All The Single Ladies

Call me a self righteous feminist but society’s concept of single women is fucked. As I was perusing throughout the internet I saw on the sidebar of advertisements a caption that said “Don’t be that girl.” This advertisement was for a dating website, implying that their concept of “that girl” is that of an alone or single female. At the risk of using poor vocabulary and detracting from my point, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? What I’m getting from this advertisement is that the negative connotation of being “that girl” is in this case, directly correlated to not having a man at your side (or another woman if you preference is as so.)
Is it really so socially unacceptable to be single? Call me a neo-feminist but I enjoy being single, independent and public in expressing so. I don’t mind going to restaurants alone to treat myself. I’m perfectly fine with sitting in a romantic park cuddled up with a book. I’m even comfortable with going to see a film on my own. But for some odd reason the general consensus is that by doing that I have earned the stigma of being “that girl.”
Could this social standard be a possible affect of the high divorce rates in our country? The divorce rate, although steadily declining, is at an appalling height. In the year of 2000 there were 2,355,005 marriages… out of these marriages 957,200 successfully obtained a divorce. Could some of these divorces be directly related to women who married because they didn't want to be “that girl?” Let’s take a more personal look at this situation, a less woman focused view. This scenario could be held applicable to either male or female… Think all the way back to the beginning of your “dating career”… You remember, those times when best friends dated best friends and you were all a snug little group of cute couples, or you were even just friends with those couples. Well for all you third wheelers, which most of us have been at one point or another, how many times have you been shoved into a date with a group of friends because they were trying to help you not look like “that girl/guy”? Be honest… It happens. Could this be a potential factor that women take into consideration for marriage? I feel it’s not so farfetched of a theory. The pressure for women in society today to get married and not to be a bachelorette for the duration of their youth is intense. Although this pressure is probably nothing compared to such in the 1950’s and 1960’s, it still does exist. It exists in peer pressure, family pressure and apparently media pressure.
Can we not be complete and happy in the company of solely our friends and family or even ourselves? Have we truly become so insecure that we need that reassurance and that extra love to make ourselves blend into society? Well most of us may be that way, but I certainly am not. I’m more comfortable with myself than I am with others. I do not feel I need physical or emotional arm candy to fit into society. I do not feel the need to hide the fact that I am in fact “that girl.” So you can laugh at me when I’m alone in a restaurant, a movie or a park as you cling on to your significant others arm, but just ask yourself if you’re with that person for the right reasons. Or are you just afraid of being “that girl?”

Open to interpretation

It's like chasing a sunset over a hill... You run up that hill to catch just one glimpse of the rays last burst through the clouds... You race briskly to embrace the final prismatic sliver of life for the day, but it's like the sun is just plain faster. You can't stop it, you can't control it, and thats just plain life.
You try to forget that you let it go, that you let it slip away but it's a memory without a lifespan, it fades only when it's ready to fade.
You can walk the same path, the same hill, but with newly paved roads... but you still know the footsteps that are engraved in the path beneath you. You can crunch upon a season's worth of newly fallen leaves, but still feel the crunch from the year before. You can even put on a different jacket, but the temperature will still remain, and that protection will still not suffice.
What it really comes down to is no matter how many more sunsets you chase, you'll never get over the first one you let slip away until you change your path. The past is inevitable but the path is not. Sometimes a new route is necissary in order to grasp the brighter colors and to capture that sun before it sets. Sometimes you need a new hill to climb to really appreciate the sky ahead of you and to really capture the one that makes it all worth it.

Constructed

If we can't carry our own weight, who are we to lift our loved ones back up? Nothing is more heavy than someone else's weight, someone else's problems, the things we can't understand... Sometimes we need to stop and realize that we cannot pile other people's bricks on our shoulders until we've rendered our own foundation to be concrete. The first step to being a successful friend, lover, sister, daughter (etc.) is being better to yourself.
My whole life I've been accomodating to the "wounded puppy dog" type. I've always found potential in others, and have taken it upon myself to bring out that potential, to help that wound heal. As expected, I've had quite a few more failures than i have successes. Time after time I beat myself up over it, not understanding why I've been so unsuccessful in my endevours. Finally, at the age of 20, I feel I've found my remedy. As strong as I may feel at times, my foundation is weak. My weakness lies in my actions, or my lack there of in this case. People always praise me for my wise words, yet the words rarely carry on, and only lead a person for so long. What I have come to discover is that we (I) must lead by must lead by example, by actions, by success. If the advice is good enough to give to someone I care about, why is it so difficult to apply my own advice to myself?
So what it comes down to is that I need to be better to myself, to listen to my own remedies, and to rebuild my own foundation for not only my own well being, but that of my loved ones as well. Why am I sharing this lesson with you? Because maybe you need to hear it too, maybe I need to lead you, my readers, my loved ones, by my example by my road to success.

A Bit of a Tounge Twister

I finally got out of my writers block. Wrote something a bit different from my usual entries. Bare with me.


bittersweet bitter closure
quickly ending never over
let go now, loosen your grip
hold on now, now begins our trip
tripping falling stumbling back
backwards forwards
straight to the left of where we were
where we were before
before the future took a turn
swerved a little, hit a nerve
crashed over a shattered heart
flat tire in the dark
darkly spinning on thin black ice
the second time was twice as nice
though we said it was over
over here and back again we go
down the strange road we always know
always know never want
yet draws us in with its ambiance
its bittersweet bitter closure
maybe this time it will be over.

