up some bit of self esteem, and this is not helping at all. Call me weak for letting something like this bring me down, but how would you feel. I feel used. I feel worthless. I feel like an object of lust. I do not feel human. I'm so angry right now I can't even explain it. The one thing I've always been proud of is my personality, and who I am inside. And the fact that no one else seems to appreciate it or see it really hurts me. This is the first time in a while that I can truly say I'm sincerely hurt. And not by one event or action that has hurt me, by a lifetime of things done to me that I just cant take anymore. Is it really so hard to see someone for who they are?


By the way if you are offended by this, that honestly sucks for you. Because I mean every word and it is how I really feel. If you'd like to confront me and prove me wrong, be my guest because I'm ready for a good fight, I have plenty of ammo.