Life. Death. Youth. Cars & Stars.

So this entry is going to entail alot of life lessons I guess. If everything I'm about to say is common sense to you, or just completely useless in pointing out I apologize. But if you havent realized, the things I write about all seem to be life lessons. Things that everyone knows, but you dont really feel the whole effective of until you experience it, or witness it... So anyways, here it goes... I was watching that new Brad Pitt movie, the curious something or other of Benjamin Button. And at one point, throughout the strange tale of this young old man, watching death and life take a toll on him, I realized that without life or death, there wouldn't be love or appreciation... Or maybe even if there is, its not as strong as it should be. I mean think about it. When someone is born, or taken away from you, or even the threat is made of them being taken away from you, all of a sudden a sadness sweeps over you... If family and friends lived forever, do you really feel like you would value and appreciate them as strongly as you do in fear of losing them? Its sad that, but its true. I mean yeah I do fear death of loved ones on a daily basis, and it does make me appreciate them more, but I appreciate them in every waking moment. I don't just appreciate them as they are first brought into my life, and as they start to leave it. I know that fate can give and take whenever it pleases, so theres no time to wait for the right moment to appreciate the people in my life, I realize that I must do it every chance I get, because I love them with every moment that I have. So I've kind of come to learn to appreciate life and death, without it I'm not sure I could love as strongly as I do, and really appreciate the people in my life the way I've been able to. And while were on the topic of appreciation, I've kind of also learned to appreciate youth, and time. It was last night, when I was in the car with my sister and her two friends that youth kind of dawned on me, and how quickly it passes. We were driving down a long winding road, with the stars shining into the car, and Daughtry's "Home" playing through the speakers, when I just all of a sudden felt youth itself. My sister is 16, as was her friend who was driving, and it was just one of those average typical teenage moments. Driving in your first car, with the girls, late night, after a movie, acting silly, just being girls. Small town, big dreams cars & stars. Music & love. Friendship & laughter. Nothing beats youth, except for time of course. Which is why we have to love it, appreciate it, embrace it. For god sakes, I'm going to be twenty in 6 months... I know twenty is still young, but if you think about it twenty is just one of those age bricks that smack you right in the face and leave you dumfounded. Youre not old enough to drink, but youre old enough to not be a teenager anymore... Once you leave your teens it just feels like the world stops, then goes into hyper mode... and the rest of your life is just keeping up. Bills. Family. Finance. Jobs. Cars. Wellness. Kids?! Pets?! .... This is exactly why I appreciate my youth, and moments in cars, with the girls, singing along with the radio, and just being as young as we can. Because in the blink of an eye, it can all be gone... Aprreciate it. Embrace it. Life & Death. Old & Young. Cars & Stars.

A spark of self esteem?

So last night, I found myself discussing my insecurities with Ben. They always seem to find a way into my relationships. I often find myself doubting my worth, causing fear in myself throughout the relationships. It has become a problem lately, apparently an unbearable problem. It's been something I try to work on but never quite find it in me to be able to completely fix. Up until last night... I was praying to my grandmother, (I'm not really religious but if theres one person I believe would be "up there" its her) I was talking to her about alot of things actually. And at one point I said to her, "If there is a god, Mema, I bet you're right up there with him, because youre an amazing person. And you know how I know that... Because my grandfather (who is practically my life) is a great guy, and great guys don't fall in love with just any kind of woman, they usually fall for someone amazing as well..." And then it dawned on me... Yes finally. That little spark I have been looking for. I am loved by an amazing guy. A handsome, intelligent, sophisticated, fun, good-hearted, and loving gentleman. And to be loved by such a person, must mean that I afterall do have something to offer...Maybe I'm not the way I've been seeing myself all this time. It doesn't make sense for a Knight in shining armor to fall in love with a terrible witch now does it? I know some of you are reading this and thinking well DUH I've been trying to tell you this all along. And I appreciate that, but this isn't something I could have learned through someone telling me, this is a feeling I would have to gain all by myself through my own experiences, and that has begun. This is the start of me being okay with me, this is me not letting my insecurities ruin the good thing I have, because I wouldn't have it if I didn't deserve it. So I guess what I'm getting at is Fuck you, to everyone who has made me feel otherwise for the past 19 years of my life. Pardon me if that wasn't the eloquence you expected out of this epiphany, but I'm frusterated. So many of you have tried to bring me down, belittle me, make me feel worthless. Through words. Through actions. Through mistreating me. Cheating. Lying. Degrading. And where has that gotten you today? I'd just like to know. For all these years you've made me fear relationships, are you happy where you are? And has what you made me feel gotten you farther? Well I hope so because you no longer have me as a success to your mind games. I'm rising against what you made me feel. All because of love. I'm amazing somehow. I've got to be. And today I feel it, just a little bit more. So if you see me with my head a little higher, and my smile a little broader, let it be. Anything otherwise probably wont get you far.

Lesson Learned

So thick headed Ms. Sunshine finally got a point. Ben always tells me that relationships arent supposed to be perfect. Its not normal to be perfect. There should be conflict at times, otherwise things aren't right. I never really understood that until last night when talking with one of my friends, Cinnamon (yes that is her name). We were discussing our current situations and love lifes, and the issue of intimacy in relationships fading came up. Cinnamon said to me somethin among the lines of "Don't they realize that the honeymoon doesn't have to end?" And I responded with something like "Well we don't want the honeymoon to end, but sometime it has to. Its not a one way ticket to paradise all the time. You have to fly back to work, because every relationship requires work." ... Then all of a sudden DING, light dawns on marble head. This is what Ben has been saying to me all along. Relationships are not effortless, we can't just let our emotions blow in the wind, put everything on the back burner. We have to let it simmer and stir it. Give it a little bit of love, communication, effort. I often find myself getting upset because love hasn't been easy, its been an up and down battle. And it's so naive of me to think that I could just let it flow, without a fight, and have a successful relationship. So I guess this goes hand in hand with my new and improved "optimism", if I just keep a stiff upper lip and a light hearted smile through the battle, its just a matter of whether or not love lets me make it through the battle, and if fate has plans for me in that certain relationship. I can no longer allow myself to get upset by the fact that I need to try to maintain a successful relationship, because thats how it should be. I mean I'm not saying I need to constantly fight to keep a relationship from falling off the deep end, but I can't just let it float off to sea. So from now on it's smooth sailing on a rough sea, through the calm of the storm and the thrashing of the waves. Because love is worth the effort, as well as it needs it.

Quickie

I woke up the other morning with the sun shining on my face.... and all I could take of the situation was "What a freakin' headache."... Another lesson learned; Optimisim is easier said than done. But hey I'm trying.