A slight rant

I'm going to be honest with you (not that this is much of a change) but this entry is less of reading material for my viewers, and more of something I need to get down and out.
My number one pet peeve is when people doubt me. On at least a weekly basis, if not bi-daily, someone doubts me and underestimates me. I get judged off of my appearance all to often for my liking. It slightly offends me when people are astonished by the fact that I am intelligent, have goals, and am very capable of accomplishing such goals. It also offends me when I am treated as if I am incapable, incompetent, and unintelligent. I may not be many things, I may not be anything extraordinary, but I am proud of my capabilities and how educated and well rounded I am. Yes, I party. Yes, I wear heels and makeup. Yes, I enjoy doing crazy things. But when it comes down to my life, my business, my friends, family... you know the important stuff... I am to be taken seriously. It is all to often that people try to degrade me, make me feel like I can't succeed, drag me down. Well pardon my lack of eloquence but fuck you to those who do that. At the end of the day I've learned not to be defeated, not to buy into everyone elses views on me. I may get angry, and people tell me that getting angry is partially giving these negative people what they want... but all making me angry is actually doing, is waving the red flag right in front of the face of the bull. Youre simply provoking and motivating me to charge at the challenge. You can knock me out once, twice, even three times, but at the end of the day I will never be defeated. I'll jump right back into that ring the next day. If theres one thing I love to do its prove people wrong. As much as I hate being doubted, at the same time I love it because I am confident that I can show people they judged me wrong. So just like everyone one else does, I dare you to do it. I dare you to think I'm unintelligent. I dare you to underestimate me. I dare you to tell me I can't or won't. I'm always up for a challenge and I can certainly handle another K.O. At the risk of being cliche, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Limiting Yourself

As many of you may know one of my most dominant beliefs is that with strength anything is possible. I believe that strength can indeed give you wings. Figuratively of course. I'm sure you've all heard the stories of mothers lifting cars off of their crushed children with their bare hands due to adrenyline rushes and such. Well have you ever considered if that kind of strength can apply elsewhere, like besides physically? Day in and day out I hear people say I can't and I couldn't and its not possible. Well honestly, I don't think thats the case. I admit, I'm guilty of saying all those things, but I most likely am not being honest with the person in which I am saying it to as well as myself. I was discussing relationships with a co-worker recently and he had said to me that if a man really loves you he can and will move mountains for you. It's true, and that applies to anything. When asking people why they don't chase their dreams and everyone says "I can't" or "It's impossible... it's unrealistic" I get upset. Its really dissapointing that we doubt ourselves and leave ourselves very little room for achievment. We really do limit ourselves by saying that one crippling phrase ("I can't") If a mother can lift a car to save her child, why can't we get that same adrenyline rush to chase our dreams, or love our significant others the way they deserve to be loved. We can all move mountains and we can all walk on water. It's just sad that we rely on adrenlyine and motivation from others to make us do so. Has our society become so brain washed that we really believe nothing is possible without fame, money, and rediculous connections. How many Cinderella stories spark up in the newspapers and magazines nowadays? Those people in those stories can just like anyone else... it's just a matter of getting off your ass and doing it. Pardon me if that wasn't exactly eloquent, but it angers me to see talent and potential drown out. It sucks to see friends who could really accell and do good in our society let his circumstances bring him down and make him think he can't. It upsets me to see criminals go back in the system because they say they can't adapt to a new lifestyle. It really upsets me to see people take their own lives because they think they can't hold on anymore... The only thing that limits your ability is you. So may strength give you wings... And may love, passion & inspiration make you move mountains... just because you can.

Never Forget.

Sometimes I sit here and wonder about the thoughtless things people say. The words of advice that are thrown out without thought or care, mostly because they are cliche and easy to use. The quote that bites me a little harder each time I read it is "The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.”
I'm honestly quite sick of people telling me to let go of my past, and just forget about it, and that if I do so I will be okay.
I wonder if anyone has ever really thought about what they were saying...
I know its not good to incessantly obsess over the past, but to completely forget about it in order to have the "brightest future" would be completely arrogant. Forgetting your past especially the failures and heartaches is the worst thing you can do to yourself. If you forget, how many more times will you fail, how many more times will your heart be wrenched. You learn from your past. You hurt from it to help yourself. You would not be who you are today without remembering your failures. You would rarely if ever accel without your past there to guide you. I've screwed up royally several times in my life, and I'd like to consider myself a wise and well rounded person now because of it. If I had forgiven myself and forgotten what I did to not only myself but others I would be a train wrecked nobody stuck in a small town ruining lives left and right. Everytime I get slightly upset thinking about the past and the things that have happend it never fails that a friend comes along and says "It's the past just forget about it and you'll be fine..." Quite frankly friends... if I forget about it I'll be back at square one. So I guess what I'm getting at after this perpetual rant is that the brightest future will always be based on a remembered and learned from past. Dwelling drags. Remembering rebuilds. Because in the end forgetting is losing a piece of yourself.

The Dust You Leave Behind

It was the day before I was moving to my summer location, and I was finishing up packing and cleaning my old room. As I swept the rediculous amount of dust and dirt accumulated behind my dresser I continued to reminisce to myself about the happenings of the year. Alot of this year had at some point or another reflected back on impressions, and reputations. And as I dwelled upon the concept of reputations I began to struggle with my least favorite part of cleaning. You know that little line you get when you try to get everything in the dust pan, and it just wont sweep away? Well that's my biggest pet peeve. So as my mind detracted slightly from my issues with repuatations, it somewhat met me halfway and made me realize that the obnoxious dust line I work so hard at sweeping away, is much like a reputation in our society. No matter how hard you try to sweep it away or disperse it someone will always be able to point it out. I mean yeah, in real life you can vacuum up the dirt... but can you really vacuum up your reputation. You could accomplish as much as Mother Theresa and people would still remember your previous reputation. You can't just hide it under the rug representing the new you. I have a perfect example... Someone who I have grown incredibly close to these past few months is talked about on my campus and hated on due to his reputation more than Britney Spears. People even said to me when I started spending more time with him "Don't hang out with him, his reputation alone will give you one just from hanging out with him." But obviously I did not listen. And just as I expected his reputation did not preceed him. I learned that he was the most kind hearted, deep person I've ever met. He opened up and said things to me that really made me see this side of him that his reputation could never even reveal and at the least his reputation had been smothering. People ask me to this day why I hang out with him, and why I've become so close to him. I tell them what I have told you, that he isn't what everyone thinks, that I see a different side to him... I try to sweep away that extra dirt for him. But still all people really see is that little line left from a while ago, that we just can't seem to sweep away... It really is unfortunate that we can't seem to move on from things we hear about people, no matter how out dated. But I guess there are two different things you can take out from this story... One is that be careful of the impression and the reputation you leave behind... and the other is that maybe you should get to know the person someone is now before clinging onto the dust that they were way back when. Just think about it.

