Home

"A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams."

Home is no longer a place, it is a state of mind. This struck me, as I was listening to "Home" by Katharine McPhee blasting through my pink headphones. It not only was the lyrics of the song that made me realize this, but the point I've come to in my life. The place I've always called "home" has never felt quite right to me, there was always something missing, always that feeling of belonging that just never made its way into my life. I never had moments where I felt like everything was okay, and that I was truly 100% happy, then I came to Providence. Boston, baby, don't get me wrong, I love you, and of course the few good friends I have left with you, but it just wasn't right. Yes Boston, thats right, I'm breaking up with you. Providence has so much more to offer. Providence holds (temporarily) two of my dearest friends, one of the few people who really seems to understand me, an escape, a foundation in which to build my life on, and a new beginning, a new me. These are all factors that I need to feel at home. These all build onto the state of mind that I'm talking about. In the song I had mentioned breifly at the beginning of this blog, the chorus goes a little something like this:
Does anybody know what it's like
To feel larger than life
To look deep in your soul
And know you're not alone
Does anybody know how it feels
To find something that's real
And make it your own
That's when you know that you found home
<--- This is the state of mind. This is the feeling I was missing all those years. I've never been able to put into words what home should feel like, so thanks Katharine McPhee, for doing what I could not. When I was in Mass, I always had that feeling that no one quite understood, and that I was surrounded by people who loved me, but I was still so alone. Now that I'm here, at college, for another year. I've finally found that sense of home. I do miss certain things back where I came from, that I cannot deny, but I do not desire to return for good. Right now, I feel understood, I feel like no matter what happens, I won't be alone. I do have a few people, who have made this feeling possible, and who have made their way into my heart unexpectedly, to thank for this. They know who they are though so I won't go on with names. I just needed to get this off my chest. It may not have been insightful, or fun to read, or even well written. But this isn't for you, I'm writing this for me...



=]

Puzzles.

An ice skater, shy and reserved to everyone else, but a total trip around her friends, the friends she dedicates her whole golden heart to. A diligent young woman, undoubtedly beyond her time and age, timid and mature by looks, but outrageous in mind and soul, unique in ways you cannot weave into yourself. A vermonter, suprisingly not wearing a lumberjack coat instead stylishly assembled on the outside and in, with a boisterous laugh and incredible sense of friendship. And a boy whom captures your attention for reasons you cannot explain, the kind of man who asks for a cute kiss, rather than being flashed at a college mardi-gras fraternity party...
It's individuals like these that make my life. As I listened to a song last night the words "Some say that time changes, best friends can become strangers." flew through my mind over and over. My head and heart fluttered furiously at the thought that maybe these words are true. Or maybe you just become closer to people whom you are opposite with. Those first impressions... they mean nothing. Because in this sick twisted world of cliques and pricks... everybody can get along. You can dwindle on the almost decade-long friendships as they wither in your hands because of factors beyond your control. Or you can embrace the ones that ,although may have completely different lifestyles, minds, and appearances, are as close to you as family. Honestly who ever thought that a loud-mouthed italian extrovert, a family-friend oriented introvert, a crazy hanson-loving "redneck" (jk i love you), a sophisticated future entrepenuer of america, and a shoe-less frisbee playing carefree mystery could ever clash into eachothers lives becoming closer than peanut butter and jelly. Its time to stop focusing on the friends who've grown away, the friends you've lost, or the friends you fought off... and start to treasure the strange bits and peices of your puzzle... your life... your friends. We may all be different calamities of colors, but all of our peices fit together, so before you set down the peices, glue them. You dont want to be one peice short, or you'll never be complete.

My symphony...

Have you ever closed your eyes and listened to a symphony? Have you ever imagined what sort of images and stories are woven into the sounds and flow of the symphony? Everyone has a different interpretation and concept of what emotions each composer trys to entail in their work. It could be chaos, serenity, confusion, grace, or even destruction. Everyone also has their own symphony... Listen to mine.
It starts with the slow induction of the low pitched, sorrowed violin. Imagine an aged by look but not by years type of woman, with a sullen expression and closed eyes playing this segment, representing the slow, uphill battle of the early years. Those years where you struggle to find who you are, and reach out for things that are not within arms reach. Then all of a sudden chimes in a slightly rosy-cheeked, luminous young woman, close eyed as well, but with a slight smile behind her expression, playing that high pitched fluttery flute noise you often hear when a bird chimes in or when an infant flutters its eyes open for the first time. This segment is the beginning of my epiphany, that little spark in my life that ignited all the rest, the spark that set me free, building upon my determination to reach further. The conducter, who wears her age within her wrinkled expressions, along with her experience, gracefully and steadily raises one hand, while beckoning more instruments with the other into this chaotic mix of sounds, turning the entire stage into an abundance of excitement and stress, then suddenly and sharply strikes both hands up yelling "Forte!" without even moving her mouth. This is my climax, this is when the deep sounding drums subtly thump into through the distance. When the drum roll quickens in pace. When the trumpet erupts through all of the surrounding sounds and the quitest of tunes climbs to the loudest of octaves. This is when the musicians faces are most concentrated, fierce, and determined. It's as strong and powerful as a double-neck guitar solo in a rock ballad, but as graceful as a light-footed ballerina prancing across a rose-petal-covered stage. It's that part in your life where you are on the edge of your seat, where that first bead of anticipating sweat tumbles down the creases of your face. You know you're going out dramatic, taking a chance, and risking it all, but you know it's right. As the cymbals crash and break your concentration, sending your heart into a tizzy, making you feel disoriented like a lost child, you feel like running, but you don't because you want to hear, see, and feel what is next. You're expecting a loud crash, an epic fall, or a horrifying ending, because you took a chance, you brought in the trumpets, the drums, the cymbals, and tuned out the slow soft sorrow of the violin... but to your surprise, the chaos stops. The hall goes silent, the symphony motionless... and the last few notes are chirped from a combination of the flute, and a higher pitch from the violin, showing you that all is well...showing you that you've grabbed what you were reaching for... and that there is calm after the storm. The lights dim on the musicians, with only one light left, the light on the conducter, full of experience, and knowledge. The light is only on you. You are the conducter, your life is the symphony. That is my symphony... my life. Make yours beautiful.

