Rant.

How can we fight against something, if we aren't fighting for something in return?
These are the things I wonder when I see people out there protesting and speaking out against things they don't believe in. About 90% of the time all I hear is what they stand against, rather than what they stand for. For example, there are so many people fighting against all of Obama's plans (of which I refuse to state my opinion) but the point is half of these people have mentioned how awful his plan is without mentioning a better alternative.
It amazes me that people have the audacity to fight for change with no alternative in mind. How can we be so quick to judge and to demand when we can't even make decisions of that significance. Half of us can't even find something to stand up for or believe in. Its all about education. Not nearly enough people take the time to educate themselves on a subject matter. They hear what they want, and all they know is what they've been told and its a done deal. I feel like were all afraid to learn, to see what else is out there. With all the hate, anger and violence in the world especially towards those who think differently I wouldn't blame everyone. It just bothers me that people can honestly say they stand up against and believe in things simply from hear-say evidence. Have we all become so naiive as to think that what you see is what you get? The more I explore and the more I educate myself, the more I fall in love with the world around me. I just wish others would do the same and take that same chance, they would be pleasantly surprised.

Flaws and All

I have spent such a great amount of time running from my shadow, fearing the silhouette of who I am, who I was and what lies shortly behind me every step I take. This time has been nothing more than time wasted but nothing less than a lesson learned. From this point on I will stand in my shadow, be proud of my silhouette, bask in the glory of the darkness I have overcome and shine knowing the person I have grown into because of it. There is nothing more destructive then trying to run away from your own shadow. It gets to be tiring and is overall impossible. Let it be known that a man (or woman)’s greatest enemy is him/herself and in the end if not dealt with properly could be his/her demise. You can run, but you’ll always be there. You can fight, but the only person that gets hurt is you. Accepting yourself is the key to solving internal conflict. Most people spend their lives trying to find themselves, know themselves, understand themselves. I’ve done all of the above. I feel that the greatest challenge in life is accepting yourself. I’ve come to realize that in order for others to accept me and understand me I must first accept myself. How can you sell or present something you don’t like. Love oneself to be loved, accept oneself to be accepted, and face yourself before you expect others to face you, Flaws and all.

The Art of Defense & Defeat

Defense; The word is flat out misleading. When that term arises it most commonly is associated with the concept of protection, sheilding, or gaurding. For me, the first thing that comes to my mind in reference to the definition of defense is offense.
Something I have come to notice over time and even more recently is that a part of most peoples defense lies within offense as well. Instead of simply relying on our personal shields we draw out our hypothetical spears as well. Any potential threat that we feel is usually equalized by an attack on the direct cause of the threat. We live in a society where we thrive off of survival of the fittest. Yes, I'll agree sometimes its necessary and often constructive, but I feel as if we have become so insecure with ourselves that we attack others in our defense. Rather than proving ourselves worthy we've become so quick to prove everyone around us unworthy instead. Now does that qualify you as being the "fittest" all your showing is others weaknesses, not your own strengths.
I don't think we realize nearly enough that functioning in this manner can bring down our own credibility. Don't get me wrong, I support healthy competition, if I didn't I wouldn't be an American. To survive in such a capitalistic society we need to have a sense of competition and survival; but one thing I find hasn't been addressed is how we survive and compete. If all we do is jump the fun and point out the weak in others and exploit competition in defense then we leave no room to accentuate our own strengths and no room to improve on the areas in ourselves which have been threatened or challenged.
Real strength comes from real competition. Battle of the best wits and strengths is what makes real competition. If we accept the challenge and face it rather than destroy it, we leave no room for growth and improvement. It takes a true warrior to smile, shake hands and say "Good game" with out opposers. It takes a pawn in a game of chess to stab the opposer in the back, and in reality you'll become so blind from that victory that in the long run another opposer will do the same to you.
To be able to fail, be defeated, accept your defeat and face your flaws makes you a true warrior, a true hero. Upon your defeat you have two options; One- you pinpoint where you started to lose and you fix that point of weakness... or Two- you bask in your failure, never improve and become defeated over and over again. The rest is up to you.
Pointing our others flaws and weaknesses makes you no better than your opponent. Being able to defend yourself by supporting yourself or even accepting your flaws and accepting that change is needed is what will put you on top in the end. Don't let your pride blind you. Emotional blindness is a weakness. Put down your weapongs and shield your heart. A coward needs a spear while a hero will rush into a battle with nothing but his armor. Society is war, prepare the right way.

Routines. Sunrises and Rain.