Catching Butterflies and Picking Up Pieces

I've finally reached that point. That point needs a little bit of clarification. My life is chaos. As of right now, I have two responsibilities within the University, a new job, a grassroots movement I have started, and an opportunity in a different field. I wake up, I go, and I do not stop. I march around the city in my heels, dress pants and blouse nearly everyday, get back to my room and somehow keep my cool. I finally have it all together, I've gotten to the point where I can be running around like a chicken with its head cut off and be completely happy. The old me would have broke down crying but something is different. I figured out what it was as I was walking down the street listening to the song "You Gotta Be" by Des'ree. One line in particular stood out to me, mostly because I disagree with it. "You gotta be calm you gotta be cool you gotta stay together, All I know, All I know is love will save the day." I agree with the first half of the quote but honestly, I'm not sure if knowing that love will save the day is what keeps you going was the message she was going for, or if the message was that even if its not okay you'll have love. Either way, I disagree. Because honestly I think our dependence on love to make everything okay is one of our biggest faults as a society filled with hopeless romantics. Don't get me wrong, I'm a hopeless romantic, but I like to believe I'm a tad more realistic than some others... What it comes down to, is sometimes all a girl really needs is herself. We waste so much time being torn and trying to have someone piece your heart together... Well how can they piece it together, if not even you can? The reason I have reached the point in my life I just discussed, is because I learned to piece myself back together. I've always been the one to wait for someone to swing through and save me from my last heartbreak. This time I saved myself from my heartbreak. I didn't allow people to save me. I even pushed people away. I had this sense of detachment from love, because its like I knew I was the only one who could help me. I'm happy right now because not only did I fix it, but I rebuilt my life stronger than it ever was. I'm chasing all my dreams and even catching them in a butterfly net. I've been fragile about it, not wanting to break any wings, but not letting my dreams flutter away, and I think that is why I haven't lost my cool. I think since I fixed myself, I've finally learned how to be independent, and how to take the time I need for myself. When someone picks you back up and pieces your heart together it's like you owe it to them to love and care for them with all your time. You are all of a sudden devoted. Since I'm the savior now, I can now dedicate the time love and care for myself that I've been so casually giving to my past saviors. This has GOT to be why I am so happy now. The only person you can really love and care for with all your time, and not regret it or be disappointed about doing so, is yourself. You will never break your heart, and you can never be a waste of your own time. Because although we may let ourselves down now and then, we are never really gone, leaving ourselves with pieces to pick up. So as I gather myself, and chase my butterflies, I will not turn love away, but I will not allow myself to depend on anyone but me. No one can chase your dreams, or please yourself more than you. No one knows what you really want inside, except for you. Keep that in mind. At the risk of being cliche and cheesy...Love, and be loved, but most of all, love yourself.

The Home of the Brave

Terrorism... Okay now that I have your attention lets really analyze this. What's the first thing that pops into your head when you see that word. Well, it seems to me that the common consensus is the war, foreigners, iraq, you get the point. Well maybe the general consensus is focusing on only one of the issues behind the term "terrorism." This issue boiled itself into my thoughts during a discussion in my criminal law class. The discussion was about the Timothy McVeigh case. As we all probably recall, he bombed a building and was convicted for it. What the government tried to keep all hush hush, was the fact that McVeigh did not only act with at least 4 other associates of his, but was a member of an organization. This organization was a white supremisist group who bases their income off of bank robberys. A year prior to the date of McVeigh's bombing, his groups leader was executed. The bombing was indeed an act of terrorism against other americans. We're not talking strictly american on american street crime. We're talking homeland terrorism. Now if you have any sense of fear in your body, that should chill to the bone. Which is exactly what the government was avoiding. They directed all the focus on McVeigh rather than his accomplice's only to redirect the truth, that an act of terrorism was performed on us, by our fellow men. It's dumbfounding to me that we're off putting lives and millions of dollars into a war triggered by terrorism, when I haven't heard a damn thing about our government showing concern in our homeland terrorism. Not only are they not being forward with us about it, but they are acting as if it were not an issue because they are too concerned about the consensus on who our enemies are. You could argue with me that we haven't heard anything because they have been doing stuff about it, but honestly how could we really know that... I mean if we don't hear about the problem, how could we assume they even established a solution. And why would they establish a solution when they have successfully hidden the problem. They clearly have "bigger fish" to fry, but how can we even trust them to fry those outside of us, if they can't even save us from our own neighbors. I'm not against our war on terrorism, I just feel that if we're going to war with other countries we should focus on our own vices as well. I do appreciate what our soldiers are doing. I do appreciate action being taken after 9/11. But I'd really appreciate some honesty and protection. How can we really enforce our safety by attacking other countries, if we can barely enforce our own safety on our own homeland?
For the record, I tried researching terrorism in america by americans and there were little to no results. Is it because there are little to no cases, or little to no recognition? Thats up for you to decide.