Becoming my future PART II

Okay so as I predicted the blog I wrote about... hmm... a half hour ago started a debate. I copied and pasted the conversation so you can read it and get a better outlook on things I didn't think to type, and opinions I did not exaggerate to you. My apologies for being so vague but read below before debating with me... If at the end of reading this you still have "beef" with my point of view lets debate it out. If you want to read the first part of this segment, read the blogpost directly below this one.




"Andrew": not that im opposed to the death penalty...
"Andrew": but
"Andrew": you realize its more expensive for society to have someone on death row than in prison for life, right?
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: well yeah and it may cause over crowding by having individuals wait to die in prison and it may cost us money but theres ways of avoiding that im sure if our high and mighty gov realllyy put their minds to it they could adapt a new system. for example if we stop wasting money on rehab which is where the majority of our funds go, then that money can be focused on the people in prison for life or on death row
"Andrew": the most expensive cost is actually litigation
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: sorry that took so long im tryna pick out an outfit for tomorrow
"Andrew": it costs hundreds of thousands of dollars to put someone to death
"Andrew": due to the appeals process and our wonderful legal system
"Andrew": i wish it wasnt the case
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: well yeah thats why i siad if our gov put their minds to it we could adapt to a new system
"Andrew": yeah
"Andrew": thats where human rights come in though
"Andrew": technically we have to give equal rights and due process to prisoners
"Andrew": so it sucks up money
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: but i feel like in order to interchange this system we need to stop funding rehab. and yeah i know everyone gives me the human rights spew but then again why should prisoners get rights when in order to maintain your rights as a society member youve got to be a productive and not disruptive member of society
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: and by being dispruptive and disobeying our laws, they are giving up their rights by default
"Andrew": right, i agree on that aspect
"Andrew": but then where do you draw the line for due process and human rights?
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: example?
"Andrew": youre saying a manslaughterer, a white collar criminal, and a serial killer all do or do not deserve these rights
"Andrew": thats the tough part, where do you draw the lines for who gets those rights
"Andrew": what types of crimes, etc
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: okay, well manslaughter, rape, child molesters, and big time criminals--- nuke em. white collar crime, honestly we waste so much on them just lock em up with the drug dealers and such because ive seen minimum security prisons with no bars barely any security and not even so much as a fence around the facility for white collar crimes. im not saying nuke em. but im saying they get too many privelages
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: but violent and sexual crimes. are unnaceptable
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: also, habitual re-offenders
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: i say 4 or 5 times and your done.
"Andrew": haha
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: im harsh.
"Andrew": i dont think that ideology would ever work
"Andrew": sorry lol
"Andrew": you cant get enough people to agree with that
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: haha oh i know it wouldnt which is why im not going into the criminal justice system. i would get angry with the lack of harshness in my feild. thats why im going into juvenile justice. where my efforts are not wasted and there is hope
SUNSHiNExBABYB00: thats was the main point of the blog

Becoming my future.

So, I've reached a point in my life, where I've finally become happy with the point I am at, and I know where I want life to take me. I no longer want to be a probation officer because I realize that it represents everything I disagree with. I, as a criminal justice student, am a Classicalist. Meaning that I believe in punishment rather than rehabilitation. Rehabilitation is a waste of time. Once a criminal, always a criminal I say. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. You may disagree with that, but if you're really looking to disagree with me, then I also must state I am a supporter of the death penalty. Lock em up and throw away the key, or even better just nuke em. The recidivism rate in this country is way too high. We waste millions of dollars and so much time on trying to rehabilitate criminals and sociopaths, when all they are doing is wasting our time and tax dollars. But this is getting way off topic, what I am getting at is that recently I discovered what my career choice, and passion (well one of my passions) is; Juvenile Justice. See you may say that Juvenile Justice is based off of rehabilitation as well, and yes you are right. The purpose after all is to set the juvenile back on the right path. But that is not time wasted. Juveniles are a different case, their brains are still developing, and there IS a chance to turn them around, unless of course they have a chemical imbalance or are classified as sociopaths. I see potential in our generations, if only we focused on them, more than the adults who have already gone off the deep end and continue to drag our society down the drain. I see cities around my hometown starting to urbanize and lose their class because we fail to focus on our youth. Which I find to be ironic because sooner or later, thats who will be running our country. So that about all I wanted to get off my chest. I guess you could say I've had an epiphany of some sort, and everyday I feel like I am getting closer to what my Psych professor likes to call "Self Actualization" and I couldn't be happier...