With a love story who's tale is as old as language itself or as new as a fresh start to a day, comes battles, tears, laughter, strife and happiness. Whether it be between a man and a woman, a man and a man, or a woman and a woman. Whether it take place in a castle, a ghetto or the suburbs. Whether it ends in heartbreak, seperation or death its always the same. Love is a cycle, love is as a sunrise and sunset, it's like a full day. The beginning of a relationship is the sunrise. Your'e captivated by it, intrigued by the appearance, thought and concept of a new day, a new relationship. You venture over the horizon without even the slightest clue as to what is in store. The rest of the day is a stroll at first. You casually go about your routine, enjoying the sunshine but holding your umbrella, your sheild, your emotional barriers in fear of the possibility of rain. Around mid day, mid relationship, the routine becomes tiring, like a struggle. Its the equivelant of having your first fight with your significant other. Its the most draining part of your day, your relationship, and your journey with that person. Once its over with, although that part of your day has made you stronger, the rest of your day is impacted. You're happy, yet focused on just getting by, focused on merely holding on until the inevitable end. Then of course theres the evening, right before the sunset, as the sun is shining in its last risen hour. Whether the day has been good or bad, you feel a sorrow in yourself because you see the end of the day coming and also because you fear what a new day may bring. You know you feel deep down that the new day is going to be the same and maybe at best more difficult. And finally comes the sunset, the end, el fin. Its bitter sweet. Your'e glad you can rest your eyes and reminisce or focus on the good parts of the day, but it saddens you to see it pass and to move on to the next day.
My point is after all thats been said, we need to break this cycle and this day after day process. Is it possible for us to break our sunrise to sunset routine? Very recently I changed my routine and to be quite honest its refreshing. I find that dealing with that mid day point and struggle first thing in the day or relationship can actually be healthy and better for it. Dealing with this so early changes the feeling of just holding on until the end into a different feeling and experience. Arguing early on, recognizing your differences in one another at the beginning leaves room for understand the person and building a foundation to support the relationship from that point on. We can't start our relationships in the honeymoon stage, it only sets us up for disappointment. I feel that if your'e not afraid to argue or dispute right off the bat then you've finally found someone your'e comfortable with. I also feel that if you can overcome that dispute or arguement you grow closer to that person and the honeymoon stage can be an ongoing stage or feeling, not just something you feel at the very beginning. We need to stop waling around in the sunshine with our umbrellas. Its not going to prevent the downpour. If the rain comes dance in it. Its always going to rain, and its all a matter of making it through the storm. Thats what makes each day different and beautiful. So lets change our routines, and let our sheilds down. Don't fight fate, don't try to change the weather. Let it all happen. Its just natural.

Escape

The car pulls in. I hear the tires crunching on the gravel, the rumble of the engine abruptly ceases. I hear him. Mumbling, cursing, car door slamming. I tremble and scurry into bed. He's fumbling with his keys. I hear the jingling, the click, the turn and the slow subtle squeek of the door swaying open. He calls my name, I lay still, still silent. I play dead, all to stay alive. Upon my silence he sighs and exhales a sharp and bold "What the fuck!"As his keys shatter onto the table his steel toe Timberlands drop to the hardwood floor of the corridor. I hear him sauntering down to the other side of the house. He's listening, he's searching. I let out a fearsome sing-song breathe. His footsteps freeze. He calls my name again. I close my eyes. He continues, my heart starts racing. He lets out a knowing, satisfied, deep chuckle. His footsteps pick back up, but this time faster, almost as fast as my heart. His shadow casts underneath the crack of the door. It slowly opens. The draft from the hallway sweeps through my covers like a swift hurricane breeze. Its all slow motion now.
Thump, thump... thump. My heart.
Thump... Thump... T.h.u.m.p. His footsteps.
My eyes slowly peel open.
He's standing there. Over me.
Everything zooms into warp speed again.
He viciously rips off my covers like a magician who leaves the china standing still on a dinner table while removing the cloth between. His hand raises, raises real high. I inhale deep. I close my eyes.
I escape.
My eyes flutter open, like a child opening its eyes after its very first night of sleep. I'm calm, safe, euphoric, everything is new. I'm in a bed, a bed of rich green moss. I'm nude, free, alive. I rise from my bed and look above to see trees, taller than the New York City jungle, older than the egyptian pyramids, with bark colored like a deep mohogany armoire and leaves shaded as green as the tint in the Aurora Borealis. I reach out to touch them, and to my amazement they are real.
I see a clearing ahead. I begin to wander over to it. Branches gently crack beneath the soles of my feet while the soil loosely sinks between my toes. My eyes peruse as I stroll forward. The sun is setting. The beams of sunlight and water-color paint like hues dance through the branches and graze over the tree tops, each ray of light creates an almost blinding yet captivating prism as it shimmers through the dew drops that carelessly dangle on the tips of the leaves. The prisms slip away while I watch the dew drops roll down and playfully splash to the ground.
I continue ahead. I part the branches and vines to get through to the clearing. There it is, my paradise. A four foot deep hot spring with polished like rocks and pebbles, steam rising from the surface of the water. The sun has gone past the horizon now, and the clearing above the spring is a silk dark sheet of sky with crystal like stars dancing across it. I sink my body slowly into the Carribean clear water.I lay back as my hair flows in the gentle calm stir of the water. My head lightly bobs so that my entire being is drenched while I remain slowly and steadily breathing, floating, being. No distractions, nothing to keep me awake. I drift. I sink. My eyes close. My escape, escapes. I...
I awake.
It's all real again. I'm six feet under, not under the ground, but under who I was. I'm belittled, frail, weak, beaten, defeated, beaten into nothing. I can't remember. I can't see, but I see flourescent lights, shiny tools, objects, bags of liquids, pills, papers, tissues. I can't see me though. I can't feel me. I can't feel anything.
A woman enters, she looks puzzled yet calm, as am I. She calls, calls something. Calls a name. My name? My name. Then, I hear him call my name just like before. I want to scream but I have no voice. I don't see him but I hear him. I see the woman still. My vision flashes between him and her, then and now. I gasp, gasp. The woman hushes me, sympathetic, "Everythings going to be fine." She's knowing. Knowing what I don't. What does she know? Why don't I? Why is she saying this... these... these things, awful things.
"Beaten"
"Hospital"
"Broken"
"Life"
"Ran"
"Forever"
"Didn't, Couldn't, Tried, Escape."
"Didn't escape. Beaten"

I survive.