Sink Your Teeth In

This morning I grabbed an apple on my way to my class, took a bite, and noticed that the spot I bit into just wasn't right... I continued to eat from parts that looked a little better, yet still on that same apple. I do this with every partially bad apple I ever get. It falls into my hands, I find something wrong with it, but avoid it looking for the better to fulfill my hunger. Do you see where I am going with this, the apple represents the men ( I use that term QUITE loosely ) that make their way into my life. I always have a warning sign staring me in the face, but I make my way around it. What I fail to recognize at that time, is that eventually... in order to finish that apple I have to come back to that spot. It's not going to go away. You could argue with me that I don't have to finish the apple, and just ignore the spot and throw it away. But really... in some way shape or form it will come back to you. Not necissarily on an apple but definatley in a relationship. For example, a man expresses how he supports his best friend cheating on his girlfriend, you ignore the comment, and work your way around it, but eventually it will come back. It will either make its own way into your relationship, or it will simply drive you nuts. There are warning signs out there all the time. We never fall for a guy who seems perfect. We just ignore that little tick in order to live in our own fairy tales. It's like standing there, talking to someone, as they ask you for another chance, a chance to make it better, and as your eyes wander the room, trying not to catch his, the only thing in the room that stands out to you is the bright red fire exit sign... but then agreeing to give that person a chance. Warning signs come in so many different ways, but do we all really just ignore them? I've done it plenty of times. Women constantly blame men for the failure of the relationship, when really guys barely hide a damn thing from us. We just refuse to believe that our new found infatuation could possibly be jealous, adulterous, or overly emotional like they warn you. And when they show it, it's like the conversation never happened. Women are blind. I'll be the first to admit it. We're blind by choice. Maybe from now on I'll open my eyes, maybe not. I guess realizing theres a problem is the first step... but the hardest step is doing something about it. We'll see... next time I bite the bad one I'll throw it away before it's too late.

White Horses, Plastic Armor, and Sheilds.

As I sat there and watched a Sex and the City Episode, it dawned on me. I'm stubborn. Yep I know, you all knew this a long time ago, oh well. The topic of this episode was on the concept that all women just really want to be saved. But as I observed each character show their own ways of this concept weaving into their lives I realized that Carrie didn't want to be saved, she even slightly fought it. Carrie wanted to save herself, and not leave it up to a man to save her. And as I observed this it became evident that in that situation... I was Carrie. I fight being saved. Plenty of times there have been amazing, sweet, and caring guys that have been willing to sweep me off my feet and "save me" and almost everytime I've either completely disregarded them or turned them down. I've had this idea in my head that I don't need to be saved, and that I'm okay with being alone... Well being alone isn't so bad. But I can't lie, I'm not okay with being alone the way I've been fighting to stay for so long. At the end of the episode, Carrie concludes her weekly "Sex & The City" Column by saying that maybe we all do need to be saved. Maybe it's not so bad to let someone in... I've been so stubborn, and so busy being burned from my last relationship, and so busy being scared to let someone save me... that I didn't realize how much it would be okay, and maybe even good to let someone ride in on their white horse and save me. I guess it wouldnt make me any less strong. I guess it wouldn't mean I'd be giving up my independence. It would just mean that I wouldn't be alone. So instead of pushing all these knights in shining armor away, I've for once decided to give one a chance. But obviously with sheild in hand as usual ;] Because I think we all know, I've learned some things from my past battles...

So be strong, but be saved. Be loved, but be gaurded. Be wise, but be carefree. Because in the end, if you fall off the horse, and the knights armor turns out to be plastic, all it really means is that youre one step closer to the happy ending. One step closer to being saved, for real this time.

Learning from an Elegant Spirit - Part Two

In a segment of the biography I am reading about Audrey Hepburn (which I discussed in a previous entry) a touching story was told. Audrey used to do work in Somalia for Unicef with children. In one particular story about her journey to Somalia Audrey finds herself standing in a room full of starving children waiting in line to get one of their first meals in days. As Audrey observes the line she recognizes the angst of the children as they get closer and closer to their turn. Food is a rarety (sp check?!) for these children, so waiting in that line is torture, but in the end rewarding. Audrey then notices one little girl in particular. Thin to the bone like the rest of course, but she's different in one way... She instead of eagerly looking ahead of the line is gazing at Audrey. It was apparent that the little girl had earlier seen Audrey showing affection and care towards the other children. Which is something else that the Somalian children had been starving from... lack of affection. As the line grew shorter, and the little girls gaze darted back and forth between her approaching meal and Audrey she seemed to get more anxious, as if she had a big decision to make. When it came to be that the little girl was next in line she ran out of the line and latched onto Audrey as Audrey simply held her...


Hm well I guess here's the point where I tell you what I got from this story. I think it's pretty evident where I am going with this. What I got from this is the importance of the need for affection. The fact that a little girl who was basically wasting away with each passing moment due to starvation chose to be merely held rather than get her meal just goes to prove that we all just need a little love. We all may not be huggers, PDA approving, or openly affectionate people. But something tells me that we all just want to be loved, to feel appreciated, to be cared for. You can sit here and disagree, you can currently hate the idea of love in any way shape or form, and you can deny that you need anyones affection. But in the end can you really tell me that you could deal with being completely alone, without affection from friends, family, or a significant other? Think about it real hard... That little girl did, and look what it came down to. I guess what she saw is that even though that food was there, she could have to go days or weeks without eating again, but she could have to go forever without having someone hold her and comfort her. I guess I could relate to this little girl in a way. Even though her and I are from two completely different worlds I really don't think I could pass up the opportunity to be cared for and loved... because God knows it could be our last opportunity. It's amazing how universal love is.

You don't meant it...

I wish I could say I had some great story that inspired this train of thought that I'm about to spill out, but I guess some things in life can't be prefaced, you just kinda trip over things. I'm a thinker, a dreamer, and a lover. So as I was sitting alone thinking about dreams and love and such I realized something. Over and over again I see friends getting hurt, accusing their past significant others of lying and saying "those three words" when they never meant it. C'mon you know you've either witnessed or been in this position yourself... Everyone has or will be at one point. I think that such an accusation cannot be made. I mean there are a few exceptions but here's what I mean. At this age (20) most people have had a legitimate relationship. And sometimes at this age people get to the point where they say those words. But then months later... it changes. Hate arises. Fights break out. And accusations like "you lied to me" just splurge out. The truth is that the person probably wasn't lying. No person ever stays the same. We're never the same person for more than oh say 5 years. We change, grow and develop into who we really are over the years, and find it hard to sustain. Well if this is the case, then how can our feelings stay the same about everyone in our lives, our opinions and our views on everything in our lives change, so something that could be the truth one year, could be the opposite the next. I mean there are those few manipulative people who do use those words to get what they want, but honestly I have more faith than to believe thats anymore than 10% of the population. We all have the ability to change, to fall in, and to fall out of love. So it kind of makes me wonder... How does marraige work? I'm not doubting all marraiges, it just gets me thinking that marraiges that do last are not only incredible but incredibly lucky. Because those two people could not have stayed the same for years and years... But with fate and luck at their sides their personalities and spirits changed individually but still remained compatible. How amazing is that? Another note I'd like to add onto the topic of saying "I love you" and not meaning it is that well honestly how can you tell someone they don't mean it, if everyone's definition seems to be different? How can you tell someone what they do and don't feel? I've made these mistakes in the past, I'll be honest. I've told my ex('s) that they were total jerks for lying to me... But you know what... I changed... I grew... and now I understand. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

Learning from an Elegant Spirit - Part One

I figure the best way to start this off is to remind you that I am a huge fan of Audrey Hepburn, not only her work in film, but her elegant life as well. If you have been a follower of my blogs since they started you may recall I had a segment on Audrey Hepburn's character from the film Breakfast at Tiffany's, Holly Golightly,and how I see myself within that character. Well, this segment (as you can see will be a segment due to the title) is going to be based off of the real Audrey Hepburn rather than her characters. It will entail the things I learned and the insight she's given me from reading one of her biographies "Audrey Hepburn: An Elegant Spirit." This biography was written by her son Sean, probably the best person to show her elegance both in and outside.


One of the most interesting things I learned from reading this was probably a concept that was always in the back of my head but never had much meaning. Insecurities are beautiful. Some say that being insecure is "so unappealing" and "incredibly unattractive", while others say that cockiness is the true ugliness. And then you always have the few that debate that a nice inbetween is where the attraction really lies... Well after reading a certain excerpt from the bipgraphy I discovered that I believe insecurities can be quite beautiful...

Here is the excerpt that I am talking about

She was basically a very insecure person whose very insecurity made everyone fall in love with her. Isn't that the true definition of beauty, like a fawn caught drinking from a creek? He looks up and just is. He doesn't know what he looks like, how svelte his body is, or how graceful his movements are; he is just a fawn, like all the others.

Although part of that quote is debateable from my perspective, for the most part it makes so much sense to me. The only part I would slightly disagree on, is the part where Sean says "Isn't that the true definition of beauty" because as stated in one of my previous entries, beauty is defined differently by everyone. But at the same time I do agree because that is in my eyes a defintion of beauty. When Sean talks about how the fawn "just is" and sees himself as someone like all the others, it just sounds so beautiful. An image that comes into my mind is when the most beautiful person walks into the room, but walks in just like he's just another Joe, even though all eyes are on him, and theres an obvious glow about him, its as if he doesn't recognize it for even a split second. Something about that just sounds so beautiful. This is exactly how Audrey was, or at least thats the impression I get from everything I've read about her. It doesn't take a fashionista or beautician to point out that Audrey was flawless. And it doesn't take a psychologist to point out that she was also nearly flawless underneath. She was gorgeous, and a saint at heart, and she showed it everywhere she went without even wanting to. She did years of work for UNICEF, and disliked being recognized for the things she did for them. She hated being seen as the amazing person she was. She often sold herself short, and practiced modesty more so than a preist could ever in a lifetime preach. This is what made her beautiful, this is what made people "fall in love with her", her insecurity, and her constant modesty. People who are overconfident about themselves, and are borderline if not over the line cocky are unappealing. Not only that, but the way I see it the more that I think about it, is that cocky people don't need anyone. They recognize their beauty, and don't want or need anyone to appreciate the beauty in themselves that they already see. It's also been a recent reputation I've noticed that cocky people have little ability to love someone even close to as much as they love themselves. This seems to apply to the concept that Audrey is a romantic icon. She has this glow about her, that makes her seem like she has this unbreakable ability to love and care, and I'm beginning to believe that she had that ability to love everyone else because she neglects to love herself, and recognize the beauty within herself. This is why insecure people are so beautiful to me. They have this amazing ability to make you feel beautiful, and to make you feel loved, all because the dont waste their love on themselves. Insecure people are so compassionate that it draws people in. Had I not read these things about Audrey, I wouldn't have seen the beauty in insecurities that she made me see. It's amazing how the most luminiscent person in the history of our time thinks barely a thing about herself... Beautiful.

Empty Handed

What do you do when you go back to square one? Life tells you "Go directly to jail, if you pass go do not collect $200." You can't collect that $200 even after all that time you spent fighting not to go back to jail. Now how fair is that? How fair is it that we spend half of our lives fighting? We fight to rise above our circumstances, to succeed, to find and actualize ourselves. Lately it seems like I've been fighting an uphill battle, only to stumble, stop, drop and roll all the way back down. I feel like I fight, kicking and screaming and crying, just to be okay. And for a split second I'm okay and feel as if I'm always going to be okay, and that I finally know who I am... Then BAM! It's like a punch in the face. Down I go again like a pile of bricks. It's like a cartoon, and the letters "K.O." are circling my head as I lay there in a defeated gaze, confused as to where I went wrong, where was my defense, where is that strength I had not so long ago. I guess what it comes down to is that everyone can be blind sighted, everyone gets attacked by lifes cheap shots and bitch slaps. And the conclusion I've come to is that if we keep getting back up we'll eventually win. All it takes is one win and were golden, we got the belt. The thing we need to realize is that with everytime we get knocked out, roll down the hill, go directly to jail etc. We need to learn from what got us down there. We may not collect that $200 or anything else material, but we always learn, we never leave empty handed. It's all a matter of whether or not were willing to take it. I've spent so much time thinking "Why do I bother if I'm just going to end up back down..." And what I've come to realize is that we all fall for a reason, and that reason is to get back up. Trust me, I know it can be tiring but just remember... You are never empty handed.

A Lesson Learned From A Fallen Friend

Today I found out that a friend of mine passed away. And the best thing I can do for myself right now, is learn something from her. In order to see what I learned, I'm going to give you a peek into the history of our friendship, so you can really understand...
I first saw her standing outside of Ms. B's english class my freshman year of high school. Now, I went to a very small high school, everyone knew eachother, the second I looked at her I knew that she was new to the school. I later found out that her name was Gabriella King. We sat at lunch that day, and from then on it was history. All the way up through senior year we grew to be inseperable. And then, as with any friendship between girls, a boy happened. It was my fault, I'll give her that much, we aruged it to the point where we even wanted to fight eachother. Well more like she wanted to fight me because lets face it, Gabby was one tough chick. Time passed and the drama faded as did our friendship. On new years eve of 2007, about 7 months later than I should have, I sent Gabby a message apologizing, pouring my heart out, and being honest about the entire situation. Being the graceful, forgiving and loving person that she is, she accepted my apology but mentioned that she cannot accept my friendship back... Which I understood. As time passed her and I would occasionally contact eachother and even mention meeting up and catching up. Then, this past summer I ran into her at a party, terrified of what might happen I froze as she made her way over to me and hugged me... This was the last I had seen Gabby. We had spoken about meeting up after that but never gotten to it. I guess that leads us up to today and what I learned...
Today, St. Patricks Day, March 17th 2009, Gabriella King passed away... And with her passing she leaves me with this. Life really is too short to be burning bridges, because reconstruction may not always be too late... but I guess sometimes theres not always enough time to finish the job. So when you fight with a parent, a sibling, a lover, a friend etc. Think about it... the next day you may be speaking, but will your connection be the same ever again? An apology is easy, but actually fixing things takes time... Time we don't always have... R.I.P Gabby... You will be greatly missed. Thank you for teaching me this, even though I had to learn the hard way. I love you.

Attitude 101

We've all been dying since the day we were born, and we all let it remain to be the source of our misery.
Each day is one step closer towards our last. We don't know when it is coming, or how it will, but we all take it way too seriously. It's like the saying "Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyways." Everyone is always so pressed for time, running around like chickens with their heads cut off. I frequently find myself caught in this hustle and bustle fast laned world myself. I put on my heels, grab my purse, schedule out my itenterary for the day and go. And I don't stop going until I am done. And I hate it. At the end of it all I sit and think, "Now where did that get me that I wasn't at yesterday or the day before?" We panick and rush and stress and try to accomplish so much in the little time we have in our lives, and for the most part, it gets us no where any faster than doing it at a timely pace would. We're in a rush to make money, to start our careers, our families, our lives. We make ourselves miserable doing so. It's like were dying everyday in two senses. The sense of biology (aging and such.) And in the sense that our carefree abilities are dying. We lose our spirits with each day we age because whether or not we recognize it, we accept misery as a part of aging and the path to success. So I guess what I'm getting at in this segment of my entry is that we all just need to breathe. Yes, our time here is limited. Yes, death could make its way to us faster than a hurricane. But what good is our time here if we don't stop and appreciate it at least once a day. What good is it if we don't take time to do what we want and let things happen as fate determines them to happen? You can't rush fate, so don't rush yourself. If it's meant to happen, it will.

Something else that kind of clicked in my head recently came up during one of my classes. One of my professors said to us that Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what your disposition is. The more that I pondered that statement, trying to argue within myself that attitude cannot have that much effect on your life, I realized that it's undoubtedly true. It goes back to my whole post about optimism. Optimism is really the key to success. If something bad happens to you, and you let it bring you down, chances are more things will go wrong. It's like the saying "when it rains it pours." Well maybe it only pours because you refuse to see the sunshine in the forcast for the day after that. If you sit and dwell on the negativity of an event in your life, chances are you won't get very far. It's like when you tell yourself, or have the attitude that you can't do something, then you can't. If you tell yourself that you CAN do something, no matter how outrageous or out of reach it may be then theres a really good chance you will accomplish it. There is always that ten percent of what happens that could limit you, but if you have that ninety percent of a positive attitude going for you, then that's alot. That's why I hate people using situations they are in as excuses. When people have odds against them I frequently see them endulging in their own misery and just accepting that the odds are working against them. If they had just picked themselves up, and fought their hardest using what little they have, and kept a solid attitude and a good heart in each hand, chances are success is on their pathway. It's like the film "The Pursuit of Happiness", had Will Smith let himself be dragged down by all the forces working against him he would have remained homeless, jobless, and eventually without child, but he had the key to overcoming his circumstances; the right attitude. So, at the risk of being blunt and obnoxious... Quit your bitching, nothing is impossible.

Nothing is permanent

Someone I've somewhat recently lost in my life in one way or another once told me that when you do lose someone in your life whether it be by them dying, moving away or a breakup etc. instead of focusing on the loss you have on your hands you should think about what you gained from meeting them... Here's what I gained from this person. They always told me, from a buddhist perspective, that "Nothing in this life is permanent." I know this person meant it in a buddhist light, and didn't mean for me to take it the way i did, but what you learn from people is always open for interpretation in my opinion. So this is how I see it and what I learned... Nothing in this life is permanent... So why get attached. People have argued this point with me for hours, I'm mearly writing this entry as an outlet, so argue if you must but I'm not looking for a discussion particularly. ANYWAYS. We fall in love to fall apart. We stand by our friendships with honor and respect, only to be disrespected or simply grow apart because lets face it 90% of the friendships we obtain throughout life deminish or simply just stop. Then we spend all our time with our family, parents, siblings etc. Only to be with them til the bitter end and eventually have to bury them. I've come to the conclusion that this is why I always seemed to value my solitude. I mean yeah I'm a pretty social person, but I feel safest when I'm alone. No attachments. No distractions. Just me, the only thing I will never lose. The only thing I can depend on. We can't depend on the people in our lives all the time, because they won't be around forever. We can't depend on the earth beneath our soles because lets face it, not only is it depleteing with every chemical filled breathe we take, but it's changing. Nothing remains the same, nothing is permanent. Call me a pessimist. But I say I'm a realist. Depend on no one but yourself. Because in the end it's all you have left.

Beauty... A Solid Conclusion.

So continuing on the previous post (which you should probably read before you read this one) I have yet another encounter with the theory that beauty exists solely in perception.


Today in my sociology class we discussed C.H Cooley & G.H. Mead's concept of "Pride & The Looking Glass". Within this concept is the concept of self image. It states that self image is composed of three parts...
1. how we imagine we appear to others
2. how we imagine others judge our appearance
and 3. some sort of self feeling like pride or lack there of

Going off of what I stated in my last post, I'd like to disagree with the basis of which we obtain our self image according to the "Pride & Looking Glass" theory. For the first part of which we base our self image off of ( how we appear to others ) ... how can we honestly know how we appear to others, and judge our own self off of that. No being has the ability of inhabiting anothers body and mind, and seeing what others see. The fact that we really think we know how we appear to others, and let that effect our self esteem is rediculous. What you think someone else finds beautiful could be the complete opposite of how they really feel, and trying to satisfy that in order to satisfy how you feel about yourself is pointless and inevitably a waste of your time. You will never be able to completely satisfy others with your appearance 100 percent. The only person you can satisfy with your appearance is yourself. If you feel you look good, thats all that matters.

Even though the second part of what makes up our "self image" kind of goes hand in hand with the first part, it's still got it's own faults. To refresh your memory because I know I just said alot, the second part says that our self image is partially how we imagine others judge our appearance. Have you ever noticed how everyone dresses different? If you haven't you are either blind or lieing. Everyone dresses different because everyone has a different concept of what is appealing. How can you honestly get out of bed, get dressed and expect to walk out that door and have all of your peers approve of your appearance. At the expense of being repetitive beauty is a matter of perception, it is impossible to be visually and even emotionally/mentally satisfying to everybody. Skinny jeans are appealing to some, where baggy is appealing to others. Intellectuals are appealing to some, while carefree and flighty is appealing to others. We cannot expect all of our peers to judge our appearance the same way.

Finally, we get to the one part of this concept of self image I somewhat agree with (yes I actually agreed with something.) The final part that makes up self image (according to this particular theory) states that you must have some sort of self feeling such as pride or lack there of. The only reason this makes sense is because the rest of the definitions say something about how others percieve you. That does not matter. This says that how you feel about yourself, whether your'e proud with the way your'e looking/acting/etc plays a role in how you see yourself. Personally I think that is all you should use to build your self image. I feel once you have established this part of your image in a positive and solid way, untangible by others opinions, and irreversible, you will be able to remain content with yourself. Once you realize that the only person you can be totally and completely beautiful to is yourself, and once you find that beauty in yourself, you will be able to do anything. That is how self image should be defined. The other two parts that Cooley & Mead discuss in their theory are simply irrelevant to self image. They are invalid because it is impossible to generalize beauty. Especially in such a diverse society.


So as you dwell on this entry as well as the last take the following with you day to day. Next time someone says something negative about your image, whether it be looks, or personality, or whatever it may be, don't let it affect you. Just remember that you will never satisfy their perception of beauty because everybody's perception differs in some way shape or form. It's unavoidable. Just remember that you can only satisfy yourself, so work on that satisfaction. Don't waste your energy on buying into everyones perceptions, don't tailor yourself to your peers desires. You cannot be all the things they want you to be, the only thing you can be successfully is yourself. So find the beauty in yourself, and embrace it. You will be a lot happier, I promise.

Beauty...Perception

"Beauty is not real; beauty only exists in perception"


Have you ever really thought about that quote? I mean think about it. We sit here day after day judging the appearance of things. Our society is so image based and it's all based off a false idea that everyone finds the same things beautiful.

Have you ever sat there and debated with one of your friends about whether or not a certain person, clothing item, or piece of art is attractive? I had this discussion last night. The point was made by the other side that things would be out in such a greater perspective if we could just see things from someone else's eyes.

It really makes me wonder why everyday we all try to dress to impress, I mean what's the point if beauty is all dependent on a point of view. I guess all that really matters is that you feel beautiful.

Just recently my looks were personally attacked, and my friends tried to defend me and demonstrate that I was "beautiful"... Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered that people put their hearts into defending me. But why try and change someones perception? It's like trying to literally give them a new opinion, a new view, new eyes. Why waste my own, or have others waste their energy on being angry at people for their own views. I mean yeah, harboring their perception in such unecissary and negative ways towards me isn't exactly respectful, but why be angry?

Some people find skinny people attractive while others find overweight people attractive. And it's like if someone's perception is outside of the norm, we shun them, and people become afraid to express their views. Some people find dance as an art beautiful while others find music beautiful. Some find happiness to be beautiful while others embrace the beauty of misery.

If we could just borrow someone else's mind & eyes for a day, I think we could all appreciate the beauty of everything a little bit more. Everything has something about it that makes it beautiful.

It's like photography... A handful of photographers can all be given the same object or scene to capture, and each of them will find a different angle or view that represents beauty to them. Who's to judge which picture is beautiful or not? Who's to judge the beauty of others and criticize it? Take a look at the above picture, is it beautiful? Maybe not to you, but to me it is...

Painting

The other day during my abnormal psychology class we went to see a lecture that the school was hosting. The lecture was given by a Harvard/MIT graduate, who has also written several novels. During the doctors speech he told a story about how when he was younger he tried to build a rocket, and when it came down to the day of his "launch" for his neighboorhood friends, the launch was successful but the flight was short and not so sweet. It was evident to the doctor that the reason his "flight" failed was because he built his rocket based off of beauty, and not agility. As soon as I heard this tory & the point behind it, something clicked in my head... To me, that rocket represented relationships. You cannot build a relationship based off of typical beauty (and I say typical for a reason which will shortly become clear). You can't build it off of lust and romance. You need to build your relationships off of trust, constructive arguements, communication, and values. If you build your relationship (the rocket) based on the beauty, the lust, and the romance all you will have is a smooth take off... Here's what I mean; in almost every (romantic) relationship the first few months are bliss. It's the beauty, the infatuation with one another, the takeoff of your rocket. And if you built your relationship/rocket off of that trust, those constructive arguements, that communcation and those value... then your rocket, your relationship, will soar even after the bliss of the adrenyline, butterflies-in-your-stomach, take-off. And that is what true beauty in a relationship is, being able to soar calmly through the journey, because you used the right materials to build your rocket. But, if you fail to build off of those things and get caught up in the typical rather than true beauty, your rocket will fly only for a short time after the take-off (the first few months) and then inevitably plummet to the ground, leaving all you worked to build simmering in flames and dissapointment.
I know thats a slightly cynical way to look at it, but it's true. Take a look at any relationship you've had. Think of the rocket... what you used to build it, the take-off, etc. Did you build it off of typical beauty, or agility? Did you soar, or crash?
After taking myself through this analytical journey, another point the doctor made popped into my head; When he was discussing books and literature he said something along the lines of " A book is never finished until it has been totally read by the reader... and it is finished again each time a new reader completes reading it." What he meant by this is that the way a reader interprets what they take in, is different from how another reader may take it in... This point was another I found in great truth because while I interpreted the rocket story as a relationship, another person could interpret the rocket as a life lesson or some other lesson, and compare it to some other aspect of themselves.
Day by day we run into people like the doctor, who open up doors and our eyes to things in life that need to be realized, whether or not they intend to. It's all just a matter of if & how we interpret and analyze it. Life is our canvas, how we blend the paint we are given, and create our colors is all up to us, and solely us...

The Chill of the Sun Sinking Into Your Skin

The city got colder and darker today. I'm not referring to the night, nor am I referring to the temperature. Let me just give you a run through of my day. I woke up, got dressed, got my Caramel Macchiato (as always), and headed my way to run my errands. Made my way to Student Academic Services, along with Student Financial Services, only to let them dissapoint me as usual, but thats not the point. After dropping off my Resident Assistant Acceptance Form (yay!) I decided I was going to make my way over to Planned Parenthood so I can get back on birth control. As I'm walking down Chestnut Street trying to find my way to Planned Parenthood, I see a nurse in her scrubs headed to work. I stop and ask her where in the world the PP building is? She then directs me to where it is and adds on a side note, something among the lines of "Don't look up, stay on the left side of the sidewalk closest to the building, and ignore the people and signs, there will be gaurds outside to let you in." I then headed my way towards the building the woman directed me too, thinking that she was being slightly melodramatic about the signs and such. As I approached the building I saw several security officers, surrounded by several signs on each side of the street across from the building. There were very little protestors, and the ones that were there were not like the type you see on TV. They did not chant, yell, scream, or get violent... but the way they looked at you was strong enough to burn through your body and anyone in the path directly behind you. It wasn't an angry stare, it was that look your mother gives you when you royally screw up. The look where you're not sure what you did, but you know its not good, and you know you're breaking someones heart. As I looked away from the disappointed protestors, I then broke the one rule to myself I made in my head as the nurse warned me... I looked at the signs. Not the signs that Planned Parenthood posts telling you that you have a choice, but the signs that the protestors put out there. The signs with the fetus' compared to a ruler, measuring the child to be less than 4 inches. The blood, the baby, and the sadness. I immediatley looked down in disgust, and continued to the door, the security gaurd then let me into the building as I made a later appointment to return to the building. As I was leaving, one more protestor had made his way over to the doorway. He was holding a clipboard, pamphlets, and a saddened expression upon his aged face, with a cross around his neck. The man then extended his hand to me which grasped a pamphlet, looked me in the eyes, like a sad puppy in need of a home and spoke the words "Let me save you." All I could manage to say is no thank you, and bow my head down as I turned the corner to walk away, and as the Planned Parenthood gaurds proceeded to steer the protestor farther away from the building...
Now I am not telling you this story to steer you away from Planned Parenthood. My story does not end by me saying I later called and cancelled my appointment. I cannot tell you that the protestors changed my view to Pro Life. I cannot tell you that I feel like I need to be "saved" as the man outside so eloquently put it. I'm telling you this story to show you something. To show just how powerful words, pictures, expressions, and pamphlets can be. Protestors may not get their way, or may not change our lives, but they had the power to make me sick, to make me sad, to get beneath my skin. When I bounced my way out of bed and jovially made my way through the dirty streets of providence, under the hazey clouded sky, past the homeless men trudging their way around the streets, I did not expect to be upset. I woke up in an optimistic way about the day. I manage to walk past the cold, sad, aspects of Providence on a daily basis without being effected by its lack of humanity. Yet today I managed to stumble across another aspect of life I've never really seen, but always heard about. It's amazing how sheltered we are. And how we think we know everything because we see it on the news, we read about it, our friends tell us. But its like a Vampire hearing about sunlight, and saying they know all about it. You don't really know until you feel the rays beating down onto you and sinking beneath your pores, and digging deep into your skin, just as the protestors dug into